Honestly I am not a hero.

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Reboot Logs' started by Jazzmusician, Aug 9, 2018.

  1. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Lets call this day 1 though I am off MO since 12 days.

    Wake up late and get a beautiful strong erection. Nothing unusual for me. I pull back my foreskin to caress slowly my glans for 5 minutes without stimulating to orgasm.

    Feels good, thereafter get ready for the day.

    Spending time the entire morning on nofap is not so good. Should rather concentrate on my work but Helps at least to clear my brain.

    Watching 3 minutes porn. Boring. Nude girls still arouse me. Do this for 10 minutes but no erection.

    When my coworker leaves for lunch get an erection. Instinctively my hand goes in my pants. Touch my penis but don't rub it. Smoke cigarette and the erection fades away.

    very late lunch at 3pm soy bean stuff. Said to lower testeron level. Not sure if this helps but definitely can't harm and goes well with loosing weight. I am not overweight but want to get rid of my belly.

    Get several erections during the day without visual stimulations. Try not to fight them but to enjoy them.

    Come home cook dinner daily family routine. Go to bed. Trying by purpose to get an erection with breathing technique. Worked well for pleasant feelings without orgasm. Playing with my glans is very satisfying.

    Day 2

    Hands free session in the morning with the intention to reach orgasm. Almost got to ejaculate. Good feeling though. Thereafter played a few minutes with my thing with no intention to reach orgasm. Tried to concentrate on the loosing power as a relief. Need more practice.

    I feel having a lot of energy for the day.

    When showering search for my P spot.

    The rest of the day was a camouflaged disaster.

    I didn't watch porn but got into activities just mimicking it. Not a total relapse but some sort of acting out my brains demand.

    When back home I tried to orgasm without touching myself and it took me 2 hours to get just an erection which didn't last very long. So I gave it up in the end and came back to nofap website to make a new decision. Just go radically to zero and reset my counter.

    Day 1 hard mode

    So here I am at the beginning of a new life. Easy to say 'just don't do it'. But J am determined.

    Day 2 hard mode

    The morning starts as usual with a beautiful massive and pleasant erection calling me to orgasm at least. My mindset on this is to take a moment to fully enjoy the feeling, close my eyes and imagining a nice ejaculation and wait until it is over. I call it mental self reward.

    Pause my writing because I get another erection. Good feeling.

    Got a refreshing cold shower in the morning. One small success when weighting myself. I am back to what I have been. And I thought that I should go back to do the 7 minute physical exercise i had been doing as a New Years resolution until April.
    Now ready for the day.

    The day wasn't too great despite I didn't watch porn nor tried to masturbate. However I spent the whole morning to distract myself. Couldn't wait for lunch break to smoke 2 cigarettes apparently for my dopamine cravings. In the afternoon I worked a bit but couldn't finish what I had set as a goal in the morning. In the afternoon I went to the men's room to check myself. Pulled down my pants and looked at my flaccid penis. Would I get an erection? After 5 minutes I was relieved that nothing happened and went back to work.

    After coming home too busy to think anywhere in the direction of PMO. Now it is late night and compared to the nights before where I tried to reach a hands free orgasm without success, I am very calm now. Any sexual thoughts are somehow gone. Don't even want an erection. Nice peaceful mindset. Wished this would be all the time like this.

    Day 3 hard mode

    Daily rhythm is repeating. Wake up get stiff enjoy the moment and when it is over get ready for the day. There seem to be cycles of erections without artificial arousal. For me 15 minutes after waking up, around noon and later around 3pm.

    Now it is short before noon and I am getting my erection and because I am alone in the house I take a private moment to lie naked on the bed to enjoy the feeling without touching my penis. While doing so I am so relaxed that I am dozing off. When I wake up the erection comes back not so strong any more. Take my time to enjoy the feeling. After another 20 minutes keeping it up I feel completely relieved and satisfied almost like after having sex. I am especially concentrating consciously on the dimming down my eyes closed and telling myself: 'this felt so good, really good.' Session finished got my full reward for the day.

    The rest of he day is until late at night with no more thoughts of erections or sex. After along day I go to sleep just because I am tired and sleepy.

