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How Much Should You Know About Your SO Ex's?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Deleted Account, Sep 10, 2017.

  1. I was with this girl who would tell me so much about her ex. I know his age and where he lives. She told me about the times they would kiss and cuddle and the fights they had. I hated knowing about this stuff but I also was curious. I expect they were things I didn't know but I think I knew too much.

    But what would you say regarding this? How much should you know about your SO ex? I know some who only want to know they had someone before them and nothing else. On the other hand I know of some who become friends with their SO ex.
    How about telling your SO about your ex? How much should you reveal? What would you see is the healthiest way to approach this subject?
     
  2. nofepper

    nofepper Fapstronaut

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    i don't want to know anything about my GF ex and i don't want to hear it from GF
     
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I'm female and I am very open about my exes in serious relationships. I am of the belief that your past long term relationships have all shapes who you are and if you are committing to a person long term these are good things to explore. If my partner told me he did not want to hear about them it would be a red flag of jealousy issues down the road. Now I'm not saying you should be told of details of their sex life but why it ended why they fought they are very important to making a current relationship work. A confident person can hear these things and not be jealous. That's just my take.
     
  4. imo talking about an ex too much is a huuuge red flag and usually indicates some unrequited emotions on their end. unless it's relevant to your current relationship (it almost never is) then it's toxic and has no place.
     
    noonoon likes this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think it has a time and a place, personally.
    I'm with my SO long term and I know all his details and he knows all of mine.
    We didn't sit down and hash this out all at once.... This has been layered in a little at a time.
    In relevant conversations about other things and people and topics going on.
    We approached it with open minds and hearts over many years.
    Your experiences and the people who shared them with you, make you who you are.
    The good, the bad, the sex, the food, the whoa, the scary, the happy, and the sad... The movie or the sights of the mountains and the desert on the road trip from college.
    You can't just talk about the this place and leave out the people or your feelings.
    You have to be open to accepting the person they are if you want to be with them and how they came to be who they are if you love them and want to continue that journey with them from that point in your life, their life.
    A little at a time.
    Hear about it.
    If the conversation is moving too fast or is too difficult at that time, be open to expressing that with them and they should be okay with slowing it down then.
    But don't close it off if you are serious.
    (Even exs.)
    It made them.

    However... Talking just about exs and randomly bringing them up just to bring them up and going on about them is a sign they aren't over them.
    Especially if it's all the time or at the beginning of your relationship.
    Just my two cents.
     
    JohnnyReid, noonoon and GG2002 like this.
  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Doing anything to excess is a red flag but I don't read that what was said by the poster is to excess. He knows his name and where he lives, okay. He knows what they used to fight about, okay helpful to know what upsets her. Did she tell him daily that they used to cuddle or did he ask? He says he hated hearing about it but was also curious so he wanted to know. I think how often she's talking about the ex, who initiates the conversation and what is being said really needs to be learned before we can understand. If a person is insecure they may think having one conversation in three months is to excess. Or saying you have been somewhere with an ex is too much. I think the poster below me sums it up very well. You of course can set whatever boundaries you want with your partner but asking that she never talk about exes is unrealistic and may cause her to feel she can't be honest with you.
     
  7. HappyDaysAreHereAgain

    HappyDaysAreHereAgain Fapstronaut

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    You probably do not want to know any more than you can handle.
    You may need to call a truce and establish some boundaries, such as: never mentioned in the bedroom; only when you ask; or absolutely no size/performance comparisons.
     
  8. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    Male lions probably go slightly overboard when they kill the lion cubs of the pride's ex but they're on the right track.

    As a man there is nothing you need to know about your SO exes - unless, perhaps if she killed him! It is better to keep it a closed subject, and for your SO to clearly understand that. Letting your SO talk about exes is allowing yourself to be emasculated.

