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How do you deal with sexual jeaously - getting over girlfriend's "slutty" past

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Blue-Skies-Above, Jan 25, 2017.

  1. Blue-Skies-Above

    Blue-Skies-Above New Fapstronaut

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    This comes up from time to time in my mind, thinking about my GFs promiscuous past. I think nofap would be a good place to get some feedback about this. I think about the guys who have had sex with her, and in detail about how she did oral to them, got it, etc etc etc, and it gets me really worked up thinking that she allowed that without commitment of any kind

    Slutty in quotes b/c I'm not trying to insult her just think it is a more popular word then promiscuous.

    Also hi Im new here is it ok to ask questions about relationships and sex in general? This is a big site that says it is all about sexual health so figured it would be ok
     
  2. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    Yeah this is a legitimate issue, my advice is to accept the person's past and forgive them if you really love them - thats really the best you can do. It really is a case by case basis and there are a lot of situational factors that may influence the right way to approach this. My general consensus is to be open accepting and forgiving about it and move on - you can't change the past but you can change the future. Welcome to the forums, I have found this to be an exceptionally helpful and positive community. I think this thread is appropriate and does not seem at all out of place.
     
    Truthevadesme and jonny94 like this.
  3. jonny94

    jonny94 Fapstronaut

    Hi Blue-Skies-Above, of course you can ask these kind of questions, welcome to the community! As Mankrik already said, you could forgive her for what happened in the past. I personally think that promiscuity is not the key to a happy fulfilling life as it leaves you with the same numbness like PMO. I'm sure that she wasn't happy with herself at that time.
     
  4. I had trouble with these types of thoughts in my early 20s. I was very jealous even though i was the only person in her life at the time.

    What it came down to was i was grapling with my own insecurities: didnt feel like i was good enough, etc.

    Dont dwell on her past if she has choosen u as her future.
    Its a quick way to ruin a relationship, and its not something either of you can change.

    Ask yourself "why does it really bother you?"
    And if you cant move past it, you mite need to dig deeper.
     
  5. RedPillRebooter

    RedPillRebooter Fapstronaut

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    Have sex with her and move on, she'll only lead you to misery if you decide to love her as a gf.
     
    Ibnmorales likes this.
  6. SupBruh

    SupBruh Fapstronaut

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    How did this come up? Did you ask her about it? You really shouldn't ask a partner about their past; she'll think you're insecure, you'll think she's either lying or promiscuous.

    Second of all, that's a red flag if I ever saw one. So the only real way of 'dealing' with it is to distance yourself away from her; be contempt with the idea that she might leave you and you're in it for the ride. Better not ask next time.
     
  7. Although it may seem like a red flag to some, is she currently promiscuous? If not, then this is part of her past that is in the past! You are on a PMO addiction site which I am assuming you are here trying to change your life, and kick this addiction. I assume you are not proud of your addiction, and probably feel ashamed about certain things you have done. But you are here to change those things. Why are you judging her past when you have a past that you would not want others to judge? Thinking about this stuff is how the significant other thinks/feels about their porn addicted partner. If she is different now, then you should be accepting of who she currently is, if she is being honest and faithful, just like you want her to accept you and who you are trying to become if you are also being honest and faithful about your reboot.

    As far as men and women having promiscuous pasts, it is a double standard that is unfair. Most see men being promiscuous in the past as normal young adult life, as well as the majority of society seeing men watching porn as normal (which we know PMO has horrible consequences). But if women do the same, it is seen as slutty and that she is damaged or a whore. Yes, many men and women seek out sex to fill a void, to find emotional feelings in the wrong way, but PMO also fills a void. You really need to think about who she is, not what she did in the past before you two were together. If she is faithful to you, you should give her a chance, just like she should give you a chance if you are dedicated to getting past your addiction.

    Your relationship in general may not be the right fit in the long run, as both of you may have personal things to work on. But don't judge her unfairly based on her past, especially if you want her to accept you and your addiction. This is a huge double standard, and maybe it is a way for you to ruin a good thing to avoid getting emotionally intimate with her. Maybe this is a way for you to sabotage this relationship, rather than enjoy it. She could judge you just as harshly for your addiction, but either she doesn't know about it, or is accepting you as the person you are currently.

