How do I trust him again?

Hi all,

I'm so thankful to have found this community. I'm crying as I write this, I'm just so upset. Today I had one of the most difficult conversations of my life with my boyfriend of just over a year.

We met at orientation for our grad school program, hit it off immediately, and got together about six months later. I was in another one of a series of nightmare relationships when we met, and it took a while to untangle myself.

Fast-forward, we were dating for about seven months when we had our first conversation about P. I was expecting him to say he watched it occasionally, so it was a surprise to hear him say that he doesn't think P has a place in a monogamous relationship and that he had stopped watching it a few months prior. I counted my lucky stars and promptly stopped watching the P I viewed on occasion, recognizing how harmful it indeed was. He has a problem with lying about things when he feels like he might disappoint or upset me, so at the time I was suspicious. But when I pressed the issue he swore up and down that it was no longer a problem. We had really good, (seemingly) open conversations about it since then and he always acted like it was fine.

So, about two weeks ago, he's been really practicing open honesty with me and he shares more about his struggles with P. He lets slip that he did not quit cold turkey and in fact had several relapses after our initial conversation. I was incredibly hurt, tried to be supportive, but couldn't keep it together. I come from a family of drug addicts and I am a therapist at an addiction facility. Needless to say, lies are a big one for me.

Today after therapy I told him that, going forward, I'm trusting my gut. If I have a doubt, I will ask him to think about what he said and give him a chance to correct himself. But I CANNOT keep finding stuff out after the fact. He agreed, and I told him if there is anything else he needs to share, now is his chance. Finally he told me he's been having urges as recently as last week. He had been viewing still images instead of videos, making excuses to himself, etc., all while knowing he didn't want to live that way anymore. Last viewing was 3 weeks ago (he says) but just P, no M or O supposedly. Then as recently as a week ago, he went as far as typing a search in his phone but deleted it before actually searching.

For me, if the worst thing that happened was that I dated an occasional P user, I could live with that. But I cannot tolerate the lies, and he himself said that viewing P leads to a binge, which is NOT healthy whatsoever.

He is extremely upset as well. He wants to look into computer accoubtability software, see his therapist more often, and join groups/work a program. After I left he called a friend/mentor of his and told him everything, then told his brother. As for me, I told him I need time but that I'm not gone yet. I know first-hand that people can change, but my own baggage is weighing me down here because I told myself I'd never end up with an addict.

My main concerns right now:

1. How on Earth do I trust anything he says? I realize he demonstrated honesty by saying all this, but good Lord did I have to pull it out of him. I've been told several times "there's nothing more, I've told you everything" only to find out more. At this point, I do not believe what he told me today. I believe he's been using more/more recently than he said. It's driving me nuts because I just don't buy it. Not to mention, I have no clear idea of what his actual habits/frequency actually looked like because his story has changed. He said at the peak he'd PMO nearly every day, but it has lessened considerably and now it's apparently pictures here and there. But who knows. I keep saying I can't move forward until I know the full extent of the problem, but how do I know when he's told it all?

2. He is 25 and still lives at home with his family. I am 27, I've lived independently since I was 19. I never pressured him to move out because he is Hispanic and I know it's for the most part a cultural thing. But now I know it goes deeper. Home is his safety blanket, it enables old and lazy behavior, and it keeps him too comfortable for real change.

3. Related to #2, he is surrounded by environmental triggers. He works hard (as do I) and his way of relaxing is sitting at the computer, mindlessly clicking YouTube videos. Or sitting around playing video games with his phone there, ready for him to search P as soon as his attention wanders. I pointed out to him how unhealthy that was today and I think he finally sees it. But I don't live with him so I can't know for sure what he's doing. I need him to commit to some new habits right away.

4. Should I stick it out for a while since he's clearly trying, or see a red flag for what it is and save myself?

I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you to anyone who reads this, I need help so badly right now.

Rooni

 

Thank you all so much for your kind words and love. I can't express how much of a comfort that is right now, but I'm sure you all understand.

@hope4healing I appreciate the honesty and the message of hope. Even doing what I do for a living, when it comes to something so personal I have a hard time believing that real change is possible. But hearing from you all and reading some of the experiences here makes me think it could be worth giving it another go.

@Numb God, I know exactly what you mean about questioning everything. I have so, so many questions. I want to know exactly what happened, how many lies, and on and on. It feels like everything he said/says is under a microscope, but that's probably no way to live. He did join this site and he says he's been finding out a lot of really good information. I know he's currently listening to a self-help book but maybe incorporating some reading specifically to this subject would be good.