    Day 4 hard mode

    I think I still could glimpse at a porn movie for a minute just to find out that it is boring and doesn't excite me any more to get an erwction. So at the moment I seem to be safe for porn.

    My morning erection arrives around 8:05 and holds full 40 minutes. The longest and intensest I experienced so far. To enjoy it fully I pull my penis up with a loop around my shaft. It gets not only hard but beautifully ultra hard the glans being totally exposed and shiny from its fullness. Extremely exciting feeling and though doesn't bring me to the point of ejaculation I feel high like when watching porn for a prolonged time. The dimming down takes as well longer than usual. The best reward for no PMO I had so far. After my penis gets flaccid I feel super relieved.
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2018
  2. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Day 4 no PMO

    Had an extremely beautiful long and vibrant erection in the morning. Just better than any orgasm while watching porn. I just indulged in the feeling as long as I could and then started my day.

    The day was busy so he risk of getting distracted was low. At the end I saw my wife naked in the bath and this was wonderfully stimulating though I was tired. Went to bed and enjoyed the erection which released after a few minutes.

    Then I made the test. I looked for a porn scene on my iPhone I used to find very exciting. While watching I monitored my reaction and it was just so dammed boring. I used to get a rock hard erection with this stuff. So I shut it off after 2 minutes and went back remembering my wife nude in the bath and within seconds my erection came back.

    Don't reset the counter for this. Porn is repeating and boring. The things we see don't have any emotional connection to us and I just tried in the past to make it fit with rubbing me to get the erection I was supposed to get (how stupid) and then cum (even more stupid). I guess I really don't need it any more,
     
  3. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Day 5 no PMO

    Started my day with the morning erection ritual. This time my penis started swelling around 8:09 and is pulsating 10 minutes until I doze off, it is coming back a second time when I put a sling around the shaft to enhance the wonderful feeling. I doze off a second time and when I wake up again
    the urge is still there so I get it erect a third time.which brings me close to an ejaculation.

    Didn't have time to savor the dimming down, which is probably more important because it makes me feel to go to rest position for the day. Need to limit the total time for this too. Will try to skip every second day.

    65.7kg cold morning shower. New rule: no internet for 4 hours in the morning. Setting timer now.

    Had a wonderful and busy day. No thoughts of porn whatsoever.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2018
  4. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Day 6 no PMO

    My morning erection starts at 7:12 and lasts 40 full minutes. Fulfilling moment. Try to savor especially the dimming down to sleep position as a relief. Ready for the day. Feel miraculously relieved and energetic because I have the feeling of reaching my goals. Weight down to 65.1 No internet until 2 pm.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2018
  5. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Day 7 no PMO

    Didn't have time the whole day even to think about it. Did a lot if work and I felt very statisfied at the end of the day.
     
  6. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Day 8 no PMO

    Woke up in the morning getting a beautiful erection. Savor it for 40 minutes with a climax sensation without ejaculating. Reward for 1 week no PMO.
    In the afternoon I get an urge to repeat it but just busy myself to go along without.
    Go to bed calm no thoughts of masturbation.
     
  7. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    We may have different definitions, I think no PMO means no porn, and no masturbation, and no orgasm. I.e you cannot watch porn at all. So for me
    would be a reset. I would definitely advise against testing yourself, better to avoid things that draw you to porn as much as you can. But I guess it depends on your goals. Why are you rebooting?
     
  8. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    For the same reason as everyone. Getting rid of compulsive behaviors. In my case this means (just speaking for myself) if i have a short glimpse into porn just to find out that it is not the stimulating effect any more it helps me to stay away from it. In the end if porn doesn't make me MO it's just like any movie.
    I could access right now from my phone almost anything but I I don't feel the slightest temptation.

    Porn is boring
    Porn is dumb
    Life has more exciting things to offer.

    I am also against the idea that masturbation as such is bad. Compulsive masturbation is bad. Some doctors actually recommend for health reasons something like masturbation once a week when a sex partner is not available. In the end if we porn addicts had a positive and fulfilling healthy sex life we wouldn't have done what we did. Or not?
    If you relapse every month and continue like that for the rest of your life, you can't say this is compulsive behavior either.
    Just my opinion.
     