    Also, you have no problem watching women do those things in porn, so why are you so upset about the idea that she has a sexual past? It seems extremely hypocritical to PMOing but being disgusted with her for having sex in the past. Look deeper into what is truly your issue with this.
     
    kropo82, Sam Hell, Pitynot and 7 others like this.
  8. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    Her sexual past and what she choose to do with HER body is really none of your business. The fact that your upset about it has everything to do with your own insecurities and nothing to do with her. Also skip the judgement, she, like all women, can have sex with as many people as she wants and should be free from judgement for it. Yes she may have underlying issues causing her to seek out sex as an escape or maybe she is very emotionally healthy and well balanced and enjoys an active sex life. The idea that women should remain virginal until a man possesses them for his sole enjoyment is a messed up byproduct of our messed up culture. Women should be free to have sex as often as they want with whomever they want without judgement in a free society.
     
    oreogirl, Saskia, WaRLocK_0_0 and 2 others like this.
  9. I personally do not see what the big deal is especially if she's not currently promiscuous. Who in here is perfect or has a spotless past? Has she been loving and loyal to you in your relationship? If so then take that as a compliment that she sees in you someone special. Maybe you could appreciate her in the same way? I personally do not like nor agree with causal sex. I think it's harmful and degrading behavior, but my intolerance for casual sex is not an intolerance for those who've done it or still practice it. I was with a woman who was okay with casual sex and done a lot of it in her past. Once she knew my stance on it I could see she instantly felt as if I was ashamed of her and asked me if I was disgusted by her. I pulled her close and held her in my arms and told her that I loved her and that I was neither ashamed or disgusted by her. If you love your girlfriend then I would suggest doing the same. Also women are vary intuitive so if you think she's not catching on about your insecurities regarding her past then think again.

    Man you're blind to your own hypocrisy aren't you?! You tell him to leave her because of her "slutty past", yet your advice to him is to be a slut and use her and then move on? Man I hope you never leave your parents basement.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2017
  10. Irish Explorer

    Irish Explorer Fapstronaut

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    Honestly, it's none of your business what she did in the past. You're worried about her past promiscuity, but I'm more worried about her dating a guy who is so jealous that he's obsessing over her past sexual encounters and judging her for it. That can't be healthy for her. If you care about her, you need to get over that asap.
     
    oreogirl and Deleted Account like this.
  11. Ibnmorales

    Ibnmorales Fapstronaut

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    be careful with these types of girls'... have a adult convesation with her about her past if your really that worried about it A healthy relationship is one with open communication.so reach out sit her down and have a serious conversation about your concerns and worries if she's not willing to help you with the current worries your having about her past which is will she cheat on me etc... then my advice is to leave her before you get to involved and become emotionally dependent on her. just my advice best of luck and i wish you a successful relationship.
     
    September and WaRLocK_0_0 like this.
  12. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like this goes a little deeper than simple jealousy. The problem is not HER past. It's YOUR inability to make peace with it. Addiction has a sister condition called obsession. One can be mistaken for another or someone can suffer from both conditions. Obsessions often lead to compulsive behavior which is also a symptom of addiction.

    We all have the desire to avoid getting hurt and it's natural to worry a little bit about potential danger. But obsessions are thoughts that are intrusive and have a persistent negative effect and are often based on fear. It's natural to think about and worry about someone in a relationship, but you are having thoughts that are destroying your trust in her. The fact that those thoughts are common themes in porn might not be coincidental. I may be way off base. There's not much information provided and I am by no means a psychologist. Give it some thought and if it sounds like you then google 'how to get rid of obsessive thoughts' and if you're serious about making it work with this girl then you might need to see a therapist to talk it out.
     
  13. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    I see where you're coming from, but I think you're oversimplifying it.

    When I think of my former sexual partners (they're not many, thank god) I feel our intercourse left marks inside of me. I like to think of these marks as invisible tattoos of their names inside my heart. Moreover, when you meet a person who you've had sex with, you always have some sort of physical reaction, no matter how long it's been. Your body doesn't forget, and it all keeps running in your subconscious somewhere. This proves that the past is affecting the present, in some way.

