How to ask what she wants?

Hi,

I am pretty sure some of you already have heard my backstory between this girl, and some may tell me to stay away from her etc.

So the last week she has been the one contacting me more and more, and I was wondering maybe to ask if she wanted to hang out one day next week.

While we hang out, I want to ask her what she really want with me. Because she have given me more or less mixed signals. So I want to ask if she wants to just stay friends or if she see us being something more then that?

Is that okey to ask her, and how do I put it? Or should I just see how she acts while we hang out and not ask? Because I really enjoy to hang out with her, and being just friends is actually okey for me too now - after we had our space for two weeks.

At the same time will both of us move to other cities in two months, so it may be difficult to start a relationship.

So should I ask her or should I just see how she acts? And how do I ask her - should I just cut to the point and ask? I will at least wait to the end of the time we hang out, so we don't hang out with some akward feeling.

(NOTE: Some people that have read my earlier topics will most likely tell me to not do it or stay away - but if the reason is that it may hurt me emotionally it won't. I am pretty sure I can't get hurt anymore by her. Won't give her that power anymore. If you think I should stay away for other reasons, would be nice with input!).


Backstory:

So I started dating more or less this girl that I had meet at parties a few times and we matched on a dating app. On the dating app I asked her out and we started dating for 2 maybe 3 months. After one of the dates she got more distant and did not respons everytime to me when I asked her to hang out etc.

So I figured it could be many reasons, so I gave her space. The more space I have given her, the more she have been contacting me.

Now after one week without any single text from me, she have been texting me almost everyday the week after. So I think she wants to atleast stay in contact. But I am not sure if she just want to stay as good friends or if she wants to be more.

Thanks a lot for all support that is already given and hopefully more support!
(And I hope people are not tierd of all my questions :| )

 

Thanks to both!

I will ask her to hang out soon, I thougth I was clear about my intention with her in many ways. But I guess I started to hide my intentions when she got a bit more distant, because I thougth she changed her mind or wanted just some space. Now, since she have started contacting me again I think she may have just wanted some more space(?) - Because of me being unsure what she wanted (after I asked her out a few time where she both ignored and told she was busy) - I pulled away too. After that she have been contacting me more and more. I never really told her by words what I wanted with her. I guess I should if she accept hanging out with me later.

There have been some time since last we did hang out, so it will be best for us both if we get it clear how we both feel. Because it it obvious that we both atleast want some sort of contact with each other even tho there is some time apart, the question is what she is looking for in me.

Damn, I am not really looking forward to it, nervous. But I belive she will understand and respond nicely. Shes a bit shy so I am a bit nervous that she will get nervous too - but at the same time, I am pretty sure she feel safe with me. But in the end I think it will be best for us both.
I will try to tell how I feel and ask her what she think of us. Hope it is a good way to do it. First telling what I think, then ask her?

 

Thanks again to both!

True, I don't want to convince someone that they need or should be with me. And effort should happen no matter how shy she is or not. Thats true too.
And I agree that they should do more.

Sorry, I don't always understand, hehe. So I will just make sure if I understand:

1) Do you mean I should make it clear to her and see how she reacts - either she compromise after that or she and I move on? (Maybe this is just an excuse I make in my head, but maybe it will be easier for her to compromise and work on the relationship if she knows what I am looking for(?))

2) Or do you mean that I should move on already, since she have not asked me to hang out her self - yet? (She have now been the one keeping us in contact for whatever reason - First she pulled away, then I pulled away - then she was the one who came back).

The reason why I ask is because I guess there must be at least some(?) interest from her side, since she is the one contacting me after I pull away? I am not sure if the interest from her side is necessary a relationship, but maybe friends? Which I would be happy with too. All I want to do really is to in one way or an other meet her in person, make it clear what I want and hopefully she will make it clear to me what she wants.

Maybe I should understand, but I guess I am good at making excuses in my head, haha. One of them I that I think I may have acted needy for a week, and she back away. Then I did.

(But if she does not compromise after I and her make the intentions clear, I will maybe change my mind fast... And I would not think I force her to like me, if shes the one contacting me.. this time I will just simply make it clear for us both I hope)

So to make it simple, should I even ask her to hang out - where I make it clear to her what my intentions are?
(Sorry if I am just asking you to repeat yourself, I am not good at this, hehe).

 

I guess you were both correct again! haha. Damn I need to learn soon, but at least I am not emotinally hurt this time (maybe a little bit, but that will pass fast).

I asked her to hang out again, but as normal she was busy. I know it is true that she is busy that day, but she did not even try to ask for an other day - which to me is lack of interest.
(I did not really tell her why I wanted to hang out tho (for the small chat), but I guess that if she was at all interested to stay in contact in one way or an other, she would at least make some effort to meet once again). [My guess is that she may think I am still interested to be more then friends, and she does not want to meet me because of that - but who knows - it may be different reasons too].

-After she told me she was busy I just told her that I understood and it was just to ask if she wanted to hang out sometime. Not sure if it was the best way to go, but at least now it is up to her to ask.

So it does not look like we will be able to have that small "what do you want" chat in person. That part I think is a bit sad, because it would be nice to at least be friends with her. She is a really nice person - at least that is how I know her from when we did hang out in person. The problem is that she have become a bit too distant in some ways when we are not together in person.

But there is not much more I can do, wether it is to be friends with her or more. I guess that is something I should have understood a long time ago - but for some reason I like to belive and think positive on things that won't work out in the end.

I am not really sad in the end (maybe a little bit), but more like dissapointed, since she keeps texting and thats a lot more then we did for a time... So it would be great to have the chance to just talk with her for a moment. I don't really need to hang out with her for that long, just for a chat in person.

