Hopeless case - searching for hope

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Fenix Rising, Aug 7, 2018.

  1. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Hi fellow Fapstronauts,

    I'm 37 yo miserable prick, fighting with compulsive binge MB and PMO problem for nearly two decades. I've tried stopping so many times, I stopped counting. My last attempt ended on 180 day of "hard mode", relapse catapulting me back to 4 months of severe binge PMO. Things really got out of hand, I've been doing it 6 and more times a day, to complete body exhaustion. This addiction is taking a toll on my physical health, especially last years. I can feel it more and more. On top of that, depression, general anxiety and low self-esteem are killing me slowly from the inside. I've had enough of this! Such life is not worth living. It's time to stop no matter how hard things will become.

    I'm prepared to fight once more. But this time around strategy has to change. Just rebooting for X number of days obviously doesn't cut it. After finishing time challenges, I always relapsed and returned to day one, like rebooting never happened. As the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I'm gonna try more holistic approach this time around:

    I came across Dr. Stephen Ilardi's 6-Step Program to Beat Depression Without Drugs.
    His solution to the problem of addiction is basically change of lifestyle, to cure depression and that should lead to curing the addiction too:

    Dr. Stephen Ilardi:"We were never designed for the sedentary, indoor, socially isolated, fast-food-laden, sleep-deprived, frenzied pace of modern life."

    Basic steps of this program are:

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise)
    2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids
    3. Sunlight
    4. Healthy Sleep
    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity
    6. Social Connection

    http://tlc.ku.edu/elements

    So my take on 6 steps will be:

    1. Running, walking fast, biking for at least 45 minutes 6 times a week following 14 weeks 10K running program app and 14 weeks 50 K cycling training plan
    2. Eating large spoon of fish oil once a day (1000 mg of EPA and 500 mg of DHA)
    3. Get at least 30 minutes of sunbath per day
    4. Go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day. Get 8 hours of sleep per night
    5. Stop dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings. If I find myself doing it, I'll do one of these things: call a friend, exercise, write down the negative thoughts in this journal, or do some other pleasant activity
    6. Try to reconnect with old friends from whom I’ve grown apart and stop wasting my time in front of computer, using it strictly for work, finding real life connections and journaling.
    7. Hard mode reboot, no cheating by YouTube softcore, edging etc.

    I won't be impatient, knowing that withdrawals will be very, very bad. I'll reevaluate effectiveness of the program, possibly make changes and seek professional help after 14 weeks, when I finish running and cycling training program, not sooner, knowing from my past experiences that my brain will play tricks on me in between.

    I'll report every day on completing or not completing 6 daily steps and no PMO.

    That's about it. Wish me good luck, I'm gonna need it big time :)

    PS: If you have any thoughts or opinions, please do comment. We learn more when we learn together.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2018
  2. zanehe

    zanehe Fapstronaut

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    Best of luck, man!

    I have similar feelings that after a long streak of no PM, you think you deserve a reward of PM. but you may be trapped. The addiction of PM could easily destroy the confidence and good self-esteem built up in the long-run and let us trapped in even deeper misery.
    Once start NoFap, try to Never get back! I know how miserable it is!
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2018
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  3. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Hi fellow Fapstronauts,

    It took me 5 days to gather mental strength to start recovery and I'm still scared, knowing what kind of withdrawal symptoms to expect. My last "hard mode" was one of the hardest things, I've ever done. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do... and hopefully not repeat previous mistakes :)

    Today I took first steps on path to recovery:

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise) - evening run/walk for 45 minutes in nature
    2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - one large spoon of fish oil (tastes awful)
    3. Sunlight - 15 min sunbath
    4. Healthy Sleep - x insomnia/overslept in the morning
    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity - tried to steer away from negative thoughts. Didn't read any social media or news portals.
    6. Social Connection - x no effort that front today
    7. PMO - abstained / no cravings

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    Last edited: Aug 13, 2018
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  4. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Second day on path to recovery:

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise) - evening cycling 1.5 h hour
    2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - one large spoon of fish oil
    3. Sunlight - x no sunbath today because of rainy day. I might buy bright light therapy box for rainy days in the future.
    4. Healthy Sleep - x insomnia/overslept in the morning again. I have to stop using tablet in bed

    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity - tried to steer away from negative thoughts, but some dark moments did occur.
    Reading media/news portals makes me depressed. I should stop reading them

    6. Social Connection - x no effort that front today
    7. PMO - abstained / no cravings

    I've had mild headache all day. I hope this is just temporary, but I doubt it. Withdrawal symptoms might be kicking in already.

    PS: If anyone is interested about details of my program, I recommend reading https://bit.ly/2OC2PVO I finished it yesterday and it makes sense to me. It's basically program to treat depression, anxiety symptoms and compulsive behaviors together. All the things I have problems with and probably many other NoFapstronauts here.
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    Last edited: Aug 14, 2018
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  5. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Day 3, confirmed, shit has hit the fan already. I'm feeling sick, headache is lasting for two days now, my stomach hurts, fatigue, depression. I'm surprised how little time was needed for withdrawal symptoms to occur. There's no way around it, I have to endure, no matter how hard it will be and long it takes. There's no way back.