  9. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Day 9 no PMO

    Woke up 3:40 getting my usual morning erection. It lasts for good 20 minutes. I savor it letting my fantasies go without touching myself. Fall asleep again. Next time I wake up 6:50, get another erection which lasts only 5 minutes. A week ago this was different. Erections seem to become shorter for what reason ever. (testosterone level going down?) What I have read here it seems that after 3 weeks of no ejaculation the body changes and slowly accepts the sleep mode. I will monitor myself the next few days to see how it develops.

    Morning weight down to 64.5.

    At the moment I don't know if not the internet itself is the bigger enemy for pron recovery. As soon as I am in an environment where I don't have a computer I don't feel any urge to watch porn or nude girls. Almost as if all this doesn't exist.
    At least I don't even feel like testing myself watching 1-2 minutes a porn scene I have seen before. Slowly my mindset goes not to hate porn but looking on it completely indifferent. There are a few reasons for this which I rationalize little by little.


    Trigger warning
    1. Porn is made for artificial stimulation.
    2. Real sex with a partner is more about touching each others body, feeling the skin, kissing and whispering words. Sharing emotions and feeling the deep connection during intercourse.
    3. In Porn everything is reduced to only visual images.
    4. porn women are idealized types of women to trigger desires
    5. porn can't connect to he viewer with talks. If a sex partner in real life just makes a sexy hint this is by far more arousing.

    So that's where I am standing after 9 days no PMO and 23 days no orgasm. I am wondering now if the moment for relapse will come soon. I am not a hero and I count with my own weakness.

    Had a stressed day. Almost relapsed. Edged as far as looking at bikini girls pics accessible with porn blocker on. Shut it off telling my self: 'you are heating up PMO desires. Think of your family!' Made a break to get away from the computer. Frequent erections coming back crying for release. I tell myself 'Calm down!'

    Looking at the to do list I made in the morning helps. Starting to check off items. Keep going. Fighting an addiction without hardship is not possible.










     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2018
  10. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    My view is normally that it is your reboot, and so you decide the rules and parameters. I'm pretty consistent about that (e.g. here, here, here, here, and here). But somehow I do not agree with the parameters you are setting and I want to push you a bit.

    You should reset the counter for that. Imagine that a friend is addicted to self-harm. After a few days of abstinence she decides that she is going to cut herself to see if it still holds power. But first she asks your advice. I hope you can see, as I do, that it would be mad for her to do that, she should stick to abstinence. You should too.

    I think you are deluding yourself. Porn will always have a dangerous hold on our psyche. In a private message you've told me of the stimulation and loss of control you experienced all those years ago with your first porn experience. I am the same. Your goal is not to become bored of pornography but to rid your life of it. Before I found NoFap the longest streak of abstinence from porn I managed was 654 days. When I went back to porn after that it felt absolutely amazing. Not boring at all. There is nothing like giving something you love up for nigh on two years to make returning to it sweet. I'm not telling you this to entice you back to porn, but to show you that having 'find porn boring' as a goal is not a good idea. You are either deluding yourself or deeply burying the side of yourself that loves porn, but he will climb back out. Instead find ways to engage with him and feed him alternatives. Recognise that porn will always be a weakness but find the techniques to get it out of your life.

    Again a bad idea. This is masturbation, in hard mode you have given up masturbation. This is a relapse.

    Is it? In my fictitious example above does our friend want to stop self-harming as a compulsive behaviour, or does she want to stop self-harming? Porn damages us and our relationships but (unlike self-harm I guess) it also damages others: many of the people in the porn industry are damaged by it and it infects the way women are seen and treated the world over. Porn is evil. The goal, I think, is not to end compulsive porn use but to end porn use full stop. The fact that we are addicts makes stopping harder, but it is not the addiction we seek to end but the behaviour itself. I suspect you feel the same as you said

    I 100% agree.

