1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Here we go again SOs, should the addict disclose his addiction or hide it?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GG2002, Mar 16, 2018.

  1. Exactly. I was open about my alcoholism and when I got sober, I told my partner that if I ever drink again, you are to leave me immediately. Do not hang around for my excuses and promises. I need the pain, I need consequences in order to change. I would never tell a new bf that I was a social drinker. I'm not. When I drink even the smallest bit of alcohol, I become a lunatic. Then again GG, I take full responsibility for my addiction.
     
    ShyMonk555, Nugget9, GG2002 and 3 others like this.
  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    842
    2,515
    143
    @TinaK I was the same way, before I got into a relationship with my husband I told him about my anorexia, sexual trauma's and PTSD, and self-harm. I told him before he made his decision about me. I said if he wants to be in a relationship with me, this is what I have in my life, this is what choosing me means. It means not going to restaurants with calories on the menu, I'm a picky eater, so it also limits restaurants, I can't be around certain cars without triggers, I can't do certain things sexually without flashbacks, I was upfront because I wasn't stuck in shame. I accepted my anorexia, self-harm, and sexual trauma's and PTSD and gave him the choice as to whether he thought he could handle that in his life.

    If you're an addict, if you have anything that impacts a romantic relationship, it should be discussed before real commitment happens, just simply out of respect for the other person.
     
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    @AnonymousAnnaXOXO @TinaK exactly. The thing that needs to be revealed is the addiction and it’s no different than any other addiction. The most important part of that revelation is addiction. So talking in general about porn use is burying the lead. Many women are perfectly fine with porn use but not an addiction. So if talking about how they feel about porn use in general is an attempt to figure or feel out if she will be accepting of an addiction it’s not likely to be effective. Just because you are fine with porn does not mean you are fine with addiction.
     
  4. Ahhh Anna, my heart really goes out to you. I've work with vulnerable women, many of whom have had sexual traumatic & abusive experiences. They are so strong and resilient at the same time. I can't even begin to imagine the impact this must be having on you now. Especially as you're already healing from the past. To have insight into this and then be upfront right from the start is a true testament of your maturity & integrity. And no-one can take those from you X
     
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    one thing that is often wonder about those that say they will only tell if asked is would you really? Or are you just saying that banking on the fact that you are unlikely to be asked? Because if you are comfortable enough being honest if asked why are you not comfortable telling without being asked?
     
    Jennica and Deleted Account like this.
  6. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

    1,031
    1,795
    143
    What information does saying your're an addict give to someone? If this is the only information that is needed, wouldn't that imply that PA's all exhibit the same characteristics/symptoms? What characteristics define all PA's?
     
  7. And the irony of this is that the SO is going to find out anyway. In our case, his PIED had already been a problems years before he and I met. The first time we tried to make love he had ED. After a few failed attempts,I asked him straight out of it was linked to porn use and he became vague, said he wouldn't do it anymore "just in case". Nothing changed other than my naive belief that his ED was due to earlier abusive relationship. So even if I had've asked, he still wasn't ready to face it which is why he minimised it for so long.
    If any PAs are reading this, please don't do this early on to your partner/potential partner. Nobody is saying porn or masturbation are bad, but when you prefer it to the one you're supposed to be faithful to, you are doing her an injustice by not telling her. She might be cool with it. She might be okay with an open relationship. Or she might want to find a man who would choose to make love to her before opting for P & M. The PA doesn't just affect the addict, it's also toxic to many SOs self-esteem, feelings of self-disgust, lack of trust and, ultimately, internalised despair. And that's what you'd be asking her to sign up to. You should get her consent first.

    Love and light to all X
     
  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    That you are an addict, I am not sure why you are making this so confusing. Dictionary.com definition of addict “a person who is addicted to an activity, habit or substance.” http://www.dictionary.com/browse/addict “Pornography addiction is an addiction model of compulsive sexual activity with concurrent use of pornography despite negative consequences to ones’s mental physical emotional or financial well being.” Wikipedia. Of course not all porn addicts are the same, not all people are the same. But an addict is an addict is an addict. The key word is ADDICT. The information that it gives me is that the person is or was addicted to porn despite negative consequences to them or the others around them. Either you are an addict or you are not an addict. If they then have questions you can give them all the information they want to hear. But you will never get to that point if you first don’t tell them you are an addict. You are trying to split atoms here to avoid saying the word addict, but that’s the word that needs to be said, no matter how you spin it. The amount of time you are spending trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to avoid having to say, what is actually what has to be said, is crazy. If you own the fact that you are an addict, and you own responsibility and do not feel shame, we would not even be engaging in this debate because you would just tell. What’s the first thing they say in AA? My name is X and I am an alcoholic, why do think they make them say that? To own and admit to it.
     
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    And this is what this post is all about. Please do not do this to a potential partner, please just be honest. No one wants to be put into hell without at least consenting. And why the addict would want to put someone in that hell just so he could be with someone is beyond me.
     
