Hoping for a new start

Just going to vent a little. I'm a 38 year old man, working on his 2nd marriage. The first one ended for religious reasons believe it or not (that's what happens when you leave a cult). My wife and I have been together now for 4 years. 2 of those years we've been married. One year we dated and one year we lived together prior to marriage.

Our first year together was wonderful. I was romantic and vibrant. She was too. We had fun! We lived life to the fullest. I have two kids from a previous marriage as does she. We blended our family together and slowly but surely things started to take a turn for the worse. Over time I found her to be controlling and irritable towards my kids...all the while she told me she didn't feel loved.

I didn't understand her. I always opened the car door for her. I cooked her dinner. I made her coffee in the morning and brought it to her. I loved her! I took care of her.

But she felt disconnected from me. Emotionally. Some days she would come home from work and be angry at everyone...lashing out and then denying it. We had a few fights in our last year together that escalated to the point of her throwing and breaking stuff.

During this time period I began drinking more and more. Without a doubt, part of the reason was because it was an escape. But my wife's ex-husband was an addict. So rather than let her see me drink, I would sneak away to do it. She caught me sneak-drinking which really worried her. Understandably. Hindsight being 20/20 I had let my drinking get out of control AND I was hiding it.

But more than that...I was addicted to porn. I didn't know it. I didn't even look at it every day. It wasn't until she told me that she searched through my history that it started to dawn on me. And still not even then. I was in denial at first. Sure I looked at porn...but what guy hasn't? The reality was that I was hooked. After a while, naked pictures weren't enough. One genre lead to the next and the next until I began viewing depravity. What's weird is that it didn't even really excite me from a sexual standpoint. It was like watching the Saw movies...wondering what else could happen. I watched for shock value...but still unaware that I was hooked.

All the while, it desensitized me. It hurt my bedroom expectations. It hurt my romanticism. It hurt my relationship with my wife. This caused her to withdraw from me...not knowing what was wrong...which in turn cause me to withdraw from her...wondering why she was being so distant.

Over time my wife and I drifted apart. Because I wasn't loving her the way she needed and because she could sense a change in me...her hurt gave way to paranoia. Over and over again she would not just accuse me of cheating on her...but she would literally convince herself of specific times and places that it happened. All were false...but try telling that to someone who is paranoid/disillusioned/angry/hurt.

One day, during a fight, she threw a coffee cup at me. It was the first time she had ever thrown something AT me before. I flipped a switch. Still in denial about my porn addiction and how much it may have affected our relationship...I cast all blame on her. I closed her off. I shut down emotionally. I wrote her a very truthful, but mean spirited letter explaining that I was tired of being manipulated and controlled by her.

She decided to move out. We treated one another like shit for the next 5 days. Finally one night I had a breakthrough. I realized finally (after a LOT of self assessment) that I DID have a porn addiction.

It was a rather weird addiction though. When I think of addiction, I think of the heroine user who NEEDS to have a next high and needs it NOW. That's not how this works. I could go days or even weeks without looking. But when I did...it always seems to lead to more and more taboo genres. When I thought about this...and when I thought about her telling me that her "love cup" was empty...I realized that I had let porn come between us. I had let porn destroy the bond I had fought so hard to forge with her.

I asked her to come over and I finally admitted what I had discovered about myself. I broke down in tears. I sobbed and told her I was sorry.

Now for some good news - It was the first time we had really talked about it. It was the first time I was able to discuss it honestly. She was honest with me too. She told me that she realizes in herself that she is controlling and manipulative and that she has anger issues she needs to work on too. We both recognized how broken we are and that we need to seriously take time to work on ourselves. We can't mend a broken marriage with two broken pieces. We agreed that she would move out...but we would still be a family....kind of sort of. The kids will all still see one another. Her and I will still see one another too. Dinner. A walk. A movie. Slowly we'll start to date again...all while taking the time we need separately to work on making ourselves better individually. We talked at length. Appreciative of one another's love and humility. We eventually fell asleep holding one another. We had found our silver lining and were dead set on working to achieve our goal.

Now for some bad news - That was yesterday. Today I had to fly to Connecticut for business. I won't be home until Saturday. As I feared, today she is coming across to me as a totally different person. She told me she was having a bad day emotionally and it would be best if we didn't talk. We texted back and forth...but she was so negative...and in blame/attack mode. I tried to tell her. I begged her to be positive. But it just wasn't in her. It's not the first time though. I swear whenever we are apart physically, she finds a way to start s text fight. If I respond by defending myself, it makes it worse. If I beg her to stop, she denies blaming/attacking and then goes at it again. If I tell her I am turning off my phone because this isn't healthy she gets mad that I am avoiding her...which turns into paranoia.

How can I help her and me with this roller coaster ride? I am hurt too...AND severely disappointed in myself. I just don't see how being negative and lashing out can make anything better. How can I get her to be positive? I love this woman SO much.

BTW I am now a full 14 days porn free with absolutely no urge to return. I know someday that urge may come back. But I am confident it won't be soon. I'm a pretty stubborn individual.