1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

How does a PA go from superficiality to deep-emotional connection?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TryingHard2Change, Jan 12, 2018.

  1. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I am PA (actually, a recovering PA since the weekend after Thanksgiving).

    Besides the porn itself and what that took away from my SO sexually .. the biggest issues / complaint / problem that my SO has with me is how she and I have never been able to connect on a deep-emotional level (we've been married for 21 years). I have always felt this lack in me .. I never realized how closely aligned being a PA is with being emotionally shallow.

    I now fully acknowledge that PA is a major contributing factor to me not being able to connect, emotionally-deeply with my SO.

    QUESTION THEN: How does a PA go from superficiality to deep-emotional connection?

    Thoughts?
     
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    1,313
    2,084
    143
    Honestly? For us we sought out “feel good “ movies and tv shows and talked about what we felt / related to in them . Great deep emotional convos . We just watched the Lion , it was fantastic ( there is slight nudity /sex) but it didn’t trigger either of and not the basis of the movie .
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I don't have any specific resources but I think "Emotional Intelligence" is what you are describing. Might give you a good starting point for finding some answers. I love that you are asking and wanting this.
     
    Jennica and Kenzi like this.
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    My SO wanted connection.
    With me, with himself... With...
    I'm not sure.
    Just lots of connections.
    He really liked the Workshops listed in the Lists.
    He reads... Alot.
    Some of his articles are in their too.
    He started asking questions about feelings.
    Looking at faces.... Trying to figure out how they were feeling. (incredibly difficult for him- he's a fidgeter and likes to avoid eye contact-he has ADHD)
    And why.
    He why everything in a circumstance.
    Why does this make one person feel like that and not another person?
    Even the kids.
    Ours have very different personalities.
    Food for thought, maybe.
    He's pretty good at this now.
    Having sympathy and empathy for other people and different types of people even new people.
    Even if it takes him a minute now.
    He's alot better.
    Good luck
     
  5. Practice spending time together.
     
    ItsNeverTooLate likes this.
  6. Walk together
    Talk about things: you past, your present, your future
    Cuddle
    Kiss and make out w/o sex
    Watch rom-com’s (yes I know but they like it)
    Do little things
     
    Jennica and Deleted Account like this.
  7. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    @darknight, @DemonSemen: thanks for the ideas .... those all center around spending time with your SO -- I get it..that is the end goal: to spend quality time together and get closer and closer as a couple.

    But if you were in a situation where spending time together was either not possible (on different continents for 3 months) --- or, when you are together .. spending time together is the bottom-most thing your SO wants to do .. ???

    ..

    Spending time together -- regular date nights, romantic getaways, etc. .... these were all habits/practices that we did fairly regularly -- but emotional shallowness, the inability to connect emotionally-deeply was always a problem I had.

    ..

    I guess my question should be less centered on what we do as a couple .. instead, what changes took place in PA's post PM'ing that allowed deep emotional connection to be made, where it had always been difficult or impossible before?
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. I think the answer is the same, but a correction: I don't always believe in "quality" time as opposed to "quantity" time. If we wait around trying get quality time, we will never spend time together. Spend quantity time together: doing boring stuff together regularly. Gradually you'll see that time turn into "quality" time. It's quality because you are together.

    Now I'm in a similar situation as you where my spouse often doesn't give a shit about spending time together. That's when I take matters into my own hands and force us to go on a date or do something I like. I don't do that often, but sometimes it's necessary to force a spouse out of their comfortable shell. There's only so much TV a couple can watch together!
     
    Jennica and TryingHard2Change like this.
  9. Those deep moments with my wife are often shared silence after doing fun things together.
    If you cannot laugh together, it is hard to cry together.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
  10. Intimacy is about knowing the other person and them knowing you. If your separated geographically it’s more difficult for sure.

    You need to learn about each other. Memories, fears, desires, dreams.

    If you’re the one having the problem then you may need to figure that out. Therapy can help.

    Do you write her letters? Not emails, not texts. Letters.
     
  11. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    @DemonSemen: yeah...yesterday was our anniversary (21 years!); when I left the States on Sunday to come back to Europe, I left her 4 "time-release" notes (open on Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu).

    I can write her more letters...

    I do think therapy will help -- I will be back to our newly found CSAT in February...I will definitely be asking this same question to her.

    The book I am reading looks like it talks about this--PA's lack of intimacy with their spouse.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    612
    1,493
    123
    You can try remembering all the positive fun memories you two have had over years, write them down and note to your self and her on why and how they made you feel. Do your best to remember the details about her, settings, the food and how it tastes if it was over dinner. It’s great exercise for connecting to your emotions and you can share all the awesome amazing memories with her, it’s also helps build appreciation and focus on the positive. It’s reconnecting and something you send her.
     
  13. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

    1,044
    1,995
    143
    Have you looked into "Intimacy Anorexia"? Doug Weiss has lots of good info about it.
     
    ItsNeverTooLate likes this.
  14. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

    361
    903
    123
    Read and read some more. About empathy, intimacy, communication, etc.

    My SO still struggles with this sometimes. We still joke about him being a robot but seriously, he has come a long way since cutting out addiction in general. We understand ourselves and each other better after we took the following tests.

    https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

    http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

    The personality one helped us understand how we approach problems and solutions. We’ve become more patient with each other. I understand now that he approaches most everything as a solvable problem to be dealt with swiftly, methodically, and concisely - “I’m quitting porn. You’re going to trust me again. Marriage will be good once more. Failure is not an option but if it happens we’ll deal with it then.”o_O I’m more the “Why? How? When? What? We must explore all possibilities and the consequences of each so we can prepare for the best and worst case scenarios.” :rolleyes:

    That’s were the attachment theory test came in handy. It help him explore “deeper” aspects of his personality that he assumed were “just the way they are” without rhyme or reason but he now understands are ingrained subconsciously based on childhood experiences. He kept saying he had a good childhood and was just an addict because it just happened to be that way. Now he understands he did have a good childhood but there were areas of emotional neglect only because his parents were never given the tools required by their parents to fulfill certain needs for him and his brother.

    Great to see you asking the “hard” questions @TryingHard2Change! Your username is very fitting.:) Best wishes to you and your spouse.
     
    Kenzi, Torn, Jennica and 1 other person like this.

Share This Page