 

Thanks!

About the phone call, it is a great idea. Was kind off hoping I could do that talk in person - but does not look like that will ever happen.

True. I think I am as @elevate, attached to a specific outcome with a specific person, which is wrong. I had so many "dreams" that I wanted to happen, but I guess that won't happen with her.

I am not really sure if I will even bother calling her or texting her again. I am not here to play games, I am here to be with someone who do effort to make it work.
If she really wanted she would try reschedule for an other time to hang out. But she does not even try. Earlier when we were together and things were fine, she actually tried to reschedule for an other day or tell that she would join after work - but that does not happen anymore.

I fully understand that shes not interested in a relationship with me (even tho I was hoping the last days, that she "regret" getting distant) - I think I was more looking for being friends with her now, since she contacted me again after "such a long break". But now I tried to ask her to hang out, with a hope of just being friends, but that did not work too.

I guess I will just have to move on, without being friends or in relationship with her anymore.

I guess I like to belive the she is not such a girl that play games, but it looks like I am wrong in the end :\

From experience with this girl so far - this is whats going to happen:
I will start getting distant for 3-7 days, and by that time she will contact me again.

(After a few days of texting I would normally ask her to hang out again. But I will stay strong and not let the mistake repeat more now).

Thanks to all! I hope I am able to move on.

 

Yeah, sad to hear it happens so often... :\ I guess I am in one way or an other have kind off moved on from her - but I miss the feeling we had when we were together. Because last time we were, everything felt so rigth... she told me she liked me and she was happy to be with me and everything... (I am stuck with pictures in my head when we were together and I can still remember thinking how happy is was... I remember thinking that I will just enjoy this moment and remember this...)... Now I kind of hope I forget those "perfect" moments, because that just makes me miss her...

Feel like I have been focusing on myself my whole life, hehe. Now I wanted to start working on dating etc. But I guess I have a lot to learn there too. I guess that I have had a strong focus on other parts of my life is some of the reason why I was blind of her "playing games" with me. I did not really understand it until people her on the forum told me. I should maybe have understood it sooner tho, because she acted a whole different when she was really interested.

This last time I kind of got more hope again (this last week), because she replyed more and sent more texts then she had been doing before, but I guess it was just a more "active game" maybe or whatever I should describe it as.

There was a lot that made me interested in her besides her beauty, hehe. First things I noticed when we were hanging out was that she was very caring and kind. She always asked how my day was, and took care of others. There is actually a lot of example I could give that show her as an caring and kind person. At least I thougth she was caring and kind, won't really say she is that if she is playing games with me :\. She was also funny and shared a lot of values and interests as me. (But I guess I may have also created a more perfect "picture" of her then it really is..)

Will try to move on as all say, haha - and focus on myself. Won't be able to really date other girls the next two months anyways for different reasons - So will have a lot of time to focus on myself. In the end I guess it is a good lesson to learn from (even tho it may hurt a bit now). It is an experience that will make me wiser for later.

 

True! I don't really think in anyway shes a bad person - that is not the person I got to now in person at least (hope I did not describe her in a bad way). Hope I did not give a false picture (even tho it does not really matter, since noone here knows who it is hehe).

I like to belive that she just does not want to tell me, because shes afraid it will hurt me (even tho it hurts whatever way it is done). But I like to think she does it to be kind in one way - because she does not want to tell me that shes not interested or ready. Because we are both busy people, that are both moving to different cities in two-three months. If thats the reason, and she does not want to enter a long distance relationship that soon, it may be difficult to just be friends (if she have any feelings) or other reasons. But it can be many reasons, so it can be hard to tell hehe.

(Because I don't belive she wanted to hurt me or something like that - I wanted to ask her to just be friends maybe. At the same time, it may be difficult to be just friends if we are both or one of us is actually interested in something more in the end).

But I guess at the same time I have to move on from these reasons I at least make in my head - they make me a bit stuck and make me think she will return. So I just have to move on I guess, if shes not interested or ready, it is not much I can do.

And as you say, there is a lot of other women to meet! Hopefully it will work out better next time! Hopefully I will have new memorys and "pictures" in my head that will be even better.

Will just focus on myself this summer and have fun and improve myself! Feel I have learnt a lot from this experience, and there is maybe a lot more to understand from this experience.

Thanks!

 

Damn, she have already contacted me on snapchat. Now my brain starts working again and telling me that she wants me to ask her to hang out again - since she could not join today.

Will stay strong, did not respond (was not really too much to respond to). If she wanted to hang out she should have at least made effort to reschedule. (I have to remember that I also told her that she could ask if she wanted to hang out one day - last time I asked and she told me that she was busy).

Normally she would get more distant after I ask her to hang out, but the last week she have been texting me a lot more then she did for some time.

Two-three weeks ago she did not always respond and did not send text often. Now she respond to every text and send texts almost everyday and even contacted me the day after I asked her to hangout - but so far not made effort to hang out.

Not easy, but I guess I don't have much choise... to just move on

 

Thanks. Pretty much what @elevate pointed out already to me. I should not play games and make it clear.

Haha, now I in one way regret not responding to her snapchat - but people at least where I live would think it was weird to respond on a "snap" I have opened many minutes ago. So I guess I will just have to stop play games myself. (Was just a picture of some dinner she made tho - not really a "text" - just showing what she was doing at the moment). Consider to send a snapchat of what I have been doing the whole day as she used too. Not sure, don't want to play games myself tho.

I consider the phone tho. We did not really phone call a lot when we were on good terms. We texted like 90 % of the time. Maybe thats one problem with our communcation.