How I developed an annoying amount of confidence

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Eagersalmon, Oct 13, 2014.

  1. Eagersalmon

    Eagersalmon Fapstronaut

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    Hello fellow non-fappers,stalkers,lurkers, and other internet kindred.

    I have been looking around these forums for the better part of a year. They have been extremely helpful in a few areas for me so i decided to give back the best way i can. Indeed, i feel rather obliged to share my experiences with social anxiety, and how i ,(for lack of a better term) emerged from the murky depths of high school with so much confidence i annoyed everyone around me.

    Disclaimers(yes there are a fair few):

    1:This is my experience, i have no idea how my methods will impact you. My situation is likely very different to your own.

    2:Confidence does not always translate to results, sometimes confidence gets you into trouble.

    3: What i suggest may require annoying/intimidating others around you

    4: I am young, very young (19) by most people's standards. You could say that maybe i'm inexperienced in life. Fair enough, i recognize that i have much to learn and do.

    5. My "transformation" happened over many years, reinforced by my personality, events and people around me.

    Ok, what i suggest follows a kind of 5 step plan

    1. Find something you're good at (can be nigh on anything)

    2. Personally identify with whatever you're good at. Make it a part of yourself. Be proud to be associated with this activity.

    3. Strive to be the best at what you identify with (If you're truly good at whatever you're doing you're likely to meet success).

    4. Now you "own" this area of knowledge, experience, game, sport, whatever. You're the best, this is your "core".

    5. From this core everything will flow. Say for example you're a gifted programmer,writer, athlete, whatever, you own this shit, no one you know personally can usurp this.

    6. watch others struggle in your area of expertise. See how you can simply achieve things many other can't.

    7. Because you can achieve such "remarkable" feats whilst others struggle you're in some ways superior.

    8. With this new knowledge approach everything knowing that whatever happens you still have your "core"

    9. The more you approach things with confidence, generally the more confidence you will have. It's like developing a habit or discipline, it just becomes normal function.

    Ok, here is a short run down of my experience.


    In primary school- elementry (grades 1-6 in Australia)
    I was never well liked, socializing was something that clearly was harder for me than other students. Many times during breaks I would feel isolated, alone. It was difficult, but hey kids are shitty people. I believe that this experience lead me to be a very strong individual. I was more or less forced to like myself because no one else did. In later years I made friends with individuals through shared interests. However, i was never popular in any sense.

    Highschool- middle school (grades 7-10)
    It was here that i started to notice in class i picked up on English, History, and Sciences very quickly. I suppose i might be slightly 'gifted'(I hate the term as much as anyone else). Anyway, it meant that often i knew shit noone else did. I guess i got a taste of superiority. This drove me towards reading, googleing, ect, anything to further my knowledge in the areas that interested me. As a result of this constant learning i always had the answer. I had a core, a centre from which all my confidence would flow.

    Further highschool (grades 11-12)
    I think it was during this period that i saw the most evolution. I took my confidence from my knowledge and decided to apply it to the outer world. I could do this because i possessed a core. I knew that if i failed it wouldn't matter because i can always perform at what i'm good at. If i failed (and i did on occasions) i didn't care. I developed a sort of shield, complete confidence that whatever i do my core will still be intact. Once i developed this attitude it attracted the ire of many people. And i guess fair enough, what i now possess very much looks like arrogance. Indeed, a strong argument could be made that this entire article is the ravings of a madman. However, i know my weaknesses, i just don't acknowledge them as limiting factors. If i can do something about my weakness i will, if i can't i accept them as a part of who i am. Essentially i think confidence derives from self acceptance. And those steps i posted above is how i reached said self acceptance.


    So there you have it. I guess in some ways what i have said might be a little unsettling but this is really how i have developed thus far. This is not a guide to make someone, anyone, or everyone like you. Rather, it is about developing a strong acceptance of self. Anyway i hope this will be of use to someone or i will have just wasted thirty minutes. Feel free to scold my for my moral depravity, or ask questions.
     
  2. patienttom

    patienttom New Fapstronaut

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    "6. watch others struggle in your area of expertise. See how you can simply achieve things many other can't.

    7. Because you can achieve such "remarkable" feats whilst others struggle you're in some ways superior."

    Don't base your sense of self worth in comparison to others. You cannot be the absolute best at something, and the further you go in the direction of what you are good at, the more you will encounter people who are better than you at whatever you consider your great strength and superiority. I don't say stop trying to be the best - just learn to like yourself with all the faults you have, otherwise whenever your sense of self-superiority feels threatened, you will feel tremendously insecure. This is based on my experience - I'm currently trying to feel confident in myself without having to see myself as better than others. This is at least what I find - take from it what you will and have a nice day.
     
  3. VanillaMochi

    VanillaMochi Fapstronaut

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    You have a lot to learn my friend. Confidence doesn't annoy people by the way. You're probably being gaudy or snarky about the things you're good at when no one but you really cares. Most people don't care about your dreams let alone want to hear you brag about them.

    My guess is you still have a lot of things to work on socially.

    - VM
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2014
  4. Eagersalmon

    Eagersalmon Fapstronaut

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    I would think that you cannot avoid basing your self worth in relation to others. It's unavoidable. If you want to partake in any modern society you are judged by what you can and cannot do.