    Similarly you should not say anything about your exes to your SO. Saying anything positive may cause jealousy - saying anything negative will make your SO worried you'll do the same if you break up. It's a no-win situation. Plus it is disrespectful to even be thinking about your ex while with a SO, who should have your full romantic attention.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2017
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I don't agree with either of the above comments and I would be interested in how other women feel because out of every woman I know (and I know a lot) if a man refused to talk about his exes that's a huge red flag and if she spoke of her exes, not incessantly but in a normal range and the partner shut her down it would read to me that he is extremely insecure and weak. This whole competing with an ex thing is ludicrous. If a woman is with you she wants to be with you and she wants you to feel confident that she does. If you can't display that confidence then maybe you are not ready yet for a relationship. I know this is not what you want to hear and you all can do as you please but if you act the way described above then it is unlikely that women won't perceive you as insecure. A secure strong man is confident enough in himself to handle these things. And remember there are two people in a relationship. So judging the situation from solely your perspective "you may not be able to handle hearing it" is very short sighted. You fail to take into account what your partner needs or wants. Encouraging people not to talk about things is encouraging them to hide and be dishonest. Example your girlfriend saw her ex at the mall today and stopped and talked with him. She does not tell you because you said you don't want to hear about her exes or you got so angry the last time she did. Your friend tells you he saw her with the ex and you are furious! Whose fault is that? People don't live in a vacuum. You both had lives before you met and it's highly unlikely that you are her first. So no one should not incessantly speak about an ex but there also should not be a total ban on it.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  10. Lmbo!

    Agreed. My hubs does not want to know anything about my exs. He knows I have a past but does not want details and I respect that. It makes him uncomfortable.

    Me on the other hand I am more curious. And I think I can handle a little more detail then him. Still I haven't pushed past what he is comfortable telling or what he thinks I don't need to know.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  11. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    After a bottle of wine ask your hubs to list the 5 areas his exs were much better at than you. That'll test how much detail you can really handle! :)

    No good can come from talking about exs, unless, that is, you want to train your hubs to lie to you.
     
  12. No matter how much alcohol he's had he would never answer that question. And well of course they aren't better than me...why do you think I'm the he married..duh..lol and he doesn't have many exs either. o_O
     
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  13. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like your hubby is a real gentleman. You're very lucky!

    Good girlfriend material and good wife material are quite different substances. One is for fun, the other for keeps.

    Perhaps if you ever did manage to get him going he might find it hard to stop at just 5. :p
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  14. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    lol that's the confidence I mean I want to see from the man! She's with me now who cares about the exes!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    My DW and I only ever shared the bad things. That seems appropriate to me. We've been married a long time now.
     
  16. Thanks for everyone's response.

    She told me but only once. For the most part she was the one who initiated the conversations. Once or twice I asked her about her ex. Looking back the relationship was bad for the both of us and sometimes I wonder why I even wanted why I even wanted it in the first place. Looking back I was hurting and was looking to her to bring some joy into my life. She had trust issues and was expecting me to cheat on her because of things that had happened in her past. I guess I can look back and say it was a lesson learned. I learnt more about relationships and women from it. But I admit I have had some jealousy issues and I'm not sure if they're natural or unhealthy.

    I don't plan on having a relationship anytime soon but started the thread to see what people thought on this issue. For me I don't plan dating until I'm rebooted. I just asked for when the time comes and I'm in a relationship. I think maybe I should go and see a therapist but the thought of seeing sort of one scares me. By accident I found myself on a website showing therapists in my area and they were actually a lot cheaper than I excepted and they didn't seem all that scary. But still I'm hesitant to go, but maybe I should... But still in current circumstances I still can't afford. I also think they might say doing NoFap is stupid.
     
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  17. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    Therapists are usually covered by insurance, so it may be less expensive than you imagine. And you're right about their opinion on nofap. That might be one of your opening questions to determine if THEY'RE worth it. If they say it is stupid you know they're a joke.
     
  18. I'm in the UK so I'm not sure if insurance plays a part in it.
     
    noonoon likes this.
  19. I think it just totally depends on the person. For me, I feel the desire, or sometimes even need, to share certain things with my husband about my past relationships. I feel too much like I'm hiding something if I don't tell him certain things. But I don't really know much about his past relationships, and honestly I don't care to. I know myself well enough to know that I'll probably just end up feeling jealous and annoyed, and theres no reason for that. So unless he wants to tell me, which he generally doesn't because he doesn't really care about that stuff, then I'm fine with not knowing.

    There were certain things I would definitely want to know, though. Mostly how far he's gone, physically, with another girl. I don't need the gorey details, but it's good to know if he's kissed anyone or had sex or seen a girl naked or whatever. At least for me it is. Idk, some girls might be happier not even knowing that, but I wanted to know.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  20. i wouldn't want to hear anything about ex gf of my current guy especially when they cuddled etc. Absolutely not. I don't wanna picture the guy I am dating with another girl. It would annoy me and make me jealous
     
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