How to deal with extreme anger and anxiety as an SO?

I'm a SO of a PA and our last Dday was a month ago.
I've reached a point in my grief where I've started to feel really angry and anxious about the situation. The feelings I have are extremely strong and at times I'm having a difficult time dealing with them in a way that actually would help.
In the past, it has helped me when I've written about my feelings or talked to my husband, but now they are so powerful that I feel like I'm going completely crazy.

I don't think talking with my husband is a great option for now, because he's the one who has caused these feelings and talking with him only escalates my anger to a point where I start throwing things. He has his own things he's dealing with and if I sense even the tiniest bit of defensiveness I fly off the handle in mere seconds.

I don't feel safe talking with my friends about this, because they are part of the problem. My husband has used their social media picks as p-subs.

Writing only helps a little, but I still feel this constant excess adrenaline in my body.

Therapy is not possible at the moment, but in the future will be. That doesn't help me now though.

Physical activity like running or punching a bag helps with the anger but after that, I usually feel lonely and inconsolable with sadness or irrational fear and I just can't get rid of the feeling.
The obvious answer would of course be to just feel it, but the problem is that the feeling is so powerful it consumes me so I can't get anything done.

I feel completely lost with this and I need some ideas on how to ease the intense feelings even a little.

 

It really is difficult to deal with this when there's no one to talk to. My sister is my only family, and my husband has used her pictures as p-subs aswell. I haven't been active in church since I was young, and I'm not familiar with the congregation in my area, but the idea of talking to a pastor feels somehow very comforting. I haven't thought about it much before, but maybe I could open up to a pastor.
I'm happy that I was able to find the book you mentioned in my country. It's always so expensive to order something overseas. Thank you

Thank you I took a look at the book (a little poem there) online and I like that it has those tasks I can go through. I definitely need some structure in dealing with this stuff and I think the tasks would bring it. I can't find the book locally, but I think it will be worth the extra cost of shipping.

 

Hello friend
So sorry it has taken forever for me to reply to this. I Haven't been active here for a while.
Your pressure cooker analogy is very good. It really is just like you said. After building up the negative feelings for a couple of days the lid finally blows off.
Lately, I've tried to release the steam little by little as it builds, but the reception I get from my husband has only built more pressure resulting in an immediate explosion.

I'd really like that. You are so awesome to offer (and thanks for the clarification. That's funny)

 

Will do!