His ogling is canceling what he says or tries to do

I'd probably be in the same boat. Once my PA,as in porn asshole, told me that he looked for porn that had women that looked like me....bwhahahahahahaha....ffs did he think that was supposed to comfort me or did I not know I wasn't a black lesbian, 19, dirty school girl, or a transman......point being I honestly did not know everything , I had to keep pulling it out and finding it for myself bc he'd feed me lines of bullshit like candy. It wasn't until I found all the pegging, forced bi etc etc crap that I knew he was just completely mentally f-ed. I had a girl on here write me and say don't be surprised if he didn't experiment on himself and look for irl hook ups.....check check..... but his little porn cooked mind liked Craigslist bc it was free ,illicit, not monitored ,and easily accessed. All of the latter I'd not known about until I ran my own little episode of candid camera. I mean I ALWAYS knew ....his side comments and behaivors didn't lie. Like everytime I said something about my ex he would say oh set him up with a 19 year old....could it be porn propagates that a 19 year old girl is the ultimate...I mean she's probably the most experienced virgin ever who has just been dreaming her whole life of a porn addict of her own....w t f...... ugh.
These guys just don't get it. Truth is truth. No digging for the crap and when you want to know x they need to tell you about x,y, and z.
I don't have or want kids, but there is no way in hell I'd put them around kids. I used to be a police officer and I can still remember this one case where he'd purposely seek out women with kids..... same guy who also said he started out with "normal" porn and then we seized hundreds of hours if not more of kiddie porn. That was my only life experience with a porn consumer.....
Until....

 

I think this might be information that can lead to real danger. I believe you do need to know if he was into paraphilia or abnormal sexual behaviors. I also believe you need to know if he ever acted out in real life. I believe you are entitled to know the breath and depth of his addiction. I believe you are entitled to information that will help you make decisions. And I believe you are entitled to open and honest communication.

However, I believe there are details that can lead to more harm than good. Our porn viewing habits are not a reflection of our true selves. In some instances the themes or genres of porn might give insight into past trauma. But mainly addicts move from genre to genre looking for the next exciting thing. It does not mean that is what the addict truly wants to do in real life. While in the 'trance' something may be arousing, but once the addict come out of the trance they may feel disgusted by what they just watched. Asking 'Why do you find this filth so arousing' can genuinely lead to an 'I don't know' answer.

Addicts are TERRIFIED of being judged by what they used to watch. The last thing they want is to have their fears of being a horrible, unredeemable person confirmed in the eyes of their SO. If there is a judgment-free zone then the addict might more readily confess. But always ask yourself, "Do I really want to know the answer?" before you ask the question because you can never unknow an answer. And do not ask withthe intention of imitating his fetish or try to bring his 'fantasy' to life. Your sex life should not remind him of his porn life.

Lastly, I think ogling is one of the last trait from an addict's old life to disappear. All methods of feeding the addiction might have been cut off but the addiction is still hungry. Ogling is an attempt to feed it or the addiction's way of taking what it wants. It can also be viewed as an unhealthy 'compromise' because it's real life and not clearly inappropriate. It is a perversion of what is natural... an addict loses the ability to distinguish between looking and ogling and ends up objectifying whatever comes within their visual range. Taking a vacation to the beach might be the worst idea for someone rebooting... camping might be a safer idea. But regardless... if it's bothering you then he will have to try harder.

Again, I hope I'm not coming across as justifying any of this behavior. We'd all like to get rid of it. I'm just pulling the curtain away so you can see the inner workings of an addict's mind.

 

You are absolutely entitled to a calm and open discussion. While I was addicted I avoided talking about anything that might touch on my addiction. Communication was a minefield. Staying nothing was my go-to response. My poker face became my normal expression.

I had to learn to trust people I loved again. I had to learn to be impervious to the opinions of people I didn't respect yet still speak up and defend myself. I had to learn to take the initiative in communicating. As an introvert I am comfortable with silence but I had to learn that too much silence creates distance. These were all skills I had to relearn that others take for granted.

I hope that not only can you learn to trust your SO, but that your SO learns to trust you again and open his heart to you.

 

What you are doing is totally wrong. It seems that you aren't feeling his pain, instead of encouraging him and supporting him, you are making him disappointed. You need to understand that he doesn't want to look but his desire is stronger than him. You need to help him, never make him look down. Do you think that there's any point of what you are doing? I wish females would understand how much the pain we males feel, our desires are mostly like an addiction or even more.