    No, I would counsel against doing this. Do not test yourself. Do not watch porn under the pretence of proving to yourself that you do not need to watch porn. That does not really make sense.
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2018
    Jazzmusician likes this.
  11. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I agree completely. Unlike many here I think porn is healthy and good; but I have had to stop because masturbation kept bringing me too close to porn: masturbating made it harder for me to give up pornography (more here)
     
  12. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Can't say that I completely disagree with your points BUT I think rules have to develop naturally with the progress being made. Maybe some of my views are self deceptive seen from outside but as long as they keep me going for a bigger goal at the beginning I don't call them a relapse. It is in the grey zone of individual human perception. I really didn't feel anything during my test and it helped enough that I didn't totally relapse after looking at bikini women. The previous test gave me the strength to say a clear no not going further. (in the end what if I had kept silent about it....?)

    My self pleasuring habits wighout ejaculation seem to balance something in my body which I feel is necessary for the moment and in this sense is not bad. However I'd prefer to have a libido fulfilled time with my wife regardless if it brings me an orgaam or not.

    Strict rules always look good but are creating long term the opposite of the ultimate goal because we deny something which is part of our nature being male. This can be seen here over and over in relapse stories. Too high expectations can even make people completely give up. I prefer to have slightly looser rules and go without porn forever than getting a relapse after 2 years.

    If I would stop to enjoy normal erections I would end up soon in unbearable cravings leading either to porn similar activities without viewing images or relapse after maybe one week. I tried it in the past and recognized it as a major mistake. However I am not trying to tell anyone that my rules apply for everyone. I am just sharing my ecperience as honestly as I can.

    I am now almost one month without ejacukation and this is in medical terms a huge change for my body. I expect in the next month changes which allow me to redefine the rules I set myself. But again rules against the nature of my body are not my goal.

    However if it feels natural to me in the next stage to reduce self pleasuring and to do no more porn viewing tests I will do it with the natural joy of developing myself. This is extremely important for my well being and goes parallel for the positive feeling to succeed.

    It took me 5 days to go for the 5 minute test. Would the next test be less from there I would certainly count it as relapse, but that's actually already too late now and I can't envision it neither tomorrow nor in the next week.

    So what is there at the bottom line to share with other people on this site? It is a learning process for our body-brain relationship to adopt no PMO. It is different for every individual. Good learners get away from compulsive behaviors bad learners are more likely to relapse. Learning means to set acceptable rules and develop from there. For some strict rules are a better recipe than loose rules and vice versa. What counts is reaching the goal.

    Porn is boring
    Porn us dumb
    I don't need it any more to live a fulfilled life.
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2018
    kropo82 likes this.
  13. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Yes, that is true.

    I have found this to be the most important bit of all. If we are honest then our recovery is an opportunity to really learn about ourselves and become someone better. But only if we are honest.
     
  14. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Yes, the biggest part of the addiction is telling oneself the psychological lie 'it's ok, it doesn't harm anyone, I can have a pleasure moment.'

    I once had a friend who was an alcoholic. I told him at one moment about his addiction: 'If you lie to me that's ok, but if you lie to yourself you are getting in serious trouble.'
     
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  15. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Day 10 no PMO

    Wake up at 6:50 and my penis starts swelling automatically at 7:00. This morning my erection is very vibrant and lasts for 25 minutes. Don't try anything to enhance the feeling. It just feels good and enjoyable. At 7:35 I get a second erection which lasts for another 5 minutes.
    Morning weight 64.3kg (unbelievable!)

    The rest of the day was more or less routine. Somewhere on yahoo news I paused for a moment to look at a pic of a beautiful women. Otherwise there were no temptations. Made me wonder if this is linked to my regular soy milk consumption. On day 9 I had a rough time and the day before I didn't drink soy milk.
    The only craving I had was smoking a cigarette at noon. Sooner or later I need to stop that too. I never really liked smoking. It only holds the memory that my first cigarette made me a super hard erection and I masturbated thereafter so in principle the same thing as watching porn.

    Got home later than usual and was just tired. Finish my journal here and then will go to sleep. Day 11 no PMO is waiting.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2018
  16. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Day 11 no PMO

    Slept long and woke up 6:35 waiting for my erection. Savor the swelling and the following pulsations. After 20 minutes I put a sling around my shaft and savor it for another 20 minutes. Wonderful and rich and rewarding feelings. No urge to orgasm.
    Feel relieved thereafter.

