HOCD from porn addiction or am I in denial of being gay?

Whats up everyone? I'm a 25 year old male and I've been struggling for the last 6 months or so with intrusive thoughts about men and gay sex. At first I just brushed away the thoughts cause I found them repulsive. The last 2 months have been hell for me. Heres a little background about myself: I 100% felt and thought I was positively straight for all my life. I have had some weird gay things happen between me and my friends but nothing crazy. We would never touch each other or kiss but joke around with gay jokes that would make us laugh. For as long as I can remember I absolutely loved straight porn. Everything about it. The women were always so damn fine and I couldn't help but masterbate to it. I first discovered porn at a early age. I was at a sleep over and my friend, his brother and myself turned on one of those HBO software pornos. Every weekend we were at my house or his house and always managed to turn it back on when our parents went to sleep and we had the tv to ourselves. My porn consumption had started heavy in 8th grade. That was my first time successfully masterbating and it was the best thing I've ever discovered at that age. As time went on I got really into porn. Everyday after school i'd go online and masterbate right away. Of course some days I wouldn't because of all the traffic in my house. In high school myself and a group of friends would always talk about what female pornstars we liked and what sites we had to check out.

(Sidenote: I've never been in a serious relationship. In high school I had a girl friend my freshman year and we would always talk about how awesome it would be to see each other naked and do thing with each other. Unfortunately, nothing ever happened.)

Anyways, back to my story of living in hell. My porn consumption has always been strong. I wasn't someone who masterbated multiple times a day, (sometimes I would but I never made a habit out of it) but i definelty did masterbate everyday and look at porn. I was one of my last friends to lose his virginity and was always the lone wolf when it came to dating. I always loved staying home and playing video games. Fast forward a couple years and i'm doing the same thing. Once I felt more comfortable in my skin i started talking to more girls. I went from not getting any girls to getting a decent amount. I've slept with over 10 girls but most the time I couldn't climax. I attributed that to my porn consumption but didn't come to that realization a couple years into my lack of climaxing. Don't get me wrong, Ive climaxed a couple of times but a majority of the time I don't.

Ok, now onto what has been going on the last 2 years or so. I met this girl at my local bar and at the time I couldn't stop staring at her. I got her number and we hung out for about 3 months but I eventually ended it because it just didn't feel right. We only had sex about 4 times and I only climaxed once with her. But that wasn't why i ended it. So, this pattern repeated for a couple years. I was having sex with random chicks and still masterbating every day. (i wasn't having sex with random chicks everyday haha) For some reason, I started getting these gay thoughts while having sex. Not so much "gay" but I would start thinking of other dudes faces while I was trying to have sex. It was so weird. My friends and I took a trip to Mammoth mountain and we had a fucking CRAZY weekend. I dropped acid and had a devils 3 way with a buddy of mine. Don't worry, We never touched each other. Only the female that was present. But after that i freaked out that I contracted HIV because this chick was dirty as hell and fresh outta jail.. It wasn't my idea to bring her home. I was hammered and just said yes when my buddy asked if i wanted to join. So for the next 3 months i freaked the fuck out. "I HAVE HIV I KNOW IT.. MY PARENTS ARE GONNA HATE ME" These thoughts led to "Fuck it, I know i have it so i'm just gonna sleep with men the rest of my life because I wont be able to have a gf or wife with HIV." (these exact thoughts were repeating in my head everyday.) I feel into a depressed state and barley hung out with my friends for nearly 3 months. During this time these thoughts i was having made me curious one day to check out gay porn... I tried and closed it right away.. couldn't bring myself to do it. Test came back negative on hiv and i was back to my old self. Jerking off to awesome straight porn and trying to bang chicks. As the years went on I got into more extreme straight porn. Gang bang and anal to be exact. And i fell in love with milfs. Any milf i saw on the street i couldn't stop staring.

