how this came about for me

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Seattle guy, May 3, 2019.

  1. Seattle guy

    Seattle guy New Fapstronaut

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    I'm one of three 1 year apart born to two wounded parents. The worst was that their growing up wounds they past along to us. They were incapable of a positive emotional connection, all love was shown as criticism. By age 5 I gave up seeking any attention and withdrew in isolation. There I found self arousal, it probably gave my first sense of self love. Outside the home home I was incapable of of function... could not learn to read, write or math past 5 times. And, since the home situation on got worse it was all I had and my secret. I had no friends buddies. I just wanted to survive. I defied what they said I was which helped

    about 13 a popular classmate called my home and invited me of that Saturday. It seemed weird because he had never spoken to me. I rode my bike over and we both got a can of pop and went out to his ham radio room in the garage. He sitting in the control chair says, "Take a look at those magazines i left out for you" I looked and they were gay male with pictures. he grabs my groin and pulls out my dick but I was unable to stop him. A few minutes later I was out of there. Never told anyone. Today,I know that was abuse...he knew exactly what was going to happen when I got there. I read a while back he had long history of being a small town sheriff but was alway is trouble for patrolling the gay curing spots and coming up young gay men and demanding them to do sexual thing or would bring them into the police station and charge them.

    Then again at 15 an oder bigger boy at the family beach place came rolling in on his bike and asked me to go trail riding with him. I followed him on the trails into the woods and he came to a stop and got off his bike and pulled down his swim suit and demanded that I touch it abuse again. But both times I thought it meant I was gay

    neither of these times was it consensual. I realize that is some form I must have liked the attention... something that was foriegn for me
     
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  2. Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing your story.
    Neither of those situations had anything to do with your orientation, it was about theirs and their issues.
     
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  3. SoJoP

    SoJoP Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear about all your painful experiences and lonliness. Talking to guys here I’ve cone to realize a lot of our sexual behaviors are a search for connection to people. So far, i’ve found that this place has helped me move from less-healthy/unhealthy sexual behavior to healthier ones, ones that improve relationships with people in my life, especially my spouse. I hope you can find some positive healing and growth here, and that it leads you to more loving sexual connections in Your life! Hang in there!
     
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  4. MuscularSherlockHolmes

    MuscularSherlockHolmes Fapstronaut

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  5. DannyS

    DannyS Fapstronaut

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    So sad to hear you had to go through that. I hope you can find couseling or something that can help you work through that. I had also grew up isolated and friendless and that was truama enough.
     
  6. Venu Bobby

    Venu Bobby Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the community,bro.
    I'm sorry to hear your story but don't ever loose your hope.U know that you weren't a gay, that will be enough. Never get disappointed of your past.Keep moving on by staying away from those people.
    All the best,bro.
     

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