His ogling is canceling what he says or tries to do

GG2002 · Jul 10, 2017

sparkywantsnoPMO said: ↑

So I’ve been keeping y’all in my consideration as it’s a difficult situation.

I read your SO’s writings. I can’t judge the honesty of either of your statements, I don’t know either of you, so i’m just going to have to assume both are being truthful.
From his point of view he seems to feel like he’s trying.

Have you ever done an exercise like “don’t think about a pink elephant?” Basically someone tells you to think about anything other than a pink elephant for five minutes. You’ll likely find that you keep thinking and then immediately dismissing the elephant.

Or consider this example. Say you have a compulsion to punch your front door 3 times every time you unlock it. Just a habit you developed over the years. You finally decide you want to change it. Do you think the first time you try your new behavior you’re gonna be perfect? Probably not. You’ll probably take baby steps. At first, you may just punch the door once before you catch yourself, and later you’ll raise your fist but not hit it, until finally you got past the acute part of the habit. Down the road sometime, in a moment of weakness (a really bad day) you might hit the door once, but you quickly recognize what you’re doing and you manage it.

That may be part of what’s going on here. At first, the “shiny object” catches his eye. But it’s what he does after that that matters. Conditioning will take a while.

Perhaps, and as you are the injured party here, you’re not obligated to do this, maybe you two could sit down and agree on an interim behavior at this stage. Maybe he is held to the standard that he can’t stare but you’ll understand if his attention tries to grab him for a moment. Once he gets that down, then hold him to the next stage. If you’re willing, (and if you believe he’s an addict and not just a controlling guy), maybe you help him work his recovery.

Again, you’re not obliged to do this and in all fairness he is still breaking your heart. But it’s an option. If you can find a mutually beneficial goal though, there’s a good chance you’ll both feel better.

Again though, you have a right to protect yourself and thus do what you need to in order to heal.
Click to expand...

I think that a SO could be agreeable to saying when she sees him ogling in a calm voice you are doing it again like pointing out when it's happening in a calm way and hopefully overtime he becomes conscious of it himself. But if you read the comments of most SO the problem is they don't they just keep doing it and saying they are not and so the SO attempting to help is not helpful at all. A thread I see running through of a lot of posts of SO is that we do give understanding we do try to help but when no change occurs at all we cannot be expected to continue. If you are a man in recovery being accused of ogling the best thing you can do is not respond defensively not deny it but validate the partners feelings and tell them you will try to stop and then actually try!

Drew140 · Jul 10, 2017

Trying is not the same as doing. Accountability for actions of lack of actions.

sparkywantsnoPMO · Jul 10, 2017

Drew140 said: ↑

Trying is not the same as doing. Accountability for actions of lack of actions.
Click to expand...

Accountability is key. Progress, not perfection is also I think a tenet of recovery.

sparkywantsnoPMO · Jul 10, 2017

GG2002 said: ↑

If you are a man in recovery being accused of ogling the best thing you can do is not respond defensively not deny it but validate the partners feelings and tell them you will try to stop and then actually try!
Click to expand...

I like that line of this. Whatever it takes for this couple to build a path to work together on this recovery gives a good chance of success, as well as growth together.

Kenzi · Jul 11, 2017

My SO, the last time he seriously ogled.... I asked a question he simply Could Not answer and it bothered him to a point that he paid so much attention to his behavior he Changed it.
He asked the same questions your SO has been asking and saying, that he did not "feel it" etc and it wasn't happening, I was "crazy"
I had to be incredibly calm.

This is what happened.
The neighbor had a friend over and we were outside gardening.
Mr Rubber neck stopped and watched the convertible pull in, blonde driving and he Stopped cold.
(like I wouldnt notice)
-he about walked into the car in the driveway btw-
She got out, flipped her hair, bent over for her purse, stood talking on her cell a second.. And then walked into the next house.
Took a couple of minutes.
I shouted at my SO when she was a little bit away, "don't be the creepy neighbor!"
"what, I um wasn't" (yeah right)
*rolls eyes internally*
"ok then...
."When did she get out of the car"?
Cuz she was gone.
(he loves to say what he was looking at, Was the car)
He couldnt answer me.
I said, "yeah do realize that a different song is playing on the radio?"
Again, he couldn't answer (the song was almost over.
That's how long he'd been 'out'
I told him exactly what happened.
It was alot for him to process.
He thought he only glanced at her for a few seconds.
He Knew she was there.
About 5 minutes had went by.
He NEEDED to start paying attention in a way he never knew he needed to.

This was his game changer.
This one girl.
If I Ever see her next door again, I'm going to shake her hand.
No joke.

