help!!!!

Having sex while in a relationship while rebooting is a personal choice. And once that decision is made it doesn't mean it's set in stone.

People who have porn flashbacks, who are unable to be present when they are being intimate, who are unhappy that real life sex does not measure up to porn expectations, or who experience intense chaser effects should take a break for a while. Addicts who are always thinking about sex sometimes need to take a break from thinking about sex. Addicts who would have a strong desire to seek out sex because of a less than satisfactory sexual encounter, who do not react well to rejection, or who have performance anxiety might need a break. Single people need to take a break if their sex life included escorts, prostitutes, massage parlors, or one night stands.

If you've gone a month already then you are past the detox period where the brain releases massive amounts of dopamine anytime it gets stimulated. Also, many sexual side effects clear up within a month. Even if you do engage in sex and your equipment doesn't work perfectly that doesn't mean it's a setback. As long as you have been honest with your partner about the reasons then the risks are minimal. Laugh it off, have fun, and try again later. Focus on being emotionally present and having fun... not on your performance.

As for the rest of your reboot process... so far you have done all the important things necessary to reboot. There is no way to rush it. In fact, many addict tendencies never go away completely. The mind never totally forgets what made it feel good. But if you continue to build up alternate coping skills then your attraction to porn will lessen. Continue to build strong relationships, not only with your girlfriend, but with family and friends. The emotional nourishment we get from others makes the illusion of comfort from porn less attractive. I wish you happiness and success on your journey.

 

So I agree with everything 'I_want_to_get_better1' said....

Here is some practical details that might help with your choices.

I have Delayed Ejaculation. I've never had a partner that could bring me off (even though they tried). I would have to be in charge of my completion (while still within my partner), and might find a weaker experience at the 40-60 minute interval). While I've attempted a reboot of 4 weeks before engaging in sex, I didn't feel any amazing new sensitivity. But I was able to achieve completion, and it was more satisfying (still took 30-40 minutes), and I did feel more connected with her because of it.

It's important to say that at that 4 week mark, I didn't try to not fantasize. I also didn't try to improve my communication with her during so that I could better explore what felt good.

Here is something to help level your expectation. Even if you do go the full 90 days, there is no guarantee that things will 'just work'. This isn't meant to discourage you. Things should feel much better, you should definitely see change and progress. There is a chance that will be entirely enough. However, for me given my age, and other issues with depression/anxiety, I'm also going to have to get comfortable talking during sex, and giving directions. I will also have to practice 'mindfulness' (might have also heard it called 'being present in the moment', which is a practice where you consciously force yourself not to allow any fantasy, or use of memories of porn. In short, I'm going to have to work on my connection with her, before everything is as it should be.

Only you can make the decisions as to what you find works best. However, my choice is that I will continue to have intercourse with my GF during my reboot, even if it isn't as satisfying, and even makes the process take longer. I just don't want you to feel tricked, or defeated if you ask your GF to wait, and think that everything will just 'work' when you do get to the 90 day mark, and feel overwhelmed if it doesn't. Only you can know what pitfalls will trigger you to go back to PMO. But be prepared, that there may be some work that you need to do after this reboot is over. (Look up 'Sensate focus' and 'mindfulness' meditation). It may be you want to try this sooner as part of your recovery. Not everyone can do these, because their relationships are already too strained to try. But having a willing partner that is understanding of these practices can actually lead to a much stronger bond, and doesn't require your ED to be completely restored.

Again, I don't want to cause you any discouragement. Part of the reboot can also be a chance to let your penile tissue repair itself if there is any damage that your PMO style may have caused it, and if you believe there is any, giving it the longest you can before putting it back to work is a good thing. Still it might be helpful to understand and start study of what other practices people have done in combination with NoFap, just in case.

 

This is an actual phase that we go through after detoxing. Here's a link to a page on Recovery Nation that has a subheading that explains the emptiness phase. We are so used to being in a hyper-excited state of mind that feeling calm and balanced actually feels abnormal. Compared to our porn life, sobriety feels bland, emotionless, and unstimulating. We are used to feeling things in extremes - extreme highs and lows - and this new normal can feel like a barren wasteland. Just be patient and this phase will also pass within a few weeks.