    "However, i know my weaknesses, i just don't acknowledge them as limiting factors. If i can do something about my weakness i will, if i can't i accept them as a part of who i am. Essentially i think confidence derives from self acceptance. And those steps i posted above is how i reached said self acceptance."

    Perhaps I did not explain myself well. Essentially I advocate knowing yourself. Build confidence through what you do. If you would like to practice detachment from the world that's nice. But, I think you will find you naturally judge yourself and others in relation to ability.
     
  5. Eagersalmon

    Eagersalmon Fapstronaut

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    Ever heard of tall poppy syndrome? Confidence can,does,and will likely annoy others. Perhaps outside of competitive groups you would be correct. The majority of people likely don't give two shits. However when you're talking about smaller groupings. Work, school,dating, hobbies all have elements of competition within them. Within these environments confidence is often transformed or interpreted as hubris. It happens. Naturally, conflicts will happen. Naturally, people will not like it when you apparently have all the answers.

    If you're content with mediocrity that's fine. Clearly you and I have different methods of navigating life. Although, maybe you're not so different "My guess is that you have a lot of things to work on socially". I'm sure i don't need to explain the irony in such a dismissal.
     
  6. abra

    abra Fapstronaut

    There is a quote I like : "if you're the most brilliant person of a group, then you're not at the good place".

    "If you apparently have all the answers" - it is not called talking but bragging then :) The way you say things is even more important than what you say.

    "If you're content with mediocrity that's fine" - it is harder to find the good in people and what they can bring you. To me, mediocrity would be finding mediocrity in others.

    You can be unliked by others. But try to make it a choice, otherwise it means you don't control anything and project your ego everywhere. And it is so much easier to succeed with other people than against them.
     
  7. Eagersalmon

    Eagersalmon Fapstronaut

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    "if you're the most brilliant person of a group, then you're not at the good place".
    Now we're talking with one of my key issues with the majority of people.

    "If you apparently have all the answers" - it is not called talking but bragging then The way you say things is even more important than what you say

    -One may call it preaching,teaching,declaring,stating. Each has it's own nuanced meaning. There are many ways to say the same thing. Not quite sure what you're getting at here. Indeed, i have stated that arrogance, hubris,and confidence are often unavoidably mixed.

    "If you're content with mediocrity that's fine" - it is harder to find the good in people and what they can bring you. To me, mediocrity would be finding mediocrity in others.

    1. "it is harder to find the good in people and what they can bring you." What are you on about? What you just said makes no sense.

    2. "To me, mediocrity would be finding mediocrity in others"
    Now that's a bit of a paradox. As you your self would be mediocre in making such a judgement.I can see what you're saying. I guess that's your moral judgement on my methods.

    "You can be unliked by others. But try to make it a choice, otherwise it means you don't control anything and project your ego everywhere. And it is so much easier to succeed with other people than against them."

    -nowhere do i advocate actively going against others. You may do so on your path. That's fine. I never say make enemies. I say it may be inevitable.
     
  8. Eagersalmon

    Eagersalmon Fapstronaut

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    "In the end, confidence is built by realising what you have that others don't. But once you reach the next level, you always have the choice of looking down to others or not. I'd say a lot of people fall into that trap, and sometimes they're worse to work with than people with low confidence.

    In the context of long-term work relationships, humility is just as essential as being an expert at what you do.

    Abel"

    Yes i would agree. Humility in its self is a strength. The ability to recognize when you're out of your depth is critical. As humans we are not infallible.
     
  9. abra

    abra Fapstronaut

    Yeah, thanks for the answers.
    Sometimes my sentences are not totally correct because we can allude (or invert) more words in french and I forget to write them back when I speak english ^^
    There was no judgement from me, really, just my point of view, if you are happy (and confident) with who you are, everything is fine.
     
  10. Eagersalmon

    Eagersalmon Fapstronaut

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    Oh no worries mate. I was kind of getting that vibe. :)
     
  11. Gilbert

    Gilbert Fapstronaut

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    I can see where you're coming from in some sense. I find that I've often flourished at what I'm good at, say playing the flute, when I've been around other people that are good at it. This happened when I moved schools for sixth form to a school that was basically a lot better for music - and I improved being around people that were better than me kinda.

    That said, going out your way to be the best at something is a somewhat lost cause as there's ALWAYS going to be someone better than you at something.
     
  12. CompleteSeed

    CompleteSeed Fapstronaut

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    In my experience if you ever reach an extremely expert/talented level of prestige and or ability such that you can effortly outcompete all possible competitors consistently at a particular task and the motivation for your competency is itself to be competitent than you will find the task to be un-interesting, un-motivating and un-inspirational and as such get no satisfaction from it. Any confidence will be merely at your competency of the task yet you will have no respect for it as you realize the task to be of mere super-ficial benefit.

    Of course if the purpose of the task is not to compete but has meaningful benefits (e.g. sport bonding with teamates and physically challenging or science making a difference in a field, parkour for just having fun etc) than I can see the benefits.

    Even as so I wouldn't get the confidence as a result of prestige but as a result of putting in effort to something that was meaningful and satisfactory for my life and as such would get confidence merely from attempting and learning to be successful at such a task.

    All I'm really trying to say is that I'd personally recommend not use competition as a driving force for accomplishment to such a perspective that it's only motivational factors are in outcompeting and degrading others not as an ethical issue I just feel that it would not benefit the individual.
     

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