Hi. I'm Mindfawked, And I Have A Problem

Hi All,

I'm here because I have a masturbation/porn problem. I first figured out porn could be a massive problem about six years ago, but I never fully committed to getting off it 100%. My longest streak was either 137-157 days with some sex interspersed in there, but I used pills to get me hard (also I partied A LOT back then). Two or three years after that, I had my first adult girlfriend for three months. I failed to get hard for her twice without pills, then I was fine for the duration of the relationship and she never complained; when I asked her she said there was a minor difference when I was on the pills but it wasn't really worth noting. The pills are kinda like gaming the system anyway. lol

As of this writing I'm 30.5 years old and I've been single the past 2.5 years. I'm here because I want to commit 100% to no porn, masturbation, etc., because I think I still have erection problems. I attribute at least SOME of this to having never fully wired correctly, and who the hell knows but there might be a slight degree of physical problem (keratinized helmet) although I'm willing to bet good money 90%+ is all mental.

What's kind of triggered this is even though I don't party much anymore, I got loaded a few weeks ago and binged the following day with porn while hungover. What's odd is, I've found looking at porn doesn't even turn me on that much anymore. Granted, this might've been due to the hangover, or being a bit older now, but I've been kinda panicked. I went and got my first-ever non-sports physical from my doctor that I can remember a few weeks ago, and told him about my ED. He did a testosterone panel (but it only showed my total T levels; my free levels weren't included) and oddly enough, my total T levels have increased almost 200ng/dL or whatever the standard unit of measure is in America for testosterone compared to when I was tested at 25. This didn't make any sense to me because I was doing heavy workouts 4-5 days a week back at 25 and now, within the past year, I've relocated halfway across the country and minus some outdoors stuff, I've been rather sedentary. But ay I'll take it so long as I'm not getting ball-cancer.

So it would appear all my hormone levels are fine as far as I can tell although I do have a small nodule on my thyroid so my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) score was quite low, but not low enough to diagnose hyperthyroidism; and I also have slightly elevated LDL (literally two points into the "high" category) and elevated cholesterol levels in general compared to 3+ years ago although total levels are only 160 (the danger-zone is 200). So I reckon my PIED is just that; PIED and not a physical problem. Further physical information: I have high metabolism (and/or sub-clinical hyperthyroidism I suppose judging by my TSH) and have lost 25lbs over the past two years since I *HAVEN'T* been working out regularly like I used to. I lost about 5lbs during year one, then this past year I lost the other 20lbs due to a combination of what I assume is 1) not working out much at all [year 1 I was still working out regularly] and 2) massive stress due to a) losing my job shortly after relocating halfway across the country due to trying to hard to be one of the guys at the new company and getting trashed and doing something stupid and b) getting the 2-for-1 special in STD's about 6-7 months ago due to i) having difficulty with condoms, especially when drinking due to past heavy porn use and ii) being an idiot and not using a condom. Unfortunately, the PIED has made condom use a nightmare without pills. Thankfully I'm STD free now and I'm not making that damn mistake again. If you're gonna hit raw, get to know the chick first and have a little Q&A session. It ain't as good as you both getting to know each other for at least a few days or weeks, getting a commitment to monogamy and getting tested and seeing each other's results, but it's hell of a lot better than raw-dogging a drunk club slut you've only known for like 2-3 hours. Anyway despite that being an epic nightmare, I got myself cleaned up and Sgt. Peckerwood is fine now in that regard.

So moving on, as of writing this post today, I had tried to go back on the 90-day challenge a couple weeks ago after binging but half-assed it (did some start/stop masturbation during the second week to test out my pecker when I was getting fairly decent morning wood or some light stimulation from me would trigger rather decent morning would albeit nothing to write home about) and I cracked at 14 days, which is today. Mostly this was because I was concerned about the semi morning-wood. When I jerked off today, and my assumption is this is due to the start/stop routine, I blew my wad before even being like 80% erect. I freaked out and have decided to go hardcore; no fantasy, no touching my junk AT ALL unless it's to whip it out for a girl, to wash it, or to take a piss.

On the bright side (and no, from all the material I've read about this problem, I do *NOT* recommend this for the vast majority of people) after work today I came home and masturbated. But no porn, no edging, no fantasy. I'm seeing a therapist, and I inadvertently did something he mentioned in my last session when I brought up the ED, anxiety, whatever. I practically meditated while masturbating e.g., I didn't fantasize about a girl or think about much of anything at all. I had random thoughts pop into my head while I literally stared at the Gerber logo on my freaking toilet, and I was impressed that I achieved probably an 80% boner by doing that within a couple minutes. But what's insane is, I started thinking about this hot neighbor chick I saw outside as I was walking into my apartment while I was masturbating, and that produced a DECREASE in uh... erectile strength or whatever.

Anyway, I'm not gay or anything and no disrespect to people who are, but I thought it was odd. I finished at probably 70-75% strength (which is WAY better than this morning so I don't suppose I need to trip balls like I did when I woke up) because I heard edging is awful for your brain so I didn't wanna go all that way and end up feeling worse by not finishing. It would appear my therapist may be onto something; I'm *WAY* too stuck in my head and think way too damn hard about stuff when trying to have sex, and I think that messes me up. Granted, I do all this thinking around/during sex from a consistent history of sexual performance anxiety/various failures and from having looked at porn and having jerked off (a lubeless-jerk many times even) too damn much in my formative years when I was socially crippled due to helicopter parents.

I'm probably not as bad off as many of the people here at this point although I guarantee you I've been where you've been before. Compared to jerking off in many cases multiple times a day to hardcore porn 5-7 years ago, I've only jerked off like once a week and typically without porn, although with lots of fantasy (unless it was a binge where I'd jerk it to porn like 2-4 times in a day; but those days are rare), and that last porn binge two weeks ago or whatever was the first time I'd looked at porn in at least 6-8 weeks.

But I feel the need to commit 100% to NoFap so I can maximize my erectile strength and stop being an anti-social bitch and go out and meet people; especially women as I've determined since my last girlfriend and I broke up that I actually wanna take the risk to have a family.

Anyway I'm kinda anti-social at the moment due to concerns about Sgt. Peckerwood not standing at full attention when I need him to. It's embarrassing and kind of a vicious circle. I have some questions I'd like to ask the community but is this is the correct post to do it in or should I make a separate post for each question in the appropriate forums? Thank you for reading this tome and for all your support.

 

Hi TheGoldenEra -- thanks for your support. I'll be posting some questions regarding peoples' reboots and when they noticed changes as well as what kind of changes they noticed. I also just started a journal. You can find it here.