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How do I start...?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by SorryWontSayIt, Oct 31, 2018.

  1. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    Maybe this will be a really stupid question for some of you out there.

    (Also, I am not here to have a discussion regarding if the rigth thing to have sex with someone I meet at the party. I will not normally do so, but if I find someone special, I would like to know how - if it happens. Want to be ready before it may happen).

    Some people may be against having sex during the nofap progress, but I am okey with having sex as long there is a connection between the two of us.

    Hope I don't sound like a douche. But I know I am an attractive person, and I have many girls that have hit on me because of my looks. The only problem is, is that I lack some experience on what to do on the next step.

    The problem is:
    -How do I bring her home to me/or join her home. For example if we are on a date, or if we meet at a party and really hit it off?
    -How to I take action to actually go trough with having sex? Not just kissing.
    Really afraid that I do something the person does not want.

    For example: There was one time I was home with a girl, we had been dating. It was a bit too early for me personally to have sex. But if I felt like it was time for it, how would I go trough with it? If both was ready, but both was too "afraid" to take action.

    For some people it seems so easy. And I understand it may be once you have figured it out it may be. But for someone who don't have experience I have zero clue.

    Been on several dates where I know we hit it off, but I don't really know how to go trough with it after the kissing part.

    Would love some tips and how you people go trough with it.

    Thanks.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2018
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You won't know until you try and they react. Your fear of uncertainty and your need for guarantees before taking action is the reason why nothing is progressing.

    It becomes easy when you don't feel guilty, afraid, or ashamed of your desires. When you're comfortable with rejection or making mistakes. When you take action even if you don't feel ready and you don't know what's going to happen.

    You're basically getting in your own way. You fear the possibility of a negative experience so you don't take action which also gets rid of any possibilities for a positive experience.

    You have to take a risk. The underlying message in your confusion and question here is "how do I get results without taking a risk? Without any possibilities of pain, problems, negative experiences, rejection, and failure?" You can't. There's no guarantees in reality.

    Being attractive and having girls hit on you has probably crippled you mentally over the years because you feel like you don't have to try and you don't have to take risks.

    You're over thinking. You're being excessively careful and overly cautious. You're too concerned with doing the perfect thing to get a perfect outcome (which doesn't exist in reality). You're being way too logical about this.

    You bring her home by inviting her to your home. It's so simple, but you're looking for something way more difficult and advanced because you can't accept the reality that things might not work out and that she might not be interested in you... so you don't do it out of fear of discomfort. If you want to go to her place, then tell her you want to go to her place. She'll either allow it or she won't, but you're not giving her that chance to decide because you fear her reaction.

    As for actually proceeding with sex... once again, you're over thinking it. If you stop feeling guilty and ashamed of what you want, then you would naturally proceed in that direction. What's more fun than talking? Maybe holding her? After that? Maybe you want to kiss her? After that? Explore her body with your hands. Beyond that? Take off her clothes. At any point in time she has the right to stop you because it's no longer fun for her to keep progressing in that direction. You can't control what she wants, but you can go for what you want. You're so afraid of offending her or whether or not she's ready or treating her extra special or whatever. You're not placing value or importance on yourself and what you want. Go for what you want. That's your business. Other people will either want to join you on that path or they won't. That's their business.

    You're basically playing to not lose rather than playing to win. You prefer nothing happening because it's comfortable and certain rather than being rejected or accepted.

    Anything else you don't know how to do you'll figure out through experience, but you'll never figure things out if you're avoiding those experiences. Both positive and negative experiences are necessary, but you avoid the negative and thus avoiding the positive. So you stay inexperienced, incompetent, and insecure.
     
    SorryWontSayIt likes this.
  3. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    Once again you come with such great advice!

    Thank you so much!
    Have always wondered if it is best to just start talking about sex, if we for example are kissing.