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise) - evening run/walk for 1 hour in nature
    2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - one large spoon of fish oil
    3. Sunlight - 30 min sunbath at 6.30 pm
    4. Healthy Sleep - x insomnia/overslept in the morning. I have to do something about it.
    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity - tried to steer away from negative thoughts, but they kept coming.
    Tried to play a game, watch a movie, surf the web, but I stopped after few minutes, total loss of interest. Have to find some more interesting activity to occupy my mind with.

    6. Social Connection - Called a friend, he offered a quick drink, I declined. It would probably end him being on the phone 90 % of a time.
    7. PMO - abstained / no cravings / did get morning woods (although weak)

    I'll try to wake up early and go cycling in the morning. I feel a bit better after exercising. Maybe positive effects will last throughout the day... I'll see, IF I can can wake up!
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  6. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Day 4, milder headache persist, but feeling a better in general. Less anxious and in better mood. Surprisingly my eyesight has improved. No cravings whatsoever.

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise) - evening cycling outdoor for 70 min. Harder the workout, better I feel afterwards.
    2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - one large spoon of fish oil after lunch. I have to buy multivitamins and vitamin C
    3. Sunlight - maybe 10 - 15 min sunbath. Not enough
    4. Healthy Sleep - fall asleep at 3.30 am /slept until 11 am. If I don't find solution soon, I'll visit a doctor.
    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity - not much negative thoughts, some low self esteem and anxiety moments, but nothing long lasting
    6. Social Connection - Went to school college's father funeral. I didn't want to go, but I forced myself to go. That must count for something.
    7. PMO - abstained / no cravings / did see a hot chick today while cycling and took notice
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    Last edited: Aug 16, 2018
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  7. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Day 5, woke up all messed up. Feeling sick with headache, joints pain and some serious existential anxiety over lost opportunities during the day. No sexual cravings.

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise) - evening brisk walking/running for an hour. Helped me against overwhelming crippling anxiety I experienced today
    2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - one large spoon of fish oil after lunch. Really have to buy multivitamins. I did eat some fresh fruits and vegetables today.
    3. Sunlight - maybe 15 min sunbath at 5 pm. Burning sun, I couldn't do more.
    4. Healthy Sleep - fall asleep at 3 am /slept until 10 am. I'm nearing doctor solution. I have to wake up at 8 am tomorrow (haircut appointment),
    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity - serious existential anxiety triggered by invitation to job interview. Running and drink with a friend did help a bit. But Alcohol shouldn't be a solution!
    6. Social Connection - Called cousin, friend and went for a drink this evening.
    7. PMO - abstained / no cravings /
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  8. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Day 6, tired and sick all day… Sleep deprivation and beer have taken their toll. Man has to be especially vigilant when tired. I could easily slip today just to get some feel good fix.

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise) - none, too tired
    2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - one large spoon of fish oil after lunch. I some fruits and vegetables
    3. Sunlight - none
    4. Healthy Sleep - fall asleep at 4 am /slept until 8 am, not nearly enough. Couldn't fall asleep.
    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity - no anxiety in the morning because I was too exhausted to feel anything other than fatigue but a lot during night.

    6. Social Connection - Called friend but turn down evening drink invitation... too tired to go out
    7. PMO - abstained but googled some escort websites
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  9. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Day 7, overslept again, but feeling better in general. Some anxiety and depressive thoughts kicked in during the day, but I overcome them with exercise.

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise) - 2 hours of afternoon/evening cycling
    2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - one large spoon of fish oil after lunch. I some fruits and vegetables
    3. Sunlight - plenty on bike
    4. Healthy Sleep - fall asleep at 2 am /overslept until 1 pm. Woke up rested
    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity - anxiety and depression kicked in after seeing phone call I didn't answer during the week and it could be important. Being very fragile, everything can sent me into anxious and blue mood. I couldn't stop thinking about missed call, so I went cycling to clear my mind and called 2 friends after. It helped stopping negative thoughts.
    6. Social Connection - Called two friends. Wanted to get out, but couldn't reach them in time.
    7. PMO - abstained but googled some escort websites again. This could be my brains trying to trick me to return to my old habits. I must be careful.
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    Last edited: Aug 19, 2018
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  10. brichter

    brichter New Fapstronaut

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    I know this will be difficult, and probably sort of scary. But I would reccomend you go to the meetup website or a similar website, and just join a group. Maybe a running group, or something else that interests you. I am socially awkward, but have become quite a bit better than I was. Upon going to these group meetings, I suggest something active. It may feel awkward the first several times, but if you just keep going regardless, inevitably it will get easier. You gotta fight though. Good luck man
     
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  11. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man, I'll do that. I was not always antisocial. But depression and anxiety really took a toll on my relationships. I alienated from most of my friends, now I'm trying slowly to reconnect. I don't want to rush it. I was hyperactive during my last two hard mode streaks, going to holidays with complete strangers etc and had some bad experiences (but also some good ones). I'll take more slow approach this time around. Old friends first and meet new people more carefully.
     
