HOCD? HELP?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Jackson Rorschach, Apr 19, 2019.

  1. Jackson Rorschach

    Jackson Rorschach Fapstronaut

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    Hi. I am 25 years old. I am currently on a 21 day streak. I am doing it to try and help my HOCD. At least I hope it is HOCD. I guess i'll start from the beginning. For the longest time I have believed i am straight. As a kid i would steal my mom's lingerie catalogs and my dad's sport illustrated swimsuit magazines. I would fap. I don't remember how old i was, but i was pretty young. I had crushes. Namely on this asian girl in my class. Anyway i discovered porn sometime in middle school and would fap excessively. It was at that time i learned about homosexuality. I freaked out at the time because up until that i didnt know it was possible. In fact i guess i developed light hocd, cause i worried i was gay. Though i didnt have thoughts or anything i still obssessed and worried. But it eventually died down. During high school i didnt pay much attention to people. Its probably thanks to porn that i didnt bother noticing the girls around me. It was during my last year of high school that i started to get intrusive thoughts. Like when i was talking to my male friends i would get ideas about kissing and other things. I was confused, i would often than internally ask myself if i was gay. I would always say no. I rationalized that the thoughts were product of all the gay stuff i see in media. Since i tend to hold onto things i dont enjoy. I also figured i needed to find a girlfriend, which was difficult do to low libido (i could only get horny for women on the internet) and an anti social attitude. The thoughts continued through my first years of college. They got worse as time went on. I never desired a guy. I remember getting an intrusive thought about a male professor that made me very confused and worried. Than it kicked into overdrive in 2015 when one day i said some actor was handsome and in that moment my confusion took over completely and i was all "why did i say that?" "Am i gay?" "Only a gay guy would say that". For the next month i had severe anxiety. I could not eat sleep use the bathroom. I couldnt look at a guy without freaking out. Things calmed down by next month. Though i was still freaking out and trying to tell myself i am not gay. I learned about hocd and discovered that i had a lot of the symptoms. I am still trying to get a therapist but i probably live in the worst area for mental health help. Does any one think my whole problem could be porn induced? I never have been attracted to a guy in my life. I dont hate gay people, but i hate thinking gay things. The worst part is that i am used to it. Im sicked to death of it. Is it HOCD? I don't want to be gay or bisexual. Whenever i pictured myself with a woman it seemed natural and good. The idea of being with a man is something i shove away in an instant. Is there hope for me? Could NoFap help? I started Nofap (i tried a few years back and failed miserably) this year. I have fapped far less than before. My brain is now giving me ideas about telling people i am gay and i hate it. I don't want to be gay. I believe i am straight and that is what i want to be. At times i feel asexual. Right now i think i am experierncing the flatline. I hate looking at guys, but i feel nothing when i look at girls. Will i get better?
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2019
  2. DogDaysOfLife

    DogDaysOfLife Fapstronaut

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    There are a lot of people here with this problem and I try to help a little bit.

    "Feeling asexual" - you may be low libido but I don't think you're asexual. The thing about PMO is that it makes you less aware of your own attraction to others. And then with flatline it's even worse temporarily. Your lizard brain is basically in revolt about not getting its fix of naked lady videos. So it throws a tantrum and says "FINE I'm just going to pretend to be asexual for a few weeks."

    And on HOCD. I'm a bisexual, or at least my brain is. I feel about certain men the same way I feel about certain women, that is to say I think they're attractive. It isn't a source of worry for me because I know it's true. With HOCD, you know that you feel attracted to women and not men. But you give way too much power to intrusive thoughts, by dwelling on them and worrying they indicate your sexuality. If you have a thought like that, try to let it pass because it's not something that you need to dwell on.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019
  3. Samaya

    Samaya New Fapstronaut

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    Hey Jackson, I feel for you man, I have had an intrusive thought disorder before and know how unpleasant that is. My situation wasn't about my sexuality but like you there was a deep fear that was driving it all... and to begin to recover I had to really learn to be still with the fear so that I could just step back and relax when it was present, observe the patterns, study it's roots. I'm still doing this. The thoughts come back every now and then but they don't throw me around. It's fascinating. Mindfulness meditation is a useful tool to use for this sort of investigation. I also saw a therapist and this is a good idea if you can find one. There are many online these days also.

    I notice that some men are good looking/handsome/beautiful and I would say they are attractive. I've been curious a couple times and watched gay P. I don't believe that makes me gay. I do believe that if we were all honest, that our sexuality is a vast spectrum rather than a binary gay or straight. Nothing you've shared makes me think you might be on the more gay side of things. Quitting P will definitely help bring clarity back to what you are naturally attracted to. Keep up the good work.
     
  4. Xaviar.marshall

    Xaviar.marshall Fapstronaut

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    Hey bro i am going threw the same thing....i also have gotten used to it....the thoughts began to produce less of a reaction in me which scared me...i to loved girls as long as I can Remember I started to freak out and look up things like internalized homophobia ..and comming out stories to see if this was hocd or not .....i didn't find anything that led me to believe that I was gay.... then I began to wonder if all my memories that I made with falling for females and constantly being nervous around females was fake and I had always been gay and had not noticed it....what if I was gay and porn made me like girls..those are the questions I asked myself...idek if my memories are real any more man I have not been diagnosed with hocd same as u I showed and shared the symptoms..of hocd
     
  5. ArrowEdge1000

    ArrowEdge1000 New Fapstronaut

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    I'm going through this too. It's so scary. Questioning whether you've been lying to yourself your entire life cause all you feel now is just... nothing.

    To get through, I just try to remember that, eventually, this will just be a bad memory. I remember all of the girls who I have genuinely loved - and I mean loved - and felt so incredibly strongly for. And how real it all was.

    I don't what's gonna happen to me or how this will last. But believe me, you guys aren't the only ones going through this. You're not alone.
     
  6. Jackson Rorschach

    Jackson Rorschach Fapstronaut

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    I also wanted to make one thing clear. I have NEVER watched gay or transexual porn. Unlike many others i have read about. It just grosses me out.
     

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