Now the last 6 months have been hell. I'm in school and all of a sudden I can't stop thinking about they're good looking or not... It started because my brothers gf said that any Parent (my mom) who had a gay sibling (her brother) is likely to have a gay child if she has 4 or more kids. I have 3 brother. They all started to say it was me. Months went on and the joke that i was gay kept getting brought up. My brother went as far and told some guy who was trying to hook me up with these chicks. He said it in a joking manner but I was so upset. Why would he say that in public? its ok to tease me but I felt so down I hated it. My friends laughed at his joke and now they all have a gay joke to say to me. It's the worse. Last night i told my brother and 2 friends what i am going through and they got upset that I'm confused about my sexuality. They said "you're not gay, even if you are, it doesn't matter..blah blah blah. I felt better after telling them about these crazy intrusive thoughts and that i don't want to self diagnose myself with ochd because i don't want to cover up my denial if its not true. I'm ok with gay people but i don't want to be gay. I started to tell my self "it's ok to be gay, accept it" to make myself feel better because thats what the hocd site said to do. it helped but these thoughts are so gnarly. I'm very into meditation and been doing everyday for 2 years. It changed my life but these thoughts are so heavy. HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW IF I'M IN DENIAL OR NOT. THESE OUR MY THOUGHTS 24/7 FOR THE LAST 2 MONTHS. I CAN BARLEY FOCUS IN SCHOOL. Anything will help me guys. Iv stopped master bating about 3 weeks ago but had a relapse last weekend. I looked up gay porn and started to masterbate to it. didn't really view a whole bunch of it but the thought of gay sex turned me on a little and when i got to the video i fast forward a little bit and by the time that happened my eyes were closed and i was finishing. The next day i tried to do it again but had this have thought about milfs come in and i started to jerk off to milfs. I felt good but i still cant get over these thoughts. I'm about 6 days into nofap and i plan on keeping it going. Any advice guys? I want these thoughts to go away so fucking bad. I'm not sure if i'm repulsed by it or just in denial.....

 

Forgot to mention some things... Last time i had sex i lost my erection and couldn't finish. I was about to finish but stopped because i wanted to go longer. Ended up losing my boner and i think that was a big spike for me.

 

Just will power. I know that I can stop master bating if I put my mind to it. And when I do get the urge to do it, it's cause I'm trying to prove to myself that I am straight. I told my other brother and his gf what's going on and they both reassured me that it's all in my head and I'm probably this way because of my porn habit and lack of relationships. But still, I don't want to self diagnose myself and ever since I started to meditate I've been compeletey honest about myself and what's going on with me. It's just these thoughts are so annoying I don't know what to do anymore. I don't enjoy them at all but I can't tell if that's just me in denial. Every story I've read about gay people is that they knew at a early age they were gay but chose to ignore those thoughts. What's your take on it? Have you ever gotten gay thoughts in your head from watching too much porn?

 

Thank you Thomas, I appreciate the reassurance. Just out of curiosity, what age did you figure that you had attraction towards the same sex and we're you ever in denial about it? Sorry to ask such a heavy question. You don't have to answer if you don't want too.

 

For whomever is gay: what was your coming to terms process like? Was it a sudden realization or a thought for a long time before you admitted it?

 

But was it a sudden realization or did you know you were aroused by men but chose to ignore it. I've seen guys and said they are very attractive but never got a boner from one of them. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a cloud of confusion is in my head and I can't navigate my way out. I've tried to tell myself I'm gay but it doesn't feel right... and when I try to say I'm straight it feels like I'm pressing the issue too much

 

I can't stop thinking about it. It's messing up my focus for school and I'm not sure what to do anymore. I get that I need to let it play out but every coming coming out story has some type of childhood memory of knowing they were different then other kids. For the longest time I've always been attracted to women and then one day my mind gets all twisted. I don't want to look at guys in the face of talk to them... the mind is so fucking powerful that I'm making it my worst enemy instead of my best friend. Fuck this

 

I have no interest in being with a man. Wouldn't someone who likes the same sex enjoy these thoughts?

 

Haha I feel like you just extended your hand and asked me to join the gay side.. sorry but I found that a little funny.

I feel better getting these things off my chest and my anxiety has lowered. I know that I will still enjoy a women's touch, smell, and love but it's so hard to determine what these thoughts actually are. I don't get aroused by them unless I force myself to think about being with a man. Even then it's hard to get aroused. Its like I had this massive attraction for females my whole life and it has someone deminished. I want to make love to women and have a wife and a loving family one day. And I know that possible to have if your gay too. Even before this semester I was happy to get to school and see if their were any attractive females in my class that I can potentially hang out with. I just hope that when I conquer this Pmo I get back to my old ways

 

The only porn I've been really into was straight. I've never gone more than one day watching gay porn and whenever I did try I would always switch it back to straight porn. Last week I got off to gay porn but it wasn't like it was with straight. I didn't really see them do any penetration cause I closed my eyes right when I was about to finish. But these thoughts have been around for close to a year. At first I was able to brush them off and focus on something else, but they were still there pretty frequently. Now all I think about is me being gay. I've never had this thought even as a kid and well into highschool when people find out what sex they're attracted too. I don't get it