@GhostWriter

I'm struggling with this right now. I feel a strong impulse to "know how bad it was", which means I want to know every last excruciating detail. But do I really? I don't know. I think that's driven by the anger. I think I'm so angry at having been lied to, and if I leave any stone unturned then I'm letting him "get away" with something. But maybe, like you said, it just doesn't matter anymore.

At first he didn't see why this part was so important, but I believe he is starting to. He has the time between now and summer to work on finding a place, but once that time is up there are no excuses. The reason for the timing is because we are in our final semester of school and are in the process of finding paid internships for once we graduate. I don't expect him to move out without an income, but that deadline is coming up quick so he better jump on it. The other night I brought up the possibility of him renting a place with his older brother, who also still lives at home (notice a pattern here?) and he thought that was a good idea. We haven't talked about it since so I want to follow up on that. I know the notion of moving out and "adulting" is terrifying for him, but I don't think he'll maintain any of his progress without it.

He decided on his own to do a 90 reboot, hard mode. So he's removing not only PMO, but the coping mechanisms as well. YouTube, social media, mindless TV. He's keeping his phone out of his bedroom and bathroom. He's got this forum, his therapist, plus an accountability partner (well, two of them if you count his brother) that he can go to if he struggles or relapses. And this morning he decided to use Covenant Eyes, though I am not the one with access to it, it is a close and trusted friend/mentor of his. That part was more my idea, as I want this to be about him and his recovery and not just "proving" anything to me. Plus, I know myself and I know I would obsess over the accountability reports, the filters, etc.

At this point he has agreed to all of it. All the other times in the past when I'd get suspicious about a lie, his behavior, etc., he'd make a show of "everything's fine, no need to worry" and we'd move along. This time he's made it clear he understands that there is nothing at all okay about his behavior and that he doesn't want to live this way anymore. I just want to know that he's making these changes for him, not just for me. I am also struggling with the consequences that come after the boundaries. For me, I have no problem drawing the line but I do wimp out when it comes to saying what happens if he steps over it. My question is: Say my first boundary is "Don't you dare lie to me" (which is is). What if he does lie, but he corrects himself? Do I still implement the consequence? Or is it just if he lies and I find out later? I'm also having trouble coming up with consequences as a couple who lives apart from each other. I can't really kick him out or tell him to sleep on the couch. So I don't really know what to do.

Thank you all again. I am so happy to have this resource and I look forward to talking with you guys more.

Rooni

 

@GhostWriter and @hope4healing I'm actually thinking about what constitutes a lie right this moment. I just got off the phone with my SO and he was telling me about his day, including some details about setting up software on his devices. He was speaking quickly and I could tell he was feeling that familiar fear/pressure to please. So after he finished talking I calmly asked about a couple of small details I thought he may have made up ("I put it on the iPad too", "I asked my brother about his computer"). And he immediately owned up to them. I thanked him for being honest and we talked a little about slowing down when he's talking and being more deliberate with his speech.

So. He lied. And it gave me that familiar "punch in the gut" feeling that all of his lies do. Do you think I handled this correctly? I'm upset that after all his talk about how motivated he is to change, he'd lie about such relatively trivial things.

 

I see your point. I thought about this all day, and I think I'm okay with the setup as is. First, because his AP is actually a mentor of his that used to be his teacher, is active in the church, and is considerably older. To me, it seems like those things set him apart from just one of his buddies that he plays videogames with. And second, I HAVE to get a handle on my anxiety before I can think about taking on that kind of task. As much as I would love to hold the reigns (and I do intend to be involved in the process), I think it would negatively impact me a little too much right now.

 

You're right, it's SO frustrating! I want so badly for him to get it through his head that every tiny little lie and half-truth further erodes my trust in him. It also makes me feel like I'm somehow doing something wrong. Am I not a safe place for him to turn to? Why can't he feel safe telling me the truth? He always claims that I'm "so easy to talk to" and that he's told me more about himself than anyone else. Well buddy, if that's true then why are you lying as often as you're breathing?

Not to mention, every time this happens and he fesses up, I feel myself slipping down a rabbit hole of trying to dig out every last little morsel of truth. So it can quickly turn a perfectly pleasant conversation into an interrogation. Tonight I managed to stop myself, but I still have this nagging feeling that I want to ask more, know more...