How do I know for sure he's addicted?

I'll let the SOs fill you in on technical details, I cannot remember who (@Kenzi, @AnonymousAnnaXOXO, @Torn, @SpouseofPA, @EyesWideOpen, @ILoathePwife, @Jennica, @GG2002, ...) but one of the SOs here is a dab hand at tracking and is happy to share in a private conversation (so that their hubby doesn't learn all the tricks!) Sorry I cannot remember who it was.

But he does sound like an addict. The way for him to find out is to stop using pornography, then he will see if he can easily stop or if it is a real struggle. There are a million and one reasons why we should (and did) give up porn but for many of the married men here (myself included) the catalyst was an ultimatum from our wife. My wife did not threaten to leave me out of anger but out of resigned self-preservation. My porn use had eaten away at her self-esteem to the extent that she knew it needed to stop, or she would have to leave. The look of fear on her face when she told me, fear that I would chose pornography over her, totally devastated me. And so I started the long journey of trying to give up pornography. That was back in 2010 and I very quickly realised that I was addicted.

Maybe you are not ready to deliver an ultimatum. Maybe you are frightened that you would lose him. But something needs to shake him out of his complacent abuse of your relationship.

Good luck, and remember none of this is your fault. There's a giant evil industry turning men into porn addicts, it is not your failing.

 

I think he's a PA. The fact that he spends a lot of time in bed too during the day suggests a kind of depression, even if he is watching Netflix (I doubt that).

I don't think you need to "find out" or to "be sure". I think it's obvious, and you know. Turning this into a detective thing about "proof" is a distraction. I think he needs to change for you to be happy. I think you need to talk to him and tell him you need him to be a better, more active man, and that you need him to give up porn and instead have sex with you.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It does sound like he is a PA and even if he isn't his behavior doesn't sound healthy for him or you. All you can do is talk to him, you can not force him to change if he doesn't want to. So even though I know it is very hard you need to ask yourself if you could live with the relationship the way it is for the rest of your life? Would you be happy like this? It took me 15 years to get up the courage to say enough, I can't do this. And now I see real change in my BF, positive change. I gave chance after chance, like you I wanted proof. I didn't want to accuse him of something without it. Even though we've had good times in those years it has really worn on me, depression and anxiety wearing me down. And although things are starting to go well now, and we are working through this crap there are times that I wish I'd have had the strength to leave years ago. It is all very confusing and painful. Know that if you do stay and fight it is a long hard road. Harder if he isn't serious about recovery. I'd probably start by going over and reading on yourbrainonporn.com and having him read that site too. They also have a book. Get him to join this site too if you can. He has to want to stop for himself for this to work.

 

@Togetheralone I am saddened to hear that. Of course I think he is making a mistake, clinging to what he claims is intermittent porn use in preference to putting in the work to fix his real life relationship speaks volumes. Good luck, you (we all) deserve better.

 

I am so sorry to hear that he ended things and I know this hurts a lot right now. But you will go out there and find a man who does not have these issues, and staying with this man in the long run would have done nothing but cause yu pain. I do think he is an addict, but the larger problem, even if he is not an addict is that he does not care for your feelings, and totally disregards them. You had expressed that something hurts you, and he won’t even give the issue the time of day. This is not a person you want to be with, addict or not. And then he gaslights you by trying to make you feel that all men watch porn and PMO, so it’s normal, and you are the one that is wrong here. That’s not true. I would have said, do all men turn th Erin partners down for sex and watch porn? Are all men horrible in bed because they watch porn? The reason he ended your relationship is not because you accused him of being a porn addict, he ended the relationship because he is a porn addict and does not want to stop.

 

I'm sorry about that news. This must be a horrible time.

I suppose it's possible he'll get back in contact and promise to change. I've no advice for you on that, but wish you strength if it happens to achieve whatever you want to.

If not, once your feelings allow you to you'll be free to look for a relationship with a non-PA.

 

Relief is exactly what I felt when I ended things with my ex addict. Like a weight had been lifted off my body. I did not realize how much his addiction had been effecting mr.