Hi, my name is Alessandro.

I am a 20 year old male from Italy, Rome. I study psychology at university, i don't know really why yet, but most likely because i'm trying to sort myself out. I come to know this website from a conversation between a podcast host (StevenCrowder) and a creepy looking guy named Gary Wilson, author of the book "Your Brain on Porn". From that conversation, i first heard about this blog, but i have to admit i'm also following his own forum named "YourBrainOnPorn" so i guess this is going to be an open relationship with you guys and girls. Anyways, going back to the topic, i have to say i always had a tendency to addiction or, more technically speaking, a tendency to depression. This led me to waste 14 hours per day, 7 days a week for 5 years of my life behind a monitor building my virtual life at the expense of my future, in which i'm put today. However i battled and slayed that addiction, i felt strong and confident for a little bit until the point i found out that it was just the peak, an extreme manifestation of a more deeply rooted mechanism concealed in my mind which i will have to fight for the rest of my life. The problem was sorting out how to identify this corrupted file im my mind, how could i examine critically my psyche using my own consiousness? How can someone examine a corrupted system using the same corrupted system? It has been 3 years since i don't touch a joystick (what a fucked up name to describe a piece of plastic which anchored me to a seat in the darkness of my room for so long) and during this time i've come to the conclusion (later reinforced by listening to Jordan Peterson's lectures) that the best indicator to that hidden mechanism is the physiological sensation of weakness that you experience when you do, say and more generally act out something which makes you feel weak. After a year of breaking free of my addiction, i started dating the pretties girl at my high school. She is the best thing i encountered so far, she has beautiful big golden eyes embedded in a perfect face: her big white smile of pure whitness,highlited by some fleshy red lips is what i now associate with the term "love". I have my most beautiful (and often first) experiences tied to her image. She is my first love and she was my baby. I made that relationship last 1 and an half years. It ended 4 months ago. The old me took over myself, sabotaging and corrupting the only thing real,pure and genuine i encountered so far in my life. I never cared about her till she was gone, i severely neglected her and i was kind of emotionally abusive at the end of my relationship and i fear i was just projecting the hate i felt for myself towards her. I think my situation now can't be expressed in better words than the ones Otis Redding used in his last song on the album "Otis Blue" of 1965: "You don't miss your water" so check that shit out it is painfully beautiful. Going back to me again; now i'm depressed and i can't focus on my exams: i can't study because she is in my mind 24/7. I have intrusive toughts that both arouses me or makes me feel sad. I'm trying really hard not to fap because i feel that right now, i need every little bit of drive and self discipline to become a better man but after PMO i have 10 minutes of numbness where i feel i don't crave her, therefore i don't miss her so god damn much. When i was with her i didn't really masturbate so often, but now i'm doing it 3 times at day. This is obviously something which makes me feel weak and that i want to eradicate COMPLETELY from my life. As psychologist William James said, writing is an excellent form of laying out thoughts, so i look forward to recive and give back to you guys, exchange opinions and experiences. I want to be a part of this community because even if not all of us are challenged in the same war we are fighting the same battle at the very least and this is enough for me to consider your opinions valuable and your support golden.
22 March of 2018. NoFap: Day 1.

Alessandro.