How Can People Tell I Am Still A Virgin? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What Xavier brings up is definitely interesting from an academic standpoint, and in some cases I suppose it could be helpful to do this kind of unearthing of the past, but, with all due respect, I would imagine that for most of us what Xavier's suggesting would in effect be an over-complication of a pretty simple matter. We all have traumas and defense mechanisms: it's part of being human. We all have fucked up shit in our sex lives: that's part of being human too. None of which is to minimize actual sex crimes, but here I'm speaking to those of us who weren't raped or molested or incested. I suspect that you don't have layers of self deception you need to uncover, Laffio, and, if you do, I doubt that doing so would help you in any meaningful way. Just start interacting with girls (if that's what you want) and it'll get easier and less terrifying. The more you read into it, the more you'll stay stuck where you are. For myself, I've found the solution to my problems nearly always lies in action. It almost never lies in self-knowledge or self-discovery. Turning over my problems in my mind doesn't get me any closer to solving them. Acting on them does.

 

Wait! Hold up! I have your answer friend. But may I say your virginity is quite important lost it to someone important. Nobody will notice unless you show signs of being a virgin most virgins as I used to be made mistakes. Its not about losing it I'm more impressef if you keep it man.

 

This is exactly the problem that I face. Having a hard time just going for it because I want to rather than because someone else. This is a function of having your will to explore and be curious crushed by those in power over you as a young child. In the book I recommended there is apparently a section for healing these issues we face.

Do you often have a hard time knowing what you want in life? Like choosing a career or other big questions.

 

What is an over-complication? Reading a book that explains the "why's" and then getting through the section that is the "healing" is complicated? Its called self-help/self-knowledge. Forgive me but I'm feeling a little annoyed.

The traumas and defense mechanisms that exist because of child abuse are not "part of being human." They are part of having your life violated through violence. Sure, the vast majority of parents abuse their kids in one way or another. Does that make it innately human to use coercion against a small helpless child which is completely dependent on you for food, water, clothes, and medical care? If that is innately human, humanity is completely evil.

Action definitely helps, but if you don't learn about the root causes, your problems will find a way to replicate in your children because you failed to deal with the underlying issues. Look at the black community. 150 years after slavery and there is still a lot of violence and crime that goes on. They have a massive amount of sexual abuse and how many of them are out there advocating peaceful parenting and therapy? I can point to examples in my very own family that replicated themselves through the generations involving sexual abuse, beatings, neglect, and humiliation.

Dear god if you come out of this and just end up recreating this for your kids did you really fundamentally learn anything at all?

I will certainly give you credit for saying it requires action. It takes a lot of very uncomfortable action to fix this stuff.

 

Please don't poste psychological answers if you aren't a psyciater keep in mind that nofap isn't a doctor forum if you have issues see a medical advisor doctor, psyciater don't assume what other people say on the internet is true about you .

 

Just wondering what is wrong with beeing a virgin ? maybe you want to have sex with a person you love and you are not ready for it in you're current stage of life wich is fine. its you're body you decide when to give it away and with wich person.

You care to much what other people thinx of you that is the problem not that you are a virgin.

If i was you i would say yes i am a virgin but i don't want to start dating i just need to get my life together. that would create a different reaction from people most people would laugh but some would accept it..

And about can people tell? Well they can see if you are happy and are confident if you aren't and are insecure when you are talking about relationships, sex then they will notice you're emotions and behavior and notice you aren't happy in you're life because you aren't dating. (doesn't mean they thinx you are a virgin) but they notice you are NEEDY want a woman..

 

Recommending a book is different than being a mechanic and performing open heart surgery. A book is ideas, research, opinions, and experience. It is completely harmless and can lead to growth.

Most of what I posted is pretty widely accepted in the realm of psychology and I try to keep my information within the realm of factual reality - i.e. it has research behind it.

I am not telling you what to do, but I will put this into perspective by contrasting our posts to the OP:

1. I did not once tell him what was true or false about his experience in my posts. I am pretty sure I was clear that I don't know everything by saying "maybe" or "it is a possibility."
2. You, after telling me not to "psychologize" people if I am not a doctor, rejected his experience here...
3. and told him things based on "If I was you I would..." which has no research basis.

I am not trying to condemn you or "catch you," but really?? Are you being serious? You did just what you told me not to do.

I recommended a fucking professional, dude.

You can look up any statistic on sexual abuse that I threw out here and most other things and find it buried in a research study somewhere.

Anyway, thats about it. By the way Laffio, I got to the "fixing" part of the book and it is powerful. In regard to controlling your neediness it is written in this book (I think this guy is a Phd in psychology and has counselled at least a thousand people) that control is a part of this problem of not being able to make connections. You absolutely are valid for needing. We all needed love and attention at one point, and some of us like you and I very likely did not get enough of it, basing that theory on our emotional reactions to intimacy.

Maybe an analogy could be this: If rigid structure such as a glass vase meets water, does the water that is poured into it have a connection with the vase? I think it has to conform to the vase. So when two people meet and one is rigid and self-controlling in regards to emotion, and the other forms around or into the controlling personality or habits by submitting their emotions to the rigid personality, is it a genuine connection?

 

Not trying to start a fight, man. And I'm not interested in getting into philosophical/psychological/historical debates or debates on developmental psychology. Laffio will make his own choices and have his own experience. I'm glad this book's helped you. Books haven't helped me in this area. Experience has helped me.

 

Hey, listen, Xavier. I'm in the wrong here. I formulated my response in such a way that it was an argument. And you responded accordingly. That wasn't helpful on my end. Your story differs from mine, and that's OK. So I sincerely extend my apologies, and hopefully we can get back to building each other up. We're in this together.

 

My apologies to you as well, Laffio. I started shit, and I shouldn't have. That's not the point of what we're doing here. That's not why we're here. We're all on these forums 'cause we have a problem and we're looking for support and solution. I was in the wrong.

Anyway, sounds like you're on a great fucking trajectory, my friend. Stay positive, keep trying things out, and there are gonna be some very happy, very lucky women out there who cross your path.

 

Hey man, we are here to learn, and making arguments is a great way to learn. Your point of action is definitely the most important point here, one that I struggle with because my "false self" defenses include analyzing shit to the next level (mostly outside of the books though). Yesterday I finally took some action which came out of that book I recommended and it was tough for me to do, but it felt great. I just try to merge evidence with my actions and I appreciate the stuff you brought up.

 

You had tell them about yourself. Because it's not easy to say about someone private.

 

It's a matter of being self assured.

Whether someone thinks you're a virgin or you're not.

Whether you are a virgin or you're not.

You would only react negatively towards other people's opinions if you felt some sort of shame about yourself.

It's not so much about the facts. It's mostly about how other people can get a reaction out of you.

You'll get teased if you're easy to bother. If you're easy to be embarrassed / shy / blush / serious / angry about something.

It's basically a big deal to others because you're making a big deal about it.

 

It's funny how for the last however many years all we've heard about is how we shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed of sex. The flipside of that is that now we have people who actually feel guilty/ashamed about not having sex. Because when you're worried about whether or not people think you're a virgin, what's actually happening is that you're feeling guilty/ashamed about it. Either way, this kind of guilt/shame is not good, and must be overcome