 

Please ignore people like @I will win They speak from the point of view of someone with an addict's brain. People with a damaged pre-frontal cortex (I.e. Addicts) forget that people OTHER than the addict in the scenario need support. Their ability to feel and express empathy is suppressed. They speak out of pain, ignorance, and self love.

In this situation, being a mom and significant other to an addict, you need to see yourself as that plane passenger when cabin pressure causes those oxygen masks to descend.....put the mask on yourself, Then the kids....and lastly the addict who isn't helping anyone but themselves.

A healthy relationship is made up of two imperfect people trying to do their best to love, nurture, and care for the needs of one another. Your man has only been caring for himself for quite a while. Don't you dare feel bad about feeling whatever it is that you are feeling. HE is responsible for getting his head on straight and becoming the partner in life that you deserve. An equal, supporting partner.

 

Are you calling me a selfish person? Are you saying that I am speaking out of pain, ignorance and self love? It's you and the people like you who are selfish, you only care for yourselves. It doesn't matter how he suffers, how pain he feels and how disappointed he feels, but the important thing is make his gf happy, while he might burn. Right? Isn't that what you want?

 

@WifeInTheDark is my wife and everything she has said was true and accurate. While I was addicted I did not deserve love, encouragement, understanding, and empathy. She tried those things and I took advantage of all her compassion. All active addicts take advantage of others around them in order to support their addiction. I was selfish and all men who are in relationships, who are addicted, and choose to not do everything in their power to get better are selfish. Do you know what cut through all my delusional thinking? It wasn't love. It was an ultimatum to shape up or she was shipping out. One SO here once referred to it as a 'frying pan to the head moment'. I needed a rock-bottom moment to wake up.

Even while rebooting I was on a short leash. I had been hurting my wife emotionally for 17 years. I needed to fear her walking out the door with a single relapse. She did not deserved to be hurt even one more time. It was my time to be loving, encouraging, understanding and empathetic to her. This new version of myself was worthy of good things.

There are a lot of men in relationships who are trying to reboot that are taking advantage of their SO's patience. Some genuinely need time to figure things out. But a man needs to take primary responsibility for his own recovery with or without his SO's help. Many men stubborn and proud and try to do it their own way before seeking help from people who have answers.

@novibe's husband is trying to recover but is still hurting her by his behavior. I believe she has shown enough love, understanding, and patience. She is has every right to come here, create a thread, and vent her feelings without someone telling her her feelings are wrong. To invalidate a woman's feelings is to cause more injury. And to call my wife selfish when I was the selfish one shows just how much you don't understand what it means to be a woman in a relationship with an addict.

 

My friend, everyone has a different option, and I apologize if I offended your wife. I didn't mean to, but what I meant was that wives or gfs should at least understand that men don't want to do that. I know how it feels to be a woman in a relationship with an addict, but women also need to know how it feels to be an addict. The women who are addicted knows it. If both a man and a woman were addicted and became couple and both of them discovered that the other is watching porn or masturbating, would they hate each other? No, because both of them knows how it feels to be an addict. And again sorry for being mean with your wife.

 

Can't agree more! Couldn't have said it better!

 

How are you making all of these judgements as to which people he looks at count as an 'ogle' and what is simply looking around the environment that he is in? Whether or not you see them as an attractive female and thus a potential competitor for you SO's attention? It seems like you are filling in a lot of the blanks for yourself here, in an anxious, angry and paranoid way that seems to involve at least a little projection on your behalf. I am not trying to say that it isn't happening, but to claim that you know exactly what someone is up to, subjectively and in the privacy of their own mind, you are deluded. Perhaps it is better to assume the best case scenario, that no deliberate ogling is going on and that there just happen to be people that you, personally, have judged to be attractive and that you would like your SO not to stare at, have entered his field of vision and caught his attention. If any deliberate and prolonged ogling is clearly taking place, confront him. For every ambiguous case that could go either way, give him the benefit of the doubt. For your own sanity.

 

As a SO whose addict partner developed a habit of ogling after he stopped pmo I can assure you that there is a big difference between looking and ogling. As a woman who has been ogled by men I can even assure you further that there is a difference that's quite visible to everyone else but the person doing the ogling. My partner was so bad that my Mother, my brother and a coworker all called him out on it without knowing anything about our situation. So while I would agree SOs are particularly sensitive I think it's doubtful they are making it up or overreacting. I think an addict in recovery particularly one who has also lied to his SO needs to be very aware of their behavior. If your SO says you are doing it don't just dismiss her pay attention!