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  12. MikeDownUnder

    MikeDownUnder Fapstronaut

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    Nice posts. Will try some of your steps, except 2.
     
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  13. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    I understand, fish oil really tastes awful :) I only added 7th step. As for steps, it's not my program but dr. Stephen S. Ilardi's. He says it's beneficial for depression, anxiety and compulsive behaviors. It has very positive reviews. I recommend reading his book. Quite easy to follow, but every step is very well scientifically supported by numerus studies and his own experience as clinician. He also advises behavioral cognitive therapy if you can't find strength to follow plan alone.
     
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  14. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Day 8, one boring day. Depression kicked. Probable cause lack of sleep and no physical activity. I have to exercise tomorrow or I'll get stuck in this dark place. I can feel depression sucking me in fast.

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise) - none
    2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - one large spoon of fish oil after lunch. I some fruits and vegetables
    3. Sunlight - none. Stayed in all day. Really bad decision.
    4. Healthy Sleep - fall asleep at 5 am /slept until 10 am. Woke up more tired than going to sleep
    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity - don't give a fuck about anything attitude lasted all day. Didn't even try to fight it.
    6. Social Connection - One business phone call and coffee with self invited neighbor. Unwilling to do anything.

    7. PMO - abstained but googled some escort websites again. Third time in the row. This is becoming a habit. I have to stop or I'll relapse soon.
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  15. MikeDownUnder

    MikeDownUnder Fapstronaut

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    Definitely stop.
     
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  16. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Day 9, I was falling deeper and deeper into depressed state of mind. Brain fog was so dense, I couldn't think clearly. Luckily I was able to force myself to go for a run. My mood lifted almost immediately after it. One more proof I must exercise on daily basis. Only two days without it and I was on a verge of major depression episode. Not an easy day.

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise) - evening 75 min of brisk walking/running
    2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - one large spoon of fish oil after lunch. I some fruits and vegetables
    3. Sunlight - being outside but not on direct sun. Have to become more precise about it. It looks like sunbath is important when it comes to improved mood.
    4. Healthy Sleep - fall asleep at 2 am /slept until 9 am. Woke up tired again. Still not much progress on sleeping front.
    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity - don't give a fuck about anything attitude continued. Brain fog lifted after run.
    6. Social Connection - Talked to a friend. We wanted to go swimming. Didn't happen.
    7. PMO - abstained. No cravings, but for some reason I did think about it. Inner voice said to me, you're miserable fuck already, what do you have to lose? Must stay vigilant. Mind started playing tricks with me.
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  17. nate311

    nate311 Fapstronaut

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  18. MikeDownUnder

    MikeDownUnder Fapstronaut

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    Wow @nate311, number 3 on the link is all for me except for the weeds and drugs. Thanks indeed a good read.
     
  19. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Day 10, started day on the wrong foot, by oversleeping half a day. Feeling bad most of the day, couldn't think straight. Mood improved after night run.

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise) - night 35 min of brisk walking/running I have to wake up and start exercising in the morning, so I won't be depressed all day.
    2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - one large spoon of fish oil after lunch.
    3. Sunlight - none
    4. Healthy Sleep - fall asleep at 5 am /slept until 1 pm, woke up tired, come late to work, luckily no one noticed. This is f... up, I have to do something about insomnia.
    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity - Brain fog again, locked in negative emotions, didn't think about nothing in particular. Just waited for time to pass by.
    6. Social Connection - none
    7. PMO - abstained. No cravings for porn
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  20. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Day 11, same old, same old. Insomnia, oversleeping, being cranky and depressed most of the day. Mood improved after evening cycling. I'll go running at 8 am tomorrow, even if it means sleeping only for couple of hours. I set three alarm clocks on three different spots, so I'll have to get up from the bed :)

    1. Physical Activity (Exercise) - evening uphill cycling for 70 min. Helped again with my mood. Aerobic exercise is really the best antidepressant pill for me. Nothing else works so fast. 2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - one large spoon of fish oil after lunch. Some vegetables at lunch and dinner
    3. Sunlight - none. No excuses here. I have to go out at least at lunch time.
    4. Healthy Sleep - fall asleep at 6 am /slept until 2 pm, woke up exhausted, late for work again… I'm playing with fire. 7.30 am tomorrow it is.
    5. Anti-Ruminative Activity - unproductive day, locked in self pity and negative thoughts.
    6. Social Connection - none. Didn't have energy to bother. Being glued to PC screens most of free time. Not OK!
    7. PMO - abstained. No cravings for porn. I've noticed myself looking at YouTube videos with pretty women more and more. Not good!
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