HOCD

okay. so like 4 or 5 months ago i broke up with my girl cuz i cheated on her with a fem dude. he sucked me off. we met on grindr. So before all this i had been watching porn since i was like 13 and now im 20. started off normal. masturbated a whollle lot. i remember watching a girl suck a dick for the first time and thinking omg, shes sucking a DICK, thats crazy/kinky/gross/hot. anyway, later on i remember doing weird shit. like trying to suck my own dick, and just getting super kinky and wild. spending alot of time fapping. At the time i started porn it would have never occurred to me that'd id ever develop some kind of dick fetish. I always had crushes on girls my whole life. In fact im sure that a younger version of me would love to beat the shit out of me rn. When i hooked up with the fem, he had a small dick. BTW after the hookup, even tho i dint really do anything except get sucked off. I felt terrible, i confessed to my girl the next day and broke both our hearts. I still love her. We broke up like 5 months ago. But she kinda cut me off for good and went to the army. I figured that the hookup with the fem would break my hocd. which it kinda did, for about a week. But then the HOCD came back even stronger and began thinking, wait, what if i want to suck a big dick. like the girls in porn. I began thinking about gay shit alot and feeling as if i liked it. just recently, I did not nut for about a week, however i was edging quite a bit. but only to thoughts of women. women became so much more attractive. I was feeling good this week, until last night where a gay thought popped in my head and I fapped to it. while fapping, im like pretty sure i liked it. until i nut, and thats when i feel out of place. to make this more clear, I LOVE WOMEN 100% love women. I know that for a fact. So alot of the checking for if i like women is gone because i know i love them. With men its more just like a dick thing. but as far as like making LOVE, I just dont see/ feel that ever happening with a man even tho sometimes I try to imagine/ fap to the idea of it. Its like i try to imagine im a girl or something During the week of NoFap, everyday got better. the thoughts faded a bit more. but then all a sudden one thought ruined everything. its weird because during this week of no MO, i did not really have many gay thoughts. and the fact that it just popped up makes me feel like i have to accept im gay??? idk really what to do. guess ill just try another week of NoFap. but no edging.

 

I feel you. I have days where its better and worse. and what do you mean by everyone gets thoughts like that? for me its like im trying to be gay and accept it and like mo to gay thoughts. but idk, its constantly in my head. like i dont want to be gay. but ive been telling myself i want to?