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Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Moogie, Mar 16, 2016.
You're making some pretty vast assumptions/ generalisations about women here mate.
You can only be used by anyone if you let them use you. You will only let them use you when you make yourself emotionally dependent on them.
I used to think this way. I was the nice guy and my brothers were mischievous. I was the virgin. They were the jocks. Their prey would complain to me how they were being mistreated. The women said that I was so nice and went back to my brothers for more sex and abuse.
Well today, my brothers are struggling. I have a family and career.
The Leo Durocher saying that nice guys finish last is simply not true.
How did you 'stop' being a nice guy?
Why would you change yourself to get sex? What results will you achieve? Will you be satisfied with sex you get? Are you comfortable with being a nice guy? If you are comfortable, are you aware of what you are doing to yourself wanting to change just to get sex?
Being nice is not a problem. Being nice in order to be accepted, "loved" and to achieve social approval of women is, indeed, a problem. If you think women "owe" you something just because you are nice to them, you have to change your mindset.
I would suggest you to set some goals in your life and to struggle to achieve them, mainly if these goals are directly related to your self development.
Take a look at the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy!", by Robert Glover. I think it will help you a lot.
by changing the words you use font identify with a nice guy
Can you define what the difference is between being a "nice" or "bad" guy? I've never been in a relationship, so could be naive about such issues, but I know that I've been the "nice" guy before and a lot of friends as well. Almost every time, it comes down to "bad" guys being more assertive and being a jerk. However, being assertive does not mean you must be a jerk. The "nice" guys I've seen in my life are usually (not always) people who do not value themselves, are self-conscious, anxious, etc. -- all of which has nothing to do with being compassionate, kind, and understanding. They try to perform acts of kindness in an attempt to receive affirmation of their value from others. These are also the kind of people who become passive-aggressive and usually do not voice if something is wrong in a relationship. This can promote very unhealthy relationships IMHO, which cannot be fully genuine. What they see in the "not so nice" guys is assertiveness and possibly strength - unfortunately, it gets wrapped up in them also being immensely disrespected. One can be assertive, protective, provide strong leadership and still be compassionate.
FWIW I also believe that a lot of women who go for the douchebags and jerks don't know what it's like to be respected, how valuable they are, or how treasured they should be as a gift and equal companion to men. They may need a lot of emotional healing, etc. to even realize how much inherent value they have. Being kind and compassionate without expecting reciprocation or validation of your kindness can be a mark of strength in and of itself.
I think being a nice guy is a pushover. I can only say this because I've been a nice guy my whole life. Sometimes nice guys can be passive aggressive. If anything doesn't go their way, like being rejected on date, they take it very negatively. In a way, it's a sign of insecurity, which is something I'm trying really hard to change. Ever since I started focusing on me (getting my degree, saving up for a car, looking for a full time job, etc.) Things got a little easier and I developed more confidence in myself. I still don't know why most women like jerks, although for the guys, it's an ego issue. Sometimes women just want a challenge or some kind of adventure (those are just my opinions). All in all, I think it's good to not be a nice guy or a jerk, but a gentlemen.
Are you sure this isn't just a myth created by jealous guys? I haven't seen a couple consisting of a nice/beautiful/caring/whatever woman and an obvious jerk in ages.
Like I said, these are just my opinions. I've known quite a few females, whom I've been friends with, that have had terrible relationships with guys who treat them like crap. It's not because of the women themselves or the fact that they're doing anything wrong, they just can't seem to get out of a bad relationship. For example, one friend got pregnant (involuntary) twice by 2 different guys, both of whom who treated her unfairly. Another had an abusive relationship with her husband. As you can see, these situations do happen. Even though I no longer keep in touch with these gals, I knew that they were all kind and caring women.
All in all, it sometimes takes strength and courage for these women to make drastic changes for themselves and for the sake of other people, especially those who have children. I'm not saying that all women like jerks; I've just seen too many poor souls who deserve to have a better man in their lives...
