HELP! Newbie here, so overwhelmed and sad.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I found out about husband's addiction at 19 years in. I guarantee you that what you have discovered is just the tip of the iceberg. He has not told you everything.

Don't jump into leaving just yet. It's too soon to make big decisions. "Experts" say dont make big decisions for a year but everyone has a different time line. It could be a year, it could be 6 months, it could be 3 months. My point is that at this moment you are reeling and in emotional upheaval and no big decisions need to made right now.

The first thing to do is set up some boundaries for his acting out behavior and create consequences that fit. Hopefully he is on board and willing for the sake of his marriage and his own well being. He may also look at them as though you are trying to punish him. But you aren't, they are emotional, mental, and maybe even physical protections for you. They are ways to bring about positive change for both of you. Some examples are: accountability software on all his devices, no more phone in the bathroom, no lying to me ever, etc... I will include some links at the bottom to help get you started.

Also encourage him to come here and get involved, find an accountability partner, a CSAT therapist, and a 12 step program with a sponsor. He will need these tools to be successful in recovery.

You may also want to join the private Significant Other Support forum here that is only for spouses and significant others of addicts. Here is that link.
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?groups/sos-significant-others-support.18/forums

There are many here ready to support you along your journey.

Boundaries:

http://adammmoore.com/2014/06/12/defining-and-enforcing-boundaries-in-sexual-addiction-recovery/

http://awiferedeemed.blogspot.com/p/our-plans.html?m=1

 

Well...this is a loaded question. There were signs over the years, like you mentioned you saw. But we had one giant Dday in Oct 2016. It tapered but he didnt fully quit and continued lying for a good year. He did try to stop during that time - a little - but neither of us had the tools to know how. Im over simplifying for brevity's sake, but finally in Jan 2018 I asked him for a full disclosure and he gave it to me. He came clean about absolutely everything. It was necessary for my healing. It isn't necessary for everyone. It's a very personal thing. He has been sober and in recovery since Feb 2018 with a couple of minor slips.

 

First I want to say I am so sorry you found out about it like that. Your right, it can be truly shocking--to the point of being traumatic.

One thing to be aware of is that drip-fed truth can really create extra harm, because it can turn out that he was 'lying while telling the truth.' (Drip fed truth is when they say, "This is all there is to it," only to find out more later.) When I hear guys use the words yours did, my gut tends to think drip-fed truth may be happening soon.

This is one of those things I've hear men say a often. But my response has always been, "If it's so easy for you to get climax, why do you need porn?"

I agree with GhostWriter, it's a red flag that he refused to show you his screen.

I'm not hating that your husband was embarrassed at first, but please be aware that the more wives find their voice in this, the more guys tend to go from embarrassed and sheepish to angry and resistant.

 

PA here. Some of what you wrote resonates so I thought I would comment and maybe have a slightly better outlook for some details (and less so for others)

1) I would not worry about porn hub not being the right web site. There are a number of sites that our quite interchangeable (and run by the same company if I recall)...pornhub is the most common name and describes the idea better than some....I went to a different site that would have been less descriptive but same junk.

1b) Not showing you his screen, to me, is an indication of his shame....if he said pornhub, he's probably not trying to mislead you....just hide his shame. There are of course exceptions that might be trying to mislead you AND hide his shame. Shame is a very big thing for some of us to get over. We can't be honest and open until we do. If you do one thing, let him know that you won't shame him further, and that being open and honest will help.

2) I would be very concerned with the sexting the woman from another country, especially if you don't feel that the aftermath was real. Men can rationalize porn but most (not all) don't view interaction with a real, specific, person in the same way as porn. (those that do tend to be, in my opinion, the guys that go to massage parlors and prostitutes).

3) I think if he threw out the DVD's when you were dating, he probably did, but so what. He could buy new ones and the internet is a worse alternative. I have made the same promises to my wife, throw out the DVDs and still broken those promises later. We PAs can still be trying and doing the right thing at times.....even if we fail later.

We know the promises we made, we know we have broken them, it doesn't mean we never meant it and never tried to be better at those promises than when we are at our worst.

4) The goal of working on PE is a rationalization. I have thought that too. I have my doubts that it will all work out better with no PMO (ie PE goes away) but I now see the rationalization for what it was. The PMO never really helped, although the hope that it would could be real.....ignoring the fact that it doesn't help and continuing with the PMO is the problem. If I have PE after this "reboot" time, that just means I need to satisfy my wife first.

5) Full honesty is the biggest issue. Porn can be debated as a moral issue....many men obviously view it differently than women for example. But, lying about it is a huge problem. The lies I see as likely are the once a week comment (esp. with the hour in the bathroom regularly), only for 5 years, and maybe only porn. Bottom line: You get to decide what he discloses, but I agree with avoiding drip disclosure. He should be willing and open to answer any question you have....such as what other sites he visits. If you want full disclosure, Ghostwriter has some guidelines. Just ask.

My wife never asked for a full disclosure, but once I really "got it", I would willingly answer any question now. Hell, I'd go up in front of an audience and answer any questions (reluctantly, but I would) if I was asked.

6) He has to want to drop porn. He has to accept that it has hurt you and your family. He has to decide to put you first. He has to separate the goal of dropping porn with anything you do or don't do.

My situation was that I nearly "got it" about 2 years ago. I was ready to really commit to dropping porn and turning towards my wife for my needs. However, my wife it turned out was much less willing to support those needs than I expected...I was hurt (still am) and angry....and I returned to PMO because (I justified) my wife let me down. I only finally "got it" when we went through a few cycles of dropping PMO, getting disappointed with my sexless marriage, returning to PMO....eventually I realized my wife isn't going to be there to help in the way I expected. Then it clicked.....I can't use her as an excuse to go back (and she said as much). I have to do this for myself, it is all in my control. The problem with the sexless marriage is still HUGE, but it's not the same problem as the PMO. Dropping PMO will stay a goal even if our marriage doesn't, a sentiment you will see from others here too. Taking full responsibility really helped me view the pain I have caused and apologize without blaming or minimizing. Being honest helps with the shame. My wife can look up anything I write here if she chooses to.

He. Has. To. Want. It.

Invite him to visit this site. Watch the "great porn experiment" tedx talk with him. Let him read some of the devastating stories here, invite him to pick a goal and start on it. And see if he does. If shame is a big issue, ask regularly about how he is doing and get tools to check on the truth....the shame of 1 days slip up will be lower than 2 weeks of PMO. But, finding a real accountability partner that isn't you is best. Invite him to look into SA groups. I haven't done so myself, but I still might.....they would be more comfortable for me than trying to open up to "someone I know" but still interacting with real people. This forum or counselors can work too. But, once you lead your horse to water, you can't make him drink. That will set you up for failure.

It is not hard to want to drop PMO. It is harder to REALLY want to drop PMO, and it is harder still to drop PMO without some type of failure....know that and be prepared to give some grace if he is really showing commitment.

I hope for the best. If he does join here, let us know so we can show some support.