How it really is (flow) VS How it's supposed to be (resistance).

What screws us up most is our picture of how it's supposed to be. When we resist how things really are (reality) with how it's supposed to be (fantasy), that's when we create a problem to dwell on (resistance).

It’s easier to sit in a painful certainty that nobody would find you attractive, that nobody appreciates your talents, than to actually test those beliefs and find out for sure. Certainty is the enemy of growth. Instead of striving for certainty, we should be in constant search of doubt. Instead of looking to be right all the time, we should be looking for how we’re wrong all the time. Because we are. Stop assuming you know how things are supposed to happen.

Uncertainty relieves us of our judgment of ourselves. We don’t know if we’re lovable or not; we don’t know how attractive we are; we don’t know how successful we could potentially become. The only way to achieve these things is to remain uncertain of them and be open to finding them out through experience.

Important opportunities that we consistently pass up because they threaten to change how we view and feel about ourselves. The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it. That means the more something threatens to change how you view yourself, how successful/ unsuccessful you believe yourself to be, how well you see yourself living up to your fantasy of how it's supposed to be, the more you will avoid ever getting around to it.

More attachment to a specific outcome (how it's supposed to be) = More anxiety / worry / fear / procrastination.

People who are confident in business are confident because they’re comfortable with failure. People who are confident in their social lives are confident because they’re comfortable with rejection. People who are confident in their relationships are confident because they’re comfortable with getting hurt. They don't live in a fantasy (how it's supposed to be) world where they're not supposed to fail / get rejected / get hurt. All they can do is their best. They know the rest isn't in their control.

Detachment doesn’t mean we stop caring (indifference). It means we have an inner wisdom telling us what we can control and what we cannot. Place more importance on the things you can control rather than trying to resist the reality that there's a possibility of a negative experience.

Do your best, don't make assumptions (just find out through experience), and don't take things personally (external things and other people are out of your control).

 

I have a lot of interest in what blocks myself and other people from expressing themselves honestly and going for what they want.

It's a mix of what I've learned from others, researched, and some of my own thoughts.

Most of this might sound like random ramblings. Trying to get my thoughts together around the subject.

Take for a common example of wanting to interact with a stranger you're attracted to. Reality says that the stranger might or might not want to interact with you for whatever reason. How it's supposed to be says that you're supposed to get your desired outcome and you never fail or get rejected. Because we want that perfect scenario, we start to get anxious / worry / fear / procrastinate / over think because we're resisting how things really are (the reality where rejection pain problems and negative experiences could happen). We want certainty or a guarantee that our desired outcome will happen before acting. When we really should be going into it with curiosity because we really don't know what's going to happen and we shouldn't make assumptions. We should be exploring and seeing what happens. Life is an experimental playground. You can't have higher quality pleasure, solutions, and positive experiences without allowing the possibility of pain, problems, and negative experiences.

This scenario threatens your identity because it goes against your how it's supposed to be vision of yourself where you never get hurt, fail, or get rejected. If you actually tried and got rejected, you don't know what's going to happen because you lose that identity of yourself.

Most people don't like this uncertainty or chaos. They want absolute control. They want guarantees. They want easy, certain, and instant gratification. They look for tricks and techniques to manipulate the outcome. The place you want to get to is to follow your desires fully, but being detached of the outcome. Not attaching your self worth to the outcome that you can't really control. Letting go of trying to own or control the external allows us to do our best because we focus all our energy on things we can actually control (our perceptions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, behavior).

You get to the positive by learning how to handle the negative. Where it goes wrong is when we try to erase any possibility of the negative, but at the same time it rids the possibility of the positive as well. So we end up conditioning ourselves to escape reality and become weaker in terms of handling the negative.

Fully accept that failure or rejection can happen, but still be willing to follow your desires and see what you can get away with in this experimental playground called life. Do something without guarantees. Something that might not work. The action of going for what you want is enough to fulfill you rather than depending on the outcome. You gain self respect from you attempting to reach beyond your current place rather than attaching your self worth to external things and people that can come and go (impermanence).

So it's not about whether or not the interaction with that stranger ends up good or not. It's about doing what you want, following your desires fully, and coming from a place of curiosity and playfulness. Rather than coming from a place of fantasy, fear, and anxiety of trying to control the outcome.

 

I haven't. Not really into the spiritual teachers. I'm into teachers like Robert Glover, Mark Manson, and Mel Robbins.

