Hi

Hi.
I've been using the app and reading occasional posts for quite some time but I feel it's time for me to actually start engaging.
So my story summarises as I'm a 36 year old guy with a wife and 3 kids. I first started trying to kick the PMO habit in 2012, just before I got married. My last day of P was in May 2016, but the MO remains a problem. My best streak against MO was about 7 months, but within that my best real streak with no edging or anything was 66days.
Since 11th Dec, I've been back to my pre-NoFap regularity with 3 days being about the average streak. Still no P, which I'm grateful for.
My relationship with my Wife still exists, which I'm very grateful for but it's under strain. My work life is poor with my habits and productivity being at about 10% of potential. My internal narratives and tendencies are contradictory and sometimes I wonder if I'm just trying to destroy it all to get back at myself.
It's weird, but I feel like I've created a shell that I'm perfectly content to rot in.
Some days I look in from the outside and I see a life that I am very proud of and grateful for. I have an amazingly strong and supportive wife, 3 healthy happy kids, my own health, lots of family and some friends nearby, a beautiful house complete with weird dogs and a faith that all supports me.
Other days I feel like an absolute failure that even with all these things I can't make a responsible, disciplined man out of myself.
I understand that the pity party doesn't stand out as a good way of moving forward. That being said, stuffing everything down isn't working anymore either. Things like anger, harsh judgements, critical mindsets etc are additional stumbling blocks. This has been a very humbling journey so far and recently I've started having conversations with God saying that I just can't do this on my own and telling him to use my life because I can't do on my own.
Anyway, to try to finish facing forwards - I am here to start creating myself in the world as a force for good, to become a respectable man with self control and to get to that "one day at a time, forever" mindset that seems to be the hallmark of successful recovery.
Nice to meet you all and thanks for having me.