    Or if I should just kiss and see where it leads me.
    I guess I will just try and see it from the situation
    I will try taking more risks from now on :,)
     
  4. rgm

    rgm Fapstronaut

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    One of the ways to do this is to escalate what she's doing.
    Basically if she starts touching you, you look her in the eyes.
    Most girls will look at your lips and back at your eyes in a subtle way.
    if she does this she wants to kiss.
    After kissing for a bit if you notice she's into it you can touch her some more.
    Places like inside of wrist, back of the neck, neck are all sensitive and a way to get her more into it.
    Then you can move to kissing these spots and moving your hands towards for example inner thighs.
    You can put a hand under her shirt on her back too and hold her firmly.
    If you proceed kissing her/these spots and touching them you'll have her jumping you/begging you for it quite quickly.
    The trick is to tease her into it and slowly move to the more intimate things.
    You cant get ahead of yourself and just put your hands on her breasts or in her pants.
    You touch and kiss her in ways that makes her want more and you slowly give her more.
    This way you won't just know in which order you should do things (slowly building from least to most intimate)
    but she'll probably be way more into it too since you're not like most guys who proceed too quickly.
    Girls don't necessarily care about the penetration itself, but if you move slowly and properly you can make them crave it.
    The more they crave it, the better it will be.
     
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  5. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for a good guide! :)

    Yeah, from what I have experienced and understood girls/women like to take it slower then most men do. I am fine with that and really understands it - I also feel it is nice to go one step at a time like as you describe to make a better connection between the two.

    Again thanks for the tips. I have always had no problem with kissing, but after that I have normally become a bit stuck. But will try as you tell the next time, and see where it goes. If it goes too far for her it is okey, if no - good for us both most likely :)

    Now I just have to learn how to make such situations where things like this can happen. It may sound like I am only after sex - which I am not, but I bring up this question because I lack experience most in this area, which have made me very nervous in previous relationships.
     
  6. rgm

    rgm Fapstronaut

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    No problem. The thing with doing this is that you'll easily notice when a girl isn't comfortable with the next step.
    So all you got to do is go back to last step where she was comfortable and keep it there.

    Personally what works for me is to just talk to them in a regular way,
    then wish them a good evening and move on to friends/other people. (better even: talk to her and her group of friends, toast, be friendly and then leave)
    This already sets you apart from everyone else because you don't come across as a hungry dog who wants to pick them up.
    Then they will either come up to you later in the evening or when you see them at a later moment you can chat.
    That way they don't think you have an ulterior motive (sex/girlfriend etc), you're not seen as desperate but as a friendly social guy.
    The trick is to not treat a girl like she's special or put her on a pedestal. You have to build attraction.
    Oh and let her do the talking about "what are we" and let her do things like grabbing your hand/initiate physical contact.
    Girls fall in love way slower than guys. Some guys can be in love in an instant but almost every girl takes like a month+ to be truly in love.
     
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  7. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    Wow, thanks again for great tips!

    Yeah, specially from one past girl I dated I really understood that I got feelings a lot faster then her. She got feelings too, but I guess I was far more ready then her far earlier for something serious.

    Great advice to let them get to know them a little bit, then pull a bit back to set myself apart form everyone else. Thats actually something I have done. But sometimes I have been over-doing it one way or an other. Sometimes I pull a bit far back, and sometimes I don't pull far back enough. Specially the last girl I dated I learned this. At first I was pretty normal, then I gave too much attention, but as soon as I pulled back more, she came back - and everything was back to normal again.

    Lot to learn still, but learned a lot too from the past relationships, specially now that I can look back at them when I don't feel any rush about it and getting great tips like this! :)

    Just started to get to know a girl from my school, hopefully it will go the rigth way this time. The past relationships have not lasted too long because of different reasons. Sometimes it was not even my fault, but sometimes it was a combination of a lot, both me and them. But during the last "relationship" I was so unsure about so many things. Sometimes I was afraid I gave too much or too little attention to her. But in the end I always tell myself that if she does not like the amount of attention I give, shes not the rigth person for me. I am who I am, and either she likes it or she don't. It may sound ignorant and I am open to improve myself, but people are who they are.

    I guess patience is important when I want something serious as I do.
     

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