How do I trust him again?

Hi all,

I'm so thankful to have found this community. I'm crying as I write this, I'm just so upset. Today I had one of the most difficult conversations of my life with my boyfriend of just over a year.

We met at orientation for our grad school program, hit it off immediately, and got together about six months later. I was in another one of a series of nightmare relationships when we met, and it took a while to untangle myself.

Fast-forward, we were dating for about seven months when we had our first conversation about P. I was expecting him to say he watched it occasionally, so it was a surprise to hear him say that he doesn't think P has a place in a monogamous relationship and that he had stopped watching it a few months prior. I counted my lucky stars and promptly stopped watching the P I viewed on occasion, recognizing how harmful it indeed was. He has a problem with lying about things when he feels like he might disappoint or upset me, so at the time I was suspicious. But when I pressed the issue he swore up and down that it was no longer a problem. We had really good, (seemingly) open conversations about it since then and he always acted like it was fine.

So, about two weeks ago, he's been really practicing open honesty with me and he shares more about his struggles with P. He lets slip that he did not quit cold turkey and in fact had several relapses after our initial conversation. I was incredibly hurt, tried to be supportive, but couldn't keep it together. I come from a family of drug addicts and I am a therapist at an addiction facility. Needless to say, lies are a big one for me.

Today after therapy I told him that, going forward, I'm trusting my gut. If I have a doubt, I will ask him to think about what he said and give him a chance to correct himself. But I CANNOT keep finding stuff out after the fact. He agreed, and I told him if there is anything else he needs to share, now is his chance. Finally he told me he's been having urges as recently as last week. He had been viewing still images instead of videos, making excuses to himself, etc., all while knowing he didn't want to live that way anymore. Last viewing was 3 weeks ago (he says) but just P, no M or O supposedly. Then as recently as a week ago, he went as far as typing a search in his phone but deleted it before actually searching.

For me, if the worst thing that happened was that I dated an occasional P user, I could live with that. But I cannot tolerate the lies, and he himself said that viewing P leads to a binge, which is NOT healthy whatsoever.

He is extremely upset as well. He wants to look into computer accoubtability software, see his therapist more often, and join groups/work a program. After I left he called a friend/mentor of his and told him everything, then told his brother. As for me, I told him I need time but that I'm not gone yet. I know first-hand that people can change, but my own baggage is weighing me down here because I told myself I'd never end up with an addict.

My main concerns right now:

1. How on Earth do I trust anything he says? I realize he demonstrated honesty by saying all this, but good Lord did I have to pull it out of him. I've been told several times "there's nothing more, I've told you everything" only to find out more. At this point, I do not believe what he told me today. I believe he's been using more/more recently than he said. It's driving me nuts because I just don't buy it. Not to mention, I have no clear idea of what his actual habits/frequency actually looked like because his story has changed. He said at the peak he'd PMO nearly every day, but it has lessened considerably and now it's apparently pictures here and there. But who knows. I keep saying I can't move forward until I know the full extent of the problem, but how do I know when he's told it all?

2. He is 25 and still lives at home with his family. I am 27, I've lived independently since I was 19. I never pressured him to move out because he is Hispanic and I know it's for the most part a cultural thing. But now I know it goes deeper. Home is his safety blanket, it enables old and lazy behavior, and it keeps him too comfortable for real change.

3. Related to #2, he is surrounded by environmental triggers. He works hard (as do I) and his way of relaxing is sitting at the computer, mindlessly clicking YouTube videos. Or sitting around playing video games with his phone there, ready for him to search P as soon as his attention wanders. I pointed out to him how unhealthy that was today and I think he finally sees it. But I don't live with him so I can't know for sure what he's doing. I need him to commit to some new habits right away.

4. Should I stick it out for a while since he's clearly trying, or see a red flag for what it is and save myself?

I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you to anyone who reads this, I need help so badly right now.

Rooni

 

Can a mod please move this to the S.O. forum? I thought that's where I was posting it.