The thing with parents and the past is that you can only blame them for so long before you realize that you should've taken charge of your life. Rather than staying broken out of spite so you can continue to blame and be bitter. Holding on to the past is also a way to hold on to an identity that no longer serves you. The past is basically "so what? It happened, what are you going to do with your life now?" It might take a lot of work to let go of it, but eventually you have to let go.

Nobody is perfect. Under similar circumstances we have the same capacity for doing the right and wrong things just like anybody else. My parents never had the freedom, resources, and self development that I did. They were practically still children when they raised me. Holding on to that hatred and blame didn't do anyone any good. They did what they could and I turned out alright. Mistakes were made, but I've made a lot of mistakes with past people as well. It's easy to say "they should've done this and that... look how fucked up I turned out....", but how long do you intend of using that as an excuse for the way your life turned out?

If it's a matter of physical / sexual child abuse....................... then you can say "fuck them to hell", but again... eventually you'll have to do something about your life rather than staying broken and continue the blame game.

 

The mind or the ego believes everything it tells itself is true.

The past =

It rehashes perceived mistakes.
It agonizes over missed opportunities.
It replays failures and fuck-ups.
It dwells on regret about bad choices.
It collects and hangs on to perceived wounds and slights.
It revisits “what only’s” and “only if’s.”
It builds a case for, and constantly reminds you of, your defectiveness and inadequacy.

The future =

It lives in fear of repeating your same mistakes.
It is dominated by worry, fear, and anxiety.
It convinces you it is gathering information to make significant decisions, but it’s really just spinning.
It keeps you stuck in the paralysis of analysis.
It convinces you that you can’t act until you’ve considered every possible outcome of every possible action.
It constantly rehearses possible conversations and potential scenarios.
It lives in the world of “what if” and can imagine every possible negative outcome of any action or situation.
It assumes there is a perfect way to do everything, and failure is not an option.
Even when things are going well, it’s anticipating the other shoe falling.
It assumes your future will mirror your past.

The bullshit =

It compares you to others in ways that make you feel inferior and inadequate (and occasionally grandiosely superior).
It measures you by its own arbitrary standards and unrealistic expectations.
It remembers every mistake but forgets most successes.
It obsesses over what people might think about you.
It expects perfection in everything you do (and assumes everyone else does, too).
It convinces you that you’re an imposter and fraud and that it’s only a matter of time before you’re found out.
It lives for others’ affirmation and approval but can’t believe or accept them when they come.
It is terrified of failing and looking foolish.
It lives in constant fear of rejection and abandonment.

Obsessing about the past, living in the future, and comparing and measuring the self always results in a sense of worthlessness, failure, fear, and inadequacy. It paralyzes you and prevents you from acting boldly in your own best interest. It keeps you isolated and lonely. It makes you think you have to overcompensate and exceed people’s expectations in order to be loved and liked (and get laid). It blinds you to opportunity and the open doors that surround you. It keeps you living in deprivation rather than abundance.

Your mind / ego distorts your reality, perceptions, memories, thoughts, and emotions. It easily convinces you that you’re a worthless, unlovable person, and that the world is a scary, unforgiving place. It has no problem dredging up all kinds of evidence to support and reinforce these distorted beliefs while ignoring information that might contradict them (confirmation bias).

If your mind thinks it, your mind believes it, without question. This is human nature.

Here’s an example. You see a pretty woman you want to approach and talk to. Your mind starts spinning. It tells you that if you approach this woman, you might get rejected and feel foolish. But it also tells you that if you don’t approach her, you’ll always regret it.

If you do get up the nerve, approach her, and get rejected, your mind beats you up for being so stupid and ruminates about what a loser you are. It repeatedly reminds you, “I told you so! What were you thinking? Women like that don’t go for losers like you.”

If you believe your mind’s warnings and avoid approaching her, then of course nothing happens, and your brain reinforces the faulty belief that women just aren’t attracted to you. It points out that you don’t have a woman in your life, so it must be true that that women can tell you are a loser. Then every night before you go to sleep, your mind imagines all the ways in which she might have been the perfect woman for you if you weren’t such a coward and a loser and could actually talk to women.

 

@Boeing747

Be uncertain and don't make assumptions as in don't think that you know what's going to happen before you try and experience it yourself.

Identity and certainty as in I know who I am right now, but I'll lose that identity if I allow myself to face uncertainty where I could fail or get rejected.

How it's supposed to be as in I'm not supposed to fail or get rejected, but how it really is in reality is you have to fail and get rejected to get better and it's a part of life.

 

Thanks.

 

Thanks.

I'll keep the thread though because I value my opinion.

You keep giving it a go though.

=)

 

Good job.