    I was in love with a "promiscous" girl once. More than two years after our affair we met again because I couldn't forget her. She had changed. She was broken inside and she told me that, because of all her affairs and relationships, she isn't even sure if she ever wants a relationship again. Now it's more than two years later again, and judging from her Facebook profile (where I see the subtle signs) she hasn't changed since our last meeting. Although I would never want her again, this whole experience still hurts me when I think about it.

    It's like you share some of your life energy with a person, and when the two of you are together, it adds up, but when you seperate you both carry some of the other person's energy with you -- you've stolen it from each other, and now it dies.

    I recently read that while we used to suppress sexuality in the past, what we're suppressing now is guilt. In postmodern culture there are no values, nothing matters anymore. But that isn't how we are made as humans. We are made to live in communities, but nowadays we're mostly individuals who are so proud of their so-called "freedom" to do whatever we want and not fear any consequences.

    Now, @Blue-Skies-Above, have you told your girlfriend about your feelings? What does she think about her past? What's her attitude towards her sexuality now? I think the basis for a happy future of the two of you would be that she is understanding of these feelings of yours, and that she has actually changed. Your fantasies are quite graphic, apparently, and may be you are a little too jealous or even obsessive indeed, but unlike some other users here I believe that the issue is very real and that it's not "only you".
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  14. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    Your attaching a lot of mystical belief to your sexual encounters. I think sex with a loving partner can be very spiritual (for lack of a better word) in that you can experience deep connection and feelings of love. But there is also sex that is solely for pleasure, and there is nothing wrong with that... in fact it's quite good.

    Casual sex is not really going to cause someone to become broken inside. More likely this person was experiencing emotional or mental health issues, and the affairs were a means of self medicating to avoid the pain... much like PMO addiction.
    A healthy, well balanced individual can engage in (safe) casual sex, even frequently, without risk of ruining there lives.
    And if that individual happens to be a women, she should be free of this type of judgement.

    Now perhaps this specific individual was promiscuous as a means of dealing with some kind of pain. In this case it would be best to deal with this through counseling so that she can be in a healthy position for having a healthy relationship.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. DonGiovanni

    DonGiovanni Fapstronaut

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    It only matters who she is now, unless there's some crazy gun weilding ex boyfriend, in which case unless you're madly in love, you should stay away from her. All in all, if it's not gonna hurt you TODAY ( an undiagnosed or undisclosed STD), or some underlying sex addiction or whatever that has her sleeping around without her letting you know, then just ENJOY that person and see what lessons and experiences you can both have together. I'm new here, but I'm guessing most of the people at nofap would be lonely individuals if we were all judged by our past. Besides, the more sex someone has, the more practice he/she gets. If I'm going to a cardiologist, I'd rather have a very well experienced cardiologist checking out my heart, rather than a newly graduated one. *wink*
    There's way too much dude insecurity being camouflaged under worries of how much sex or how many sex partners a lady has had. Or worse, a dude being insecure about a girl that has more sexual experience than him.
    Like someone else said, I think who she's had sex with is none of your business.
    If she's with you, if she likes you, if she chose you, then enjoy the privilege.
    I think you should see this as a YOU issue rather than a HER issue. Something's up with you that is letting you make this seem as though it really matters. So I'll ask you this, What are you truly afraid of? That she did it better TO them? That they did it better to her? That she moaned louder? Or O'ed more? Maybe some of them got her to do to them that thing that she's yet to do to you? It doesn't matter dude. Seriously. The past doesn't even exist if you really think about it. All those things she did don't exist and are not happening. On the other hand, it's all happening to you! And every moment you waste thinking about what she did is a moment that you could've just been calm, happy, having a fun date, doing whatever more enjoyable than worrying about this. So try to see what's up behind those evil thoughts that are cramping your brain. You seem to have good intentions with her, and belonging to this community, you must be going through big/tough life changes. So, I wish you best of luck and happiness.
     
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