  10. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

    1,031
    1,795
    143
    Based on that definition I would not refer to myself as an addict as I feel it doesn't accurately describe me. I would still want to discuss P use with a perspective partner though.

    Good point. This thread doesn't even apply to me (I'm married) and I am hopefully never going to be dating a new partner again. I found the thread interesting and I perhaps became overly drawn in towards thinking about how I theoretically would respond if in a dating situation again. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

    Agreed!
     
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    Since you are already in a relationship then the addiction questions for you would be does your “habit” effect your life and relationships in a negative way. Have you been asked to stop your habit by someone that you love, and refused or were unable to do so. Did you continue with the habit despite your partner being hurt or upset or in pain? Do you place the habit above the feelings of your loved ones? If your wife thinks you use too much porn, it does not matter if you are an addict or not, you stop because she’s hurting. If she’s fine with your porn use, then you have no problem. And should you ever divorce and get back out there and start dating again I think the issue above will be moot. Most women are going to ask about addiction and porn early on.
     
  12. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    Very very true. She’s going to find out so let it be from you. But the addicts true belief is that she will never find out, that’s what his addicted mind says.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Exactly
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Oh, and to be completely fair... In may I will be a recovering addict from drugs for 18 years.
    Which I completely disclosed.
    A addict is a addict is a addict.
     
  15. Well done, Kenzi. One day at a time X
     
    Nugget9, TheGoldenEra and GG2002 like this.
  16. TheGoldenEra

    TheGoldenEra Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I'm gonna be dead honest, I do kinda dislike you from the last run in we had @GG2002 but right now I agree with you.

    I think the only time this addiction can be kept hidden is only if you quit. Then there's no need to mention the past right? Would you talk about you ex''s. I highly doubt it. But if you're still addicted af, they deserve to know.
     
  17. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    842
    2,515
    143
    @TheGoldenEra So do you believe "past" addictions don't need to be disclosed? (btw addicts have their brain wired for addiction for life no matter their sobriety, they always are at risk for cross-addiction)

    Even if my own stuff was years in the past, it's important to disclose so that the person you are wanting to commit to has All the necessary information to make an Informed Choice. Disclosing you have an addiction and have been X days/months/years sober is important. Some people don't want to adjust their lifestyle to fit an addicts lifestyle.

    Addicts have to live every day choosing recovery as priority number 1. If they're an alcoholic, no bars. If they are a drug addict, no drugs. If they're a porn addict, no porn. These things affect relationships no matter how far in the past it is.

    What happens if the person you're wanting to be with is a heavy drinker/drug user/porn user and you yourself are an addict in recovery and have had a good amount of sober time. If you don't disclose your addiction, that person can actually bring you back into the addiction unknowingly with their behaviors. Some people would never date alcoholics because they love alcohol, other's love weed and wouldn't want to be with a drug addict. When it comes to porn there are varying opinions and feelings. Some women love porn and want to watch with their partner (which they can't have that if their partner is a PA), or there are other women who don't want porn in their relationships (and they would need to know about the addiction so they know that being with the addict in recovery means that porn could one day enter the relationship because of relapse).

    Informed Choices are so important when entering a relationship. If you don't lay all your cards out on the table, that's not fair to the other individual, it's tricking them to be with you. If you've been dating for months and want to become serious, they will feel anger and betrayal if they learn down the line after years of commitment from a relapse that the person they "chose" to be with is an addict.
     
  18. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

    1,031
    1,795
    143
    No.
    Yes, this is my situation. She's OK with it but P use bothers me. I think P has no benefit and life just seems better without it.
     
    Deleted Account, Numb and Jennica like this.
  19. TheGoldenEra

    TheGoldenEra Distinguished Fapstronaut

    @AnonymousAnnaXOXO I guess disclosing past addictions all depends on the situation. Depends on the girl, how far into the relationship you are, how far you want to go with her. I personally would allow vulnerability around her. And most of all she probably deserves to know.

    But I can understand others perspectives, e.g she flat wants to break it off with you because she can't accept you for your past and the things you did. (Though you may have not done them in x amount of time)
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    I second the well done. The response to needing to reveal you are an addict then appears to be by many that “I’m not an addict that does not describe me,” and for many that may very well be true I don’t know them. But I also think many people are just plain in denial. Others may truly believe they don’t have a problem until they get into a relationship and someone else says hold up something is not right here. When you are single you don’t always realize how bad it is.

    What I’ve gathered from all these answers is those that are in genuine recovery or really looking to be there are going to tell and tell early without being asked. They are not going to split hairs about the words or how much to reveal or when to reveal they just are going to tell end of story. They have accepted who they are and have no need to hide it. Those that don’t want to tell won’t. We can spend hours but they will have a comeback or response every time to not tell. In the end not telling is almost always going to be a bad decision and just as bad for the addict. If you are not ready to tell stay single! There is no need to share your misery!
     

Share This Page