HELP recovering addicts: what videos, audiobooks helped you with your recovery and SO

Here are some links to some short videos made my *** on youtube.

Evidence that NoFap works: www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4j2d7iLWsw&feature=youtu.be
Success that comes from doing NoFap: www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oM6wDxaXI0&feature=youtu.be
How to overcome addiction: www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKEyggTTis8&feature=youtu.be

www.fightthenewdrug.org describes how porn affects the brain, relationship, and society using lots of pictures and videos.

There are many people who find reading books or journaling non-therapeutic and find the activity stressful. But there are other ways to express ourself without reading or writing. Some people have found art very therapeutic during their reboot. Does your SO have an affinity for playing an instrument, drawing, painting, or photography? Might he be interested in exploring one of these areas? Might he be interested in taking a class? Here's a list of hobbies he might like. Art can be a means of finding a healthy hobby AND an outlet for emotions.

 

Tagging @whyte - videos (vs. books) above

I have the names of a few books and will get the info posted here. I have have to find the authors.

 

Thanks for the video link above, as my husband prefers videos as well. We are searching for some regarding empathy and will share if they are helpful to him.

We are currently reading this book together:
A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction: A step-by-step plan to rebuild trust and restore intimacy by Collins & Collins

There are exercises to do together included.

I bought for myself (and haven't started yet): Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How partners cope and heal by Steffens and Means and there's a workbook to go along with it for partners: Healing and Joy by Means

At some point, I am going to read How Can I Forgive You? The courage to forgive, the freedom not to by Spring (author of After the Affair)

The important thing about where an author / speaker is "coming from" is that they are trained in the trauma model for spouses/SOs. The "older approach" is a co-addict model and that isn't appropriate for traumatized women who are completely in the dark with secrets of their partner. A co-addict model for alcohol addiction may be appropriate b/c often the partner is an enabler, for example. This model isn't helpful for sex addiction.

 

@WhoIsThisPerson - This is a good video regarding empathy: http://www.soundmindmiami.com/empathy-sex-addicts/

If you find any, maybe you can share with us too?

 

In the Shadows of the Net by Carnes, Delmonico, and Griffin is good. Anything by Carnes is good actually

 

It's possible that Carnes is good for the addict??? I don't know, but I have been cautioned to stay away from his approach for the SO/spouses bc he believes in the co-addiction model vs. the updated trauma model for partners.

Some partners with therapists using the "old method" have experienced therapy-induced trauma as the approach tends to blame the partner. It's a much different addiction model compared to something like alcoholism, bc the partner knows w alcohol, and frequently, the partner isn't aware w sex addiction and the discovery is highly traumatic and shocking.

 

Hmm, I haven't run into that, but will look into it. Thanks

 

@Noobotron52 - Here's one link for a different perspective on Carnes. Just FYI - I am not trying to prove anything, or be "right", and I'm in the learning process too, and just trying to share info, help others and be helped by this community. I experienced some therapy-induced-trauma after a marital counselor met with us a few times (she was supposed to be THE expert in our area). Anyway - it was HORRID for me. Wrong approach.

Information is like a buffet; take what you want and pass on the rest. Just thought I'd share this though.
https://sisterhoodofsupport.org/an-...unselors-and-sex-addiction-12-step-advocates/

Apparently, some people feel Carnes is now saying he uses the trauma model, but really isn't???

 

Wow, I had never heard any of that. I was going of of a therapists reccomendation. Thank you for giving me more to think about

 

There is so much shame and often guilt for the addicts, that, YES, feeling "not alone" is supportive.

There's much less support "out there" for spouses and SOs. If we choose to stay in the relationship or not, we still have tremendous emotional pain, trauma, self-esteem issues, etc. that need to be dealt with so we can start putting ourselves together again. It can take years.

If you find any good resources @WhoIsThisPerson - please share.

 

A better explanation of the out-dated "co-addict" model and some more resources for anyone following this thread and also sharing with @whyte :
Quoted from the link (below):
The co-addict model says a person who is married to a sex addict is sick, out of control, addicted to their spouse, and implies she is partially to blame for his behavior, simply because she chose to marry a sex addict, even though the vast majority of the time she did not even know he was an addict.

Symptoms of PTSD have been shown to mimic symptoms of co-addiction, but still most therapists are sticking to this outdated model which is doing great harm to partners. So does that mean there is no hope in finding a good counselor to help a woman whose world has been turned upside down by the discovery of her husband’s pornography or sexual addiction? No. But it may prove to be more challenging than it should be. Below are some tips I hope you will find helpful in finding a counselor who will offer you the validation and guidance you need and deserve.

Link:
http://www.mkrecoverycoaching.com/2014/06/08/seven-tips-wives-sex-addicts-looking-good-therapist/

 

Another book I recommend reading is found in my signature. The Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior by Craig Nakken.

I know you weren't necessarily looking for books but this is a short one and talks about what all addictions have in common. Some people don't want to read directly about their addiction and feel it's too confrontational... this is more of an indirect way to talk about what might be going on in his head. It is a short book and it was written around 1988 so it doesn't talk directly about online porn addiction but all of the symptoms/thinking/reasoning/behavior are right on the money.

It opened my eyes to what I was doing and why I was doing it. Most of the advice I share comes from that book. I'm not crazy about the treatment ideas but it absolutely nailed all of my behaviors, routines, rituals, and fears.

 

Some books that have helped me on my journey so far, one thing to note is that in my experience, these types of addictive behaviours are covering up some deeper problems. Often insecurities or inabilities to process emotions sufficiently, forcing a disconnect from people close to you. Also, masturbation is a habit. A habit is formed through a trigger, routine and reward and understanding how to replace routines and rewards has helped me break the connection to arousal/boredom/access/alone/etc. to porn and masturbation has been vitally important. These books have helped me understand habit, trust in the process, embrace my weaknesses and improve my self-worth - I hope they help you too;

The Power of Habit - Charles Duhigg
The Practising Mind - Thomas Sterner
The Power of Vulnerability - Brene Brown
Love yourself like your life depends on it - Kamal Ravikant

I will be looking into the book by Nakken, sounds like could be a valuable resource and perspective.

Good luck, LP.