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HOCD from porn addiction or am I in denial of being gay?

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Corman13, Feb 26, 2017.

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  1. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    I agree. I'm not gay, so perhaps I have no right to answer. (I think it would be fine if you were)

    My tastes in porn aren't same sex either. But I do know what it can be like to watch porn and be in love with a concept to the point where you don't know if you want something in real life or not. (I've come to realize that I've never wanted that in real life, it's just a fantasy, but for a long time I felt shame, guilt, and isolation because of it. Turns out its a popular genre these days.)

    What you described doesn't sound same sex oriented to me at all. It sounds like you've been pushing the old PMO train to far. It's hard to have a quality relationship, when you have a demanding partnership already (this case it's to porn).

    In any case, it does sound like putting things on pause for a bit will let your priorities clarify. A reboot will help you do that. Keeping the conversation going here will also help you do that. You would be amazed how much you can process something, once it's been committed to words, and written for others to see.
     
    D . J . and Corman13 like this.
  2. Corman13

    Corman13 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the support guys. I really do appricate it. I just told my Mom what I'm going through and we're gonna go see a theripist to see if we can figure out what's going on. I'm going to stay strong in not PMO also.
     
    D . J . likes this.
  3. Corman13

    Corman13 Fapstronaut

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    I wouldn't mind if I was gay and I have nothing against gays. My uncle was gay and I had nothing but positive things to say about him. My mind is so messed up right now but I do appreciate the support guys. I can tell you guys really do care about the well being of others and that's speaks volumes. Thanks again
     
  4. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Now it a good time to create your journal to track the progress of your journey. Go to the Reboot Logs and find your age group and begin a thread which is your journal and place a link here so that others can find you and encourage you on your journey.
     
    LivinginRecovery and ivanhoe like this.
  5. this is a good point.
    @ the your brain on porn site, there are instances of lesbians who got addicted to straight porn, and all sorts of other unlikely combinations.

    what we created in our mind watching pixels has little or nothing to do with our actual sexual tastes. Sexual stimulation can be used to fulfill other needs, the same way other 'drugs' can.

    OP You may find this article helpful:
    http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/are-sexual-tastes-immutable

    It reinforces what DJ and others have said there- take a PMO break and you'll have much more clarity into your real tastes.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2017
    LivinginRecovery and D . J . like this.
  6. thel00ker

    thel00ker Fapstronaut

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    I Went through something similar with HOCD,
    I would "let go of any labels, consider yourself a sexual person and that's it, if you need a label consider yourself bisexual but don't worry about being this or that, just let go and the anxiety will go away"
    If deep inside your desire is to construct a life around a female partner then you're straight. Gay people feel the opposite way. I've learned that your sexuality is not determined by your turn on, but by your deep life objective. If you can't imagine yourself having a romantic relationship with a guy, getting married having romantic talks, walks, dinner, whatever, and your desire is only sexual then its very likely that you're just straight but having sexual thoughts about guys and thats normal.
    From what i have read (a gay person writing about this subject), gay people don't suddenly realize they are gay, and they don't suddenly realize that have been closeted their whole life, they just know it since they were kids, just as you know that you are straight.
    I have had great turn-ons with gay porn, and when I relapse I generally fall back into gay porn, but the times I have had sex, or have become really interested in someone sexually, its been with a girl and its been amazing. I have also looked at guys, and appreciated their bodies for example and questioned myself if i was getting turned on or not. Intrusive thoughts will come and go, I just tried to relax and accepted the thoughts: gay, straight or whatever as they came. I think it made me a much more sexually open person, instead of labelling your thoughts as gay or straight just label them as "sexual" and enjoy thinking about anything or anyone you want.
    Remember that your thoughts don't determine who or what you are, Mindfullness is a great practice in this case.
    hope this helps
    good luck!
     
    Garou99, LivinginRecovery and ivanhoe like this.
  7. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    I stole a great quote from somewhere. Your post reminds me of it. "The object of my arousal is not my identity. Otherwise we would all be pornosexuals".

    It made me laugh. So had to share.
     
    Garou99, LivinginRecovery and ivanhoe like this.
  8. thel00ker

    thel00ker Fapstronaut

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    haha thats a good one, if you're laughing about it, it means you are getting more relaxed about it too. thoughts have a lot of power only if you let them. have fun man! good luck!
     