When we PMO'd we were able to have complete control over all the variables surrounding our sex life. We were able to consistently and reliably repeat the same process in order to feel a certain way. Real life sex is rarely perfect, unpredictable, and can be downright scary. We trusted the PMO ritual. We might have lost faith in performance and we might not trust our partners are going to be understanding. Part of recovery will involve losing that fear of the unknown. Like I said in my last post... if you are rebooting together then focus on being together and having a good time. If you are having larger issues of insecurity, anxiety, and excessive people pleasing then you need to address those as well. Sobriety is not simply abstaining... it's about dealing with whatever issues lurk below the surface.

 

I feel that I'm in the exact boat as you Harry. I have the same issues, and it's why I'm doing NoFap reboot now.

I will share some ideas that seem to be greatly helping me. (I'm continuing sex with my partner during reboot, and she is aware of my efforts)

I read in several different places about the false importance of the orgasm and ejaculation. It's not that it doesn't matter, but we have attached our ideas of worth, and built our style around achieving that for our partners and ourselves. For people like you and I, we feel broken because we can't or take exceptionally long to reach this place. And it's confusing because we could with PMO. The point of that is that in pair-bonding (strengthen our relationships), its not as important how we finish our session as how we spent the time together. The idea is to change the mental definition of our success, so that we aren't stressing about if or how soon we reach 'O', but just focusing on what is feeling good. It's the idea, that "I wan't to be with you, and it will feel good, and I will be happy no matter the ending". Turns out that many women in long term relationships do this all the time (and are happy about it). Again the idea is to focus on what feels good, relax, and don't try to force an outcome. (I've done this and I can say I felt good about that night, even though an 'O' or ejaculation didn't happen). We did feel stronger as a couple for it. The idea again is for us not to feel broken, and not see sex as a challenge to our self worth, and a race to the finish line. Strangely enough it sounds like most progress in sex therapy comes from learning to 'relax', rather than pushing towards a goal. (Even strange enigma in how our erections work, they are a combination of the tissue 'relaxing', while increased blood flow fills the space)

The next idea was 'being present in the moment'. Its the idea that you consciously choose not to use any fantasy, or memories of erotica, during your session. Since I was wasn't confident in giving feedback to my partner, and sometimes limited by not being in the best shape, or numb from a PMO session that had happened too recently, during my sessions with partner I would often try use erotica to overcome this, until I felt the familiar stirring. The idea is that when you do that, you're giving yourself a chance to find out what is feeling good or bad, and it puts in you always in the drivers seat (where your partner can't just take care of you). I've had one session where I intentionally practiced 'being present in the moment', and I felt some amazing sensations, and felt a bit more confident in guiding her (either through voice, or with my hands). (This is core in the practice of 'sensate focus'.) The one session alone like that wasn't enough for me to reach 'o', that way, but the feelings were there, and I just had problems relaxing to allow it. In short, I could tell even in that one session what a difference it made, and while it might take a bit, I can tell it's absolutely going to work. (BTW, she was rather excited about this as well. While the completion didn't happen, she definitely had me on the edge, and she felt pretty jazzed for having such an visible effect on me)

The final idea that seems to help me. (Seek your pleasure first, or Seek your pleasure first (equally). A psych said that those of us with Delayed ejaculation often try to make up the difference to our partners by trying to make sure they are 'taken care' of. We feel bad for our lack of immediacy, so we try to counter it by creating 'quantity' for our partners. The idea is that the dynamics are better when both people are seeking their pleasure, and that the act of delaying seeking your pleasure creates a situation where emotionally withdrawing (to give to your partner) instead of being equally present. Relationship experts site that couples must both give and receive, often for those in our situation, we feel guilty or selfish for trying to receive, and it's holding us back. For those with ED, it's the idea that not everyone has true ED, but instead many of us with PMO issues, require longer periods before we are aroused. With out being aware of this, and trying to get to a point where you are satisfying your partner, and end up with a less satisfying/or disappointing session for yourself. Seeking your pleasure first, in this case is finding what gets you aroused with your partner, and successfully negotiating for that. (this can be as simple as needing more time) (Seeking your pleasure first doesn't mean abusive behavior, or that you have to give up on being gentle, or that you ignore your partner. It just means you put your priority into seeking your pleasure (which is what is happening PMO, and why we might be so successful there). (The one session I had since learning this was weird to me. I kept chanting this, and it ties into 'being present in the moment'. I did notice my erection was a bit stronger, and I felt a bit more confident in directing her for my pleasure. I can't say it was immediately successful, but it does feel different, and requires some faith).