I have been dealing with HOCD thoughts for around 5 or 6 years now. I think I know why I started having these thoughts. I do not have much sexual experience due to social anxiety, shyness and depression. In summary I am frustrated. For some reason long ago I started looking at apps like grindr and gay websites and was amazed at how easy it was for gay men to have sex (literally the same hour / day). After this revalation I started having gay thoughts. I fought them but eventually I considered if I was actually bisexual or even gay (even though I never had these thoughts before in 25 years). Long story short... I met up with a man. It all happened very fast and before I knew it we were naked and on his bed. He was giving me oral which felt ok, but I felt incredibly awkward and like something was wrong. Eventually he stopped and wanted me to do the same to him in return... but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't even really want to touch his body... it was very confusing as I had an errection. I apologied and ended up putting my clothes on as quicky as possible and leaving his house. At the time I was slightly scared as he was 6ft+ and over 200 lbs whereas I am 147 lbs... I have had other brief experiences with "cottaging" (a slang term in the uk where men meet in toilets...). I had a few hand jobs from men. It was almost like an addiction because it was so easy, but again I could never bring myself to perform acts on these men. I haven't had any gay experiences in over a year now. In fact, I haven't had sex with a woman since last June. The problem is I keep having gay thoughts like performing oral on a man. I don't understand as I don't find men attractive when I look at them. Like I say, I met up with some men and felt nothing... so why do I keep having these thoughts? I feel very confused. I also feel like long term masturbation has affected my attraction to women as I am not very proactive at finding a girlfriend. However I masturbate almost everyday and keep looking at naked women (for like the past 20 years since I first got a computer). I NEVER EVER look at gay porn as I find it gross. I always look at softcore female models. What the hell? I am thinking of going on citalopram as perhaps this is ocd. I feel very messed up in my head and I am worried I am going to go on grindr / websites again and end up in a mans house and in a dangerous situation, or do something I regret. I just don't understand. The thoughts keep telling me to kiss and perform oral on a man. I let it play out in my head and try not to resist the thoughts... however when I have met men in real life it feels wrong (when I had sex with a woman last year it felt very natural and there was no shame / wrong feelings). How do I kill hocd? I just want to go back to how I was for 25 years before these thoughts.