How do I not want sex?

Bacon21 · May 7, 2017

So here I go again, day 3 of no PMO is almost up. Agreed with my girl to do hard mode for 30 days. But it is really really hard. When I look at her, I want to do sexual things with her. The whole point of nofap for me is to perform with her again and relieve myself of the obsession and compulsion of porn. But when I see her in a pair of shorts I like or not wearing anything, I just want to touch touch touch. How do I get through these 30 days, looking at the girl I love and am highly attracted to, wanting to be with her, wanting her to relieve my sexual needs, and stay on course?

Ddoc13 · May 8, 2017

Hey man! First of all congrats for taking that decision! It's not an easy one to take.

I know how hard it is to control the urges that come from abstinence, especially when you are in a relationship and your SO turns you on so much.

For me I know that hard mode won't work, because in the first place I wanted to get rid of PM in order to reconnect with my girl.

What I'd suggest for you is to try to focus more on her and less on yourself. What I mean is to try not to objectify her in your thoughts, not to relate past PM experiences to what you'd like to do with your girl. Try to focus on what she wants to do, to give her pleasure without thinking of getting back sexual relief. It's easier said then done, I know, but give it a try. Try to focus on how much you love her instead of how much you want to have sex with her.

And then, if it is alright for you, you may want to let go the hard mode at some point. But if you do so, do it when you both want to make love. Without forcing her, without suggesting her how much you want to have sex right now. Let her show you that she is in the mood. And go gently, intimately. Do it as you feel it, not as you have seen it in a P scene, not as you have fantasized about it. It is what worked for me.

Be strong!

Bacon21 · May 8, 2017

Yeah. Stop focusing on what I want and start focusing on what others need. This has been something lectured to me in my 12 step fellowship for years now and it's the truth. And I'll share this, I remember months back she said I came onto her too much. So we made a deal. For an entire month, I would no longer engage sex. She would. And that was a very happy month I must say! We would only have sex when SHE wanted to. It was no longer about me. And I very much enjoyed it. I remember telling her "You know what, we may just hold onto this deal forever going forward after this 30 days is up". Well I didn't, my obsessive/compulsive behavior got the best of me and it was back down the obsessive compulsive spiral which I've been on. I talked to a couple friends in my 12 step fellowship about this new found addiction that I have (only a couple people who understand, it was the first thing I've ever kept in confidence in an already anonymous program). The number one suggestion made to me was "Do the steps again, but this time, do a 4th-12 on your porn addiction on top of your alcoholism and see where that takes you". So I'm now embarking on that. The long grueling notebook full of paperwork that I did once already is being done again on this issue. It worked for heroin. Why can't it work for porn? It's just a great big struggle cuz I wanna get off. But the way it's distorted my way of thinking is off the chain. Like my sponsor said "Well obviously, porn isn't working for you, which is why now you're reaching out for help with it, so now you have to find what works for you again". Here we go

QCA · May 8, 2017

So if I have all the facts straight...beautiful woman that you are going to spending a significant amount of time with but you are looking to eliminate a month of sex and to make thirty day periods of abstinence seem not unusual?

The solution is self evident: get married.

In all seriousness this isnt easy. Probably best to work hard on something else so that your mind can focus on something you are doing rather than on something you are not.

Runtilmylegsdropoff · May 8, 2017

That is what porn does to your brain. You get rewired to desire more and more pixels of porn images instead of real life women. It's the biggest scam ever.

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How do I not want sex?

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