You don't. Nice men get the best girls.. Look at it this way, just being nice isn't going to get you ahead, that's just one small facet of being a well rounded individual. You have to cultivate all other aspects of yourself, such as masculinity (your hobbies, interests, political participation, physicality, and general assertiveness) as well as the gentle niceties ( humbleness, appreciative, kind, patient, respectful). Once you show the world you are truly striving to say hell no I am more than just this (nice guy) person and cultivating your worth, then and only then will it begin rewarding your ambitions.
If it ain't too late, I'd agree with you. It's not a common theme in older women. I think a woman who is with a jerk is someone insecure about their own worth. They are essentially the nice guy.
They can't leave because they don't know how to, they don't understand the power to feel good lies only in themselves.
Man, your problem is not that you're a nice guy, its that you're JUST A NICE GUY. You must have other qualities to attract women as well, be assertive, dominant, confident, make the first move, show her that you can take the lead, be funny and if you're nice to her its even better. There's nothing wrong about being kind to women, in fact you should be kind to everyone. I'm a so called "nice guy", but my gf loves me for it.
Very well said
When people say women don't like nice guys, what they mean is women don't like pushovers who think buying them a ton of shit, holding the door open for them, and trying to do everything for them automatically guarantees you the ticket into a relationship or their pants. The point is you should be nice to everyone, not just women you're attracted to - and so niceness alone isn't going to impress a women. If it did, women would be sleeping with most of the guys they know - because guess what, most people, are actually pretty nice.
People inherently spend a lot of their time bored - what almost everyone wants out of a relationship is fun. For some of us that's sex, for others it's the company and adventures you go on together, for most of us it's a whole host of different factors including both of the above. Think about it, just out of the women you know, there must be at least one time when you've become attracted to one simply because of how fun she was to be around - that's what you need to focus on, be fun, enjoy yourself. If you're someone who's always having fun and sharing that fun with everyone around - then who wouldn't want to spend time with you?
Second you have to be grounded as an individual. If your intentions are unclear, or you're not really going anywhere in your life, or you're just hoping for a relationship to magically fall into your lap and be perfect from the get go - that doesn't impress anyone, guy or girl. It's attractive when someone is fully unafraid to be themselves, even when it means being a little silly sometimes, and when someone knows what they want out of life and is willing to take the action to make it happen.
If you're grounded in your identity and fun to be around, women will find you attractive. Perhaps not all of them, but plenty.
I like this. Thumbs up.
It is not about nice guys and bad boys. It is about being strong. You can be a nice guy but you must be strong. All that stressing nowadays of the importance of being an alpha male is absolute crap. All that knowledge out there in regards to mating and attraction especially from the PUA community is doing more harm than good. You can't fake strong. You have to genuinely have it and the ability to project it with confidence without being a douchebag. Good thing is that you can develop it and create a win-win situation with the girl/woman you are interested in. Please check out the book Mate by Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller. I really wish I had this book much earlier because I wouldn't be in this situation I am in now.
Two words: Boundaries and non-neediness
These are two things "nice" guys lack. They let a women walk all over them and they never reinforce boundaries if a woman does something that displeases them.
Lastly, have ambition. Which means doing something so important to you that if a girl doesn't text you back you don't even notice it. This always makes sure you never invest more into a woman than what she invests in you. The invest is ALWAYS equal. Ideally you want to invest less, but never MORE. What has she done to earn your investment? Do you have any self respect?
If you are going to be "nice", be that without expecting an outcome. Again, that is non-neediness.
This reminds me of the early Star Wars debate. Who should Princess Leia date, Han Solo or Luke Skywalker? Luke was the nice guy and Han was the bad boy.
Of course the debate came to a sudden crash when we found out that Luke and Leia were siblings.
Remeber in the Empire Strikes Back...
Luke gets the first kiss on Hoth. But Leia tells Han she loves him in Cloud City, just before he is frozen by Darth Vader.
Both Luke and Han were heroic in their own ways. Luke was never a pushover. Han had to tone his bad boy image down before he ended up with Leia.