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[HOCD] gay fantasies, absence of straight line, doing NoFap for no reason since I'm probably gay?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by qazwsxedc, May 3, 2016.

  1. qazwsxedc

    qazwsxedc Fapstronaut

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    That's it. I feel like I wont enjoy a straight relationship, feel like a real woman wont ever get me hard. On the other side, I feel like I could easily do gay sex. Now, there's the thing, It's not only about gay porn, it's also about gay sex.


    I'm actually feeling bad as hell. Tomorrow I have a very important test and I just don't care, I'm much more worried about all this.
    I think I'm gay. I liked girls in the past, but my sexual brain is probably totally gay. Right now, gay fantasies get me hard easily, while I don't remember ever having such an easy erection to a straight fantasy. I feel like I can't do this anymore. I've been trying to fight HOCD for 5 months already, 2 weeks ago I was feeling like I was going to reach an end someday but now I'm feeling so bad.
    Also I feel like the only thing I need to do is to accept my gayness. Looking at my other posts, it's clear that I'm in fact getting more and more on the 'accepting' point. My very first post looks just like someone with HOCD, but right now I feel like I'm not straight anymore. When I imagine a girlfriend, and I've been imagining anything related to sexual orientation a lot in the past 5 months, I just feel like it's a lie.

    Also, I've been without orgasm for 30 days and without porn for 42 days and I don't think I've had that flatline yet. Maybe it wont ever happen because in fact I'm like this not because of the porn but because I'm genuinely gay.
    In fact, I can still get hard to woman (but it's not a hasty uncontrollable boner, I need to want it to have it), I just dont care anymore. The boners to gay thoughts have so much emotional charge, like the "I'm getting really aroused by this... then this means I'm really gay - panicking" while the straight ones are simply "yah, I got hard... but I can also get hard to gay shit" and there it goes.

    I just need to share some thoughts, since I feel like I'm just trying to lie to myself doing the NoFap and trying to win HOCD. Damn I used to imagine myself on hard situations, thought like I'd be a hard-to-break person but this HOCD was hit kill on me.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2016
  2. My man, stop beating yourself up with "am I gay, am I straight" and just be. Chill awhile. Percolate, mate.

    You've only been off porn a bit over a month. Focus on being YOU, and let all this sex business lay fallow for a time. We are not defined by this stuff. Stop seeking to be defined and start seeking to be happy.

    We all make much too much these days of everyone's crotch business. It's at ridiculous levels permeating media at every turn. Knackers the hell out of me just watching everyone twirl and flail over it.

    Focus on your job, your schooling, your family, your friends, your hobbies, and being clean of porn influence, and let life flow as it will.
     
    qazwsxedc and traveller22 like this.
  3. iRebootMyself

    iRebootMyself Fapstronaut

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    Look man, if you were gay, you would have accepted it already, but you and your mind are fighting with each other.
    Many with porn-related HOCD got cured after 2 months and you didn't give yourself the full chance..
    I understand that you are out of patience and you need your life back quickly, but you must know, young people take longer time than usual.
    A lot of guys here are suffering from HOCD because of porn.
    If you want to accept the fact that you are gay, accept it and no problem, but i have a doubt that you're gonna believe it either.
    If you want to chat with me it's okay, at the end we need to support each other
     
    qazwsxedc likes this.
  4. traveller22

    traveller22 Fapstronaut

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    I agree with the comments above. You need to try to chill out about all this for a while. Continue doing everything you can to defeat PMO in your life for good.

    The rest will sort itself out. You don't have to nail your flag to a mast - "I'm gay" or "I'm straight" - right now. Pass your exams. Work on the important stuff that's on your plate.

    PMO has messed your head up & it will take time.

    Strength & patience!

    T22.
     
    qazwsxedc likes this.
  5. It may be just the "forbidden" nature of such thoughts that excites you.

    If your eyes are drawn to women when you're out and about, then you're straight in my opinion.

    And yeah, don't be in a rush to label yourself.
     
    qazwsxedc likes this.
  6. I agree with the above comments. PMO does f*** up the brain and it takes time to overcome this. Labeling yourself on a sexual identity during the stage when you have not fully recovered is not wise.
     
    qazwsxedc likes this.
  7. incredulo

    incredulo Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry but I kind of disagree with the other participants. I know because I went thru hell thinking about similar situation. I got in here and I asked a lot of questions because I needed to know, I needed some reassurance that I was straight. And when I sat down and read all those messages I realized that I was straight and all I needed was some male bonding. I started my counter with confidence and I have felt great knowing where I stand. If you have any question about my personal situation and what my problem was you can e mail me at [email protected]. I hope you do well in your test. And I am telling you you will feel better and you will be able to start working on yourself to get rid of your addiction
     
    qazwsxedc likes this.
  8. qazwsxedc

    qazwsxedc Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys for worrying and helping me so much. Also, I did well on my test I think.
    Actually, I've been looking at guys recently and noticing how beautiful they are, which I don't remember doing before HOCD, at least not with average guys. I know it's normal to notice very nice looking guys around even being straight, but now I'm just noticing everyone and I can't tell if I'm just noticing how they look or if I'm really attracted.
    Also, I think I always knew that I wouldn't get hard easily in real sex, I don't know why. Doubting whether I can get hard to a woman in real life or not, specially without using the hand to help, is a thing that has been in my mind for a while now, more than a couple of years definitely, maybe because I always used the hand to get hard to porn. But I fear that I would be able to get easily hard on gay sex. I really hope this will be fixed by staying away from porn, but since I still didn't have the flatline, I'm afraid it wont work.

    I'll try to go on with everything my head puts in front of me now. If I see a nice guy on the street, and my brain says "oh dont you think he's so fuckn cute?" i will try to say "yes i totally want to date him" and i'll try and see where it goes. Beating me saying "ok this is some hocd thoughts dont think dont think" is not working as it seems.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2016

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