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Hi guys. This is who I am.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by pathetic jerk, May 4, 2019.

  1. pathetic jerk

    pathetic jerk New Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys. This is gonna be a long introduction, because I'm seriously messed up.

    It's time for me to be a member here on NoFap. I didn't want it to have to come to this but I just have to try something new. I've been trying to abstain from masturbating for around the past year. My first quit date was 05/19/2018 and I lasted 146 days, up until 10/16/2018. Then I abstained for 54 days. Then I relapsed on meth, caffeine, etc and it took me a while to bounce back. I went 32 days once, and recently I've been relapsing on masturbating every 10 days or so.

    I'm a heavy addict. I'm playing an abstinence game with myself where I am abstaining from 9 different things - methamphetamine, alcohol, cannabis, masturbation, cigarettes, abusing OTC/Rx medication, junk food (including chocolate, peanut butter, sugar, artificial sweeteners, all desserts), caffeine, and other nicotine products. That's the exact order in which I prioritize my addictions. Masturbation is the FOURTH most harmful in my opinion - even more harmful than cigarettes and caffeine.

    I'm sorry to say that I don't have such a great attitude going into this, but I will try to remain constructive throughout the rest of my post. I'll try to stick to the point even though there are so many details and offshoots that I think are relevant and important about me.

    I don't masturbate to porn. I don't even fantasize about women really. Sometimes I'll fantasize about getting a handjob, but usually what arouses me is just looking at my genitals, admiring them, paying attention to the sensation of touch, and just being fascinated with ejaculation.

    I think very poorly of myself and feel very guilty after masturbating. I think that masturbating is for losers. I just think, whenever I'm masturbating, some other guy out there is getting a handjob from a female. Who's the winner? The latter guy of course.

    When I had 146 days, I felt superior even to those guys getting handjobs. I thought that they probably wouldn't even be strong enough to abstain from orgasming that long. See for me, this has a lot to do with my self image and my opinion of myself. I have some kind of superiority/inferiority complex and I make up my own standards as to what makes someone superior and what makes someone inferior.

    After I've abstained for at least 8 days, I start to feel powerful, masculine, etc. At that point I consider taking it further and start thinking "now I want to abstain from having orgasms entirely, even with a female partner. Now I want to abstain from sex until marriage. But I might be okay with getting a handjob...?" I have a history of being obsessed with these handjob fantasies that never came true for me as an adolescent - I resented this for a long while but I have since been moving on and improving on dissolving my resentments and regrets.

    I just masturbated last night. This time, I cut a hole into the bottom of a stuffed animal my ex-girlfriend gave me and penetrated it as if it were intercourse. I think I lost control of my urge because recently I've been having meth cravings and I thought, if I was planning on using meth, abstaining from anything else wasn't really important anymore.

    Still, I've got to crack down on suppressing my urge. I did it once for almost 5 months. The only reason I relapsed that time was because I bought some new hair clippers which had a very strong vibration, and I thought, I can't live the rest of my life without having been brought to orgasm by a vibrator. But I was emotionally crushed for weeks afterwards.

    My goal is to permanently stop masturbating. I need to stop caving after 10 days. Even after that time I got 32 days, I caved for nothing. It was nonsense "just do it" kind of event. It's like my whole plan, my values and beliefs about masturbating just get thrown out the window and some apeish garbage filthy instinct of mine just wants to get off anyway.

    I don't know if I'm going to stick to being a member here. I'm having a really hard time mentally right now and I feel like my attitude sucks. I'm normally a great guy. Maybe this is just some way for me to vent. Who really knows anymore.

    I'm happy to elaborate on anything I've left unclear or which is in need of elaboration.
     
    Foxhole, cns and ThisIsANewAcount like this.
  2. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry no one welcomed you sooner.

    You are not alone! Lots of people here know exactly what you're talking about.

    By the way, I'm sure you are a great guy! And may I suggest, you don't think about "forever," just think about this day, today. One day at a time, as AA says.

    Keep coming back, and if I can help, let me know.
     
  3. Jerky

    Jerky Fapstronaut

    Congrats on 57 days. I too have other addiction. I've been clean for 10 monts and 8 days from marijuana. Alcohol even longer. I no longer smoke cigarettes but use an e-vape to get nicotine. Caffeine fuels my urges to M so i do my best not to over indulge. M makes me feel awful. P is just degrading and always leads to M.

    Today i look forward to gaining more self respect and confidence as i remain abstinent each day.

    Recovery is definitely one day at a time. I believe that is the only way long term recovery can be accomplished.

    Stay strong
     

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