  9. Corman13

    Corman13 Fapstronaut

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    Whats up everyone? So it's been about 2 months since my last post and honestly, overall i do feel better but theres still a lingering feeling with those gay thoughts. I've had really good days where i know i'm not gay and really bad days where i just wanted to fall asleep and accept that i may just be a homosexual. I have relapsed on porn quite a few times to prove my heterosexuality but hasn't gotten me far. feels good in the moment to masterbate to smoking hot milf but the thought quickly arise shortly after. i even just sat at my computer and watch gay porn with no touching to see if i got aroused. i'm happy to say i didn't but it definitely did trigger me to go watch straight and lesbian porn. anything that will get me off without thinking about a dude i guess. i'm learning to accept my thoughts as thoughts and not really me. I close my eyes and repedtly tell myself that i am gay and i need to accept it. Whenever i do this theres always a faint voice in the back of my head say "no you're not" and i get a deep feeling that i am not but cant seem to get rid of the thoughts. I'm trying here and whoever else is dealing with this you're not alone. my fight has been progressing but theres always speed bumps along the way. it's hard and i'm on the verge of a new job that can potentially pay me pretty well. I need to figure this out asap. I've told multiple people about whats going on and they all say the same thing, "you're not gay"... if i was in denial i wouldn't be speaking about being a homosexual, right?
     
    D . J . likes this.
  10. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Watching gay and straight porn to verify your sexual attraction is like drinking bleach and motor oil to see if your tastes buds are working. You will find your answer but at what cost?
     
  11. Corman13

    Corman13 Fapstronaut

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    I really do feel deep down that i want a hetrosexual lifestyle. Everything it comes with. I love women and even though my attraction has been diminished the last couple months i still feel it everyday. And i try to think about two men or myself and a in shape guy going at it. I feel no arousal besides the attention i shift to my penis to see if i have arousal.
     
  12. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Gay porn or straight porn, do you want either one in your life? What is your current opinion towards M?
     
  13. Corman13

    Corman13 Fapstronaut

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    M meaning masterbation? I enjoy masterbation a lot to be frank. The porn I can do without and my main reason i've relapsed was for reassurance. it didn't help. only by a fraction while in the moment
     
  14. Corman13

    Corman13 Fapstronaut

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    I even try to look up gay dudes in google to see if i have attraction. still nothing except uneasiness and a constant fear that i'm in denial and forcing myself to not like it
     
  15. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    You may find that because of your experience using P, the more you M, you will find yourself being drawn back to P. In many, the use of P links them to M.

    Your journey when reveal how connected P is to M.
     
  16. AscendRestore

    AscendRestore Fapstronaut

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    Hey @Corman13 - I knew by the time (or before) I was fourteen that I was gay.
    But I have met men in their late thirties and forties who have kids but now feel like they were coerced into marriage by familial and societal expectations etc. and are exploring their bi or gay sides. So there really isn't a one-size fits all thing.

    Porn will mess you up. It will interfere with how you respond to another human body. So that isn't the way (even if yes, porn and fantasy was all I needed to realise I was gay). But I now see how it also screws up attraction and arousal.

    Noah excerpts some theorists that may be of some consolation to you. The basic idea is that, as we are humans and share common ancestors with the great apes (chimp, gorilla, orang-utan) we might assume that some aspects of these ape-groups may linger in our genetic code. Apparently it's really normal for heterosexual men to seek out large erect penises in their porn consumption. They argue: that if you're not the alpha male, the best chance you have at having offspring is to become super-aroused when you see the alpha male mating a female in his harem - this super arousal at the alpha's penis and sexual activity might have helped ensure some daring males attempted to breed and inject their seed. Fast-forward a few hundred thousand years and "big dicks" are the 7th most searched for term by straight men in this specific sample. Food for thought.


    My only other advice is just be grateful for your body, for your sexual thoughts, for your arousal. Don't try to label it, control it, suppress it (except for NoFap), or worry about it. If you're turned on by a man's face now and then - just say "okay body, I accept that, thanks" and don't take it any further.
     
  17. LivinginRecovery

    LivinginRecovery Fapstronaut

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    This has been my experience in a nutshell. I really genuinely do feel as if I am gay (due to all the gay porn I have watched) at this point in time however I find myself staring at women, my stomach knots when I'm in their presence. I can't catch my breath when they walk past and eye contact is difficult with the ones who really shake me to my bones whereas with men I can make eye contact all day long and I feel nothing in terms of that kind of emotional intensity. I feel a longing for female contact yet men (at the moment) make me hard whereas with women it's a semi but with loads of tingling to go with it. I may very well be gay and just adore females and that's fine with me. The trick for me is not to let it worry me and to back off the labels for now. If in time I realize that I'm gay then so be it. The answer is I don't know and that's okay too.
     
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