In the same respect, it sucks because my SO truly thought this was something he wasn't doing.
I had to outsmart him.
Show without a doubt, You Are doing this.
And in our case, it was timing.
But it was inarguable.
He's doing alot better now.
His own brain can't argue with being presented with the gap itself.
I hope you have your own revolutionary moment?
I hope that sounds right.
I'm still drinking coffee.
I'm a coffee bug.

Deleted Account · Jul 11, 2017

sparkywantsnoPMO said: ↑

So I’ve been keeping y’all in my consideration as it’s a difficult situation.

I read your SO’s writings. I can’t judge the honesty of either of your statements, I don’t know either of you, so i’m just going to have to assume both are being truthful.
From his point of view he seems to feel like he’s trying.

Have you ever done an exercise like “don’t think about a pink elephant?” Basically someone tells you to think about anything other than a pink elephant for five minutes. You’ll likely find that you keep thinking and then immediately dismissing the elephant.

Or consider this example. Say you have a compulsion to punch your front door 3 times every time you unlock it. Just a habit you developed over the years. You finally decide you want to change it. Do you think the first time you try your new behavior you’re gonna be perfect? Probably not. You’ll probably take baby steps. At first, you may just punch the door once before you catch yourself, and later you’ll raise your fist but not hit it, until finally you got past the acute part of the habit. Down the road sometime, in a moment of weakness (a really bad day) you might hit the door once, but you quickly recognize what you’re doing and you manage it.

That may be part of what’s going on here. At first, the “shiny object” catches his eye. But it’s what he does after that that matters. Conditioning will take a while.

Perhaps, and as you are the injured party here, you’re not obligated to do this, maybe you two could sit down and agree on an interim behavior at this stage. Maybe he is held to the standard that he can’t stare but you’ll understand if his attention tries to grab him for a moment. Once he gets that down, then hold him to the next stage. If you’re willing, (and if you believe he’s an addict and not just a controlling guy), maybe you help him work his recovery.

Again, you’re not obliged to do this and in all fairness he is still breaking your heart. But it’s an option. If you can find a mutually beneficial goal though, there’s a good chance you’ll both feel better.

Again though, you have a right to protect yourself and thus do what you need to in order to heal.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for putting so much effort in supporting us. That's what we need, and that's what we're here for. Your suggestions are very much welcome and they are very... considerate. You are trying to help both of us, and that's what is very much needed and appreciated.
I know my posts sound angry sometimes. Well, I am angry sometimes. I need as much healing as he does, if not more. All the past traumas are being magnified by this situation we're in right now. So far we have survived 4 agonizing months after the D-day (and many more D-days afterwards). There is not one day that our life is not affected by this.
We have also learned so much withing those past 4 months. I doubt I would seek healing for myself if it were not for this new trauma, and that's a good thing. He, on the other hand, well... he can speak for himself ;-)
Anyways, we have bad days, and we even have an occasional good day. I am still hopeful and I know he is too.

AlexDHRO · Jul 11, 2017

I am a 32 single guy who ogles (i never knew that word till now). I catch myself doing it and i don't like it. I try to look away as it happens, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. My sight is immediately drawn by the look of somewhat good looking women, no matter the age. I particularly resent it when its really young girls. I feel like i have no control over it and its not doing me any good. I feel like maybe its a symptom of loneliness. I used to do it when i was in a relationship too. She was very judging and trying to impose her views of what a boyfriend should be on me all the time. You mentioned about how your husband is trying to get a glimpse if you are checking him out and that he looks resentful. That is how i used to feel with my ex, like she hated my guts for my shortcomings. Im not a wonderful example of a man, but im not a horrible person either. I try to be aware of my flaws as best i can and correct them, and i feel lonely an alienated when close ones don't support me in that, but instead judge me. Try to look at your husband as less of a villain an more like a suffering person.
Hope this helps a little.

tundycat · Mar 13, 2024

Damn, i'm here reading through all of this nearly 7 years after the last post was made and wondering what has become of this couple... coincidentally i met my SO in Aug 2017 which is just one month after the last post was made, and we find ourselves in a similar situation (I am the SA who can't stop ogling...) - anyway I hope you are all well and I found some of the responses along the way somewhat helpful. I guess I will continue trawling through this site looking for answers/suggestions, and I pray that I can kick this behaviour as it is causing both of us (my SO especially) a lot of pain and anguish

kropo82 · Mar 26, 2024

tundycat said: ↑

I am the SA who can't stop ogling […] I will continue trawling through this site looking for answers/suggestions, and I pray that I can kick this behaviour as it is causing both of us (my SO especially) a lot of pain and anguish
Click to expand...

For a while I kept a list of useful threads about this in one of my journal posts (here). It's out-of-date now but you may find useful stuff. It was a probelm I faced too, but I'm more-or-less over that now.

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His ogling is canceling what he says or tries to do

GG2002 Fapstronaut

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sparkywantsnoPMO NoFap Moderator & Yeoman

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