    Morning weight: 63.8

    After my wife and kids leave o have a quiet moment at home. Reflecting on how to use the time during the day and which goals I am setting for the day.

    I decide first to set up a shelf at home. When I get s moment of frustration I search on my phone a site of nudes. When the search result pulls up I look at the name I know so well. I shut the search down telling myself 'you don't need this any more'. Feeling relieved thereafter.

    First time I am experiencing physical pain: I got blue balls crying for relief. My prostate started to itch since a few days as well. but this doesn't bother me so much.

    Need to be tough for the rest of the day. Or maybe just an ice pack on my balls. ;)
     
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  17. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Day 12 no PMO

    Morning ritual as usual. Erection starts at 6:30 and lasts for 20 minutes and dims down. At 7:00 get another weaker erection which lasts for 5 minutes.
    Third erection at 7:08. A bit stronger than the second one.

    One of my balls still slightly hurts. After a cold shower it is better.

    My penis became very sensitive for the slightest touch. Just touching it with one finger feels like as if I could reach an orgasm. But just the vibrant feeling is so incredibly exciting that I don't go any further knowing that after an ejaculation this will be over and maybe need again one week to have my penis in the same sensitive condition.

    Morning weight 63.0

    According to BMI index I could theoretically go down to 56 kg without being underweight. I'll try to come below 60 now, not right to the border something like 58.0 kg.

    Had a major victory in the morning. I was in the place where I usually watched porn with plenty of time to do it. I didn't want to do it! I was just blank.

    Well, this doesn't mean I am cured but remembering the moment will help the next time I will sit in the spot alone.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2018
  18. Jazzmusician

    Jazzmusician Fapstronaut

    Day 13 no PMO

    Wake up early in the morning at 5:08 before my alarm clock is waking me up. Just lying on my back and waiting for my 'morning reward'. after a few minutes my penis becomes stiff and starts to pulsate. I take my time until the alarm goes off. Prolong it a little and get out of bed 5:40.

    After having read about carezza sex, I think what I am doing every morning is something similar, but it would be nicer with my wife.

    morning weight 63.0 no progress there but this doesn't really worry me.

    After family morning routine is finished I head off to work. At 8:10 I arrive in the place where I was watching porn at the time when I was doing it unobserved. Strange feeling again. I sit at my computer answering mails and writing my journal on nofap. While doing this my penis starts swelling around 9:35 presumably because it is waiting for the porn reward. I enjoy the vibrant itching feeling but have no temptation at all to unblock porn protection. However because nobody can watch me I pull down my pants to caress gently my erected penis waiting for the moment it will peacefully shrink again.

    Maybe this came as well because I didn't drink my soy milk yesterday. But at least it didn't tempt me to browse the internet for any pictures of beautiful women or stuff like that. Thinking of my wife instead and trying to imagine how carezza would be with her. (We have never done it so far.)

    This morning I was thinking to reset my counter. Not that I watched porn or had an orgasm. I would do it to refine my next goals and set a clear starting point for my next goal: No PMO AND reduced time at the internet and iPhone to enable time to do the things I am supposed to do. There I failed presumably for my bodys dopamine cravings which I unconsciously fed with the internet and cigarettes. this would be the hardest challenge: a dopamine diet for the next 30 days.

    at the end of my 28 days no MO and 13 days no PMO period I have achievements to be proud of. Yeah, I glimpsed 5-10 minutes into porn at the beginning but was able to hold masturbating back. I was able to stop it after two weeks. I learned to handle the reactions of my body in a positive way and just savor my erections as they are channeling them in a different direction. One night I lay in bed embracing my wifeenjoying the moment of closeness though we weren't naked nor had any touch of sexual nature. I could get control of my weight loss to a promising degree going beyond my original goal of reaching the weight I had at age 19 (65kg)

    My next journal will be 'Trying to become a hero.' No time limit for this, or maybe until I have a sex with my wife. My dream would be to explore the new world of carezza with her.
     

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