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Help me. Pornography is destroying my relationship

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Indira, Dec 20, 2017.

  1. Indira

    Indira New Fapstronaut

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    Dear all, I'm writing here because and I am a little bit loss and I need any kind of help. I am a girl who almost one year ago started going out with a guy, who is nowadays my boyfriend. I love him so much after all this time. From the beginning I detected that our sexual relations wasn't "work" properly. A few months ago I spoke with him about this issue and he told me a lot of excuses and lies, which I believe. Recently, he confessed to me his addiction. Since this moment, he said me that he was trying to overcome it, but actually, he continues to lie.

    Currently, I'm trying to help him to overcome this problem but sometimes (when he falls) I fall with him. I mean, this problem is destroying me. Before the confession, I spent to much time thinking that I'm not attractive enough to him and that our sexual problems were for me. Therefore, now, when I know that he has a relapse, I cannot help thinking that everything is my fault. He prefers pornography to me and that's a little humiliating for me. I cannot do nothing. Moreover, a relapse is synonym of more lies, which I hate. I don't know if I can help him in any way. I am aware that this relationship is hurting me and sometimes I can't help feeling that the break up is my best option. However, as I said before, I love him and in the bottom of my heart I wish to overcome this problem. I want to be with him, but I don't know how or what can I do to help him.

    Anyone can help me please?

    P.S: sorry for my grammar, I am not an English speaker.
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2017
  2. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    First off this is NOT your fault. Your boyfriend has an addiction and has admitted it. Stop blaming yourself, or thinking you aren’t good enough or supportive enough, or attractive enough. You are not the problem, his porn use is.

    I think you have come across the biggest hurdle with your boyfriend, which is him admitting he has a P addiction. It is his self awareness that he has a problem that is the biggest problem to overcome. The next step is up to him, what is he going to do now that he knows he has this disease. He has the choice to continue indulging his addiction or to quit. He has to find the reasons within himself, perhaps you can help him realize the impact it has on you your relationship, and his wellbeing. It will be a tough struggle for him, and you may have to ask yourself is it worth it to you to help him through it. If it is great, but keep in mind he may not be ready or willing to actually give it up. Only his actions will tell you if that is true.

    I think through the resources available he needs to start wth educating himself on the addiction. Yourbrainonporn.com is a good start, and finding an ACcountability Partner is another. You can both find a community of support through NoFap, and I would encourage you both to reach out to the forums here for help. I wish you the best of luck.
     
  3. sakeen

    sakeen Fapstronaut

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    As poster above said, this is not your fault, not your problem. This is his own battle and there's very little you can do to influence it...he has to overcome this through his own internally-generated motives and by reflecting on how his life is.

    You can choose to help but you can't choose the outcome: he may or may not get rid of the addiction and become the person you need him to be.

    Remember, you are your own person too and you have your own goals, family, commitments etc. If this relationship is disrupting this then you need to be upfront with him and tell him that you are considering breakup if he doesn't quite his addiction.

    An ultimatum is very important, otherwise he will think you'll tolerate him forever and he won't change.

    Good luck
     
    Deleted Account, NF4L and GG2002 like this.
  4. Foster2020

    Foster2020 Fapstronaut

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    You are beautiful. You are attractive. The problem is he is addicted to porn. Porn women are not neccessarily attractive just like alcohol and drugs dont taste good in themselves. He has to fight to overcome the addiction himself. Sadly, you can do less about it but I promise you, you also have a decision to make about how this relationship affects you.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  5. ..Anna..

    ..Anna.. Fapstronaut

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    Depends on many aspects...
    Good thing is that he told you. Not everyone does it before caught.
    But what exactly was wrong in your bed? He didn't want that much and you had to initiate or he wanted you always, but usually during the process it stopped working? If first, then he is not that into you and you shouldn't bother to stay there.
     
  6. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Leave! You are not married and you have an easy escape from this hell. You are worth more than this.
     
  7. ..Anna..

    ..Anna.. Fapstronaut

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    Do women leave when a guy has problems at work, he lose his business, his mother dies, when he gets injured in the car accident etc.? No. Women don't leave men in difficult times, usually.
    But this is different... So, you think, if man, for instance, goes to prostitutes while married, wife should support him because he was addicted to them, poor him? If your wife slept with other guys, because it is in her ''genes'', lied to you about all that for years, you would lovingly support her to recover to become a better person? Really? If so, then congrats, you are not like other men, who think that men can lie, cheat etc (because of the nature), but women can't do those things, if so, then she must be dropped.
    Otherwise I don't understand why women should suffer and forgive things, which men, put in that situation, wouldn't tolerate and would kick the woman out of the house...
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2017
  8. ..Anna..

    ..Anna.. Fapstronaut

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    Says a person who most likely lived a secret second life... If you had to hide your porn or even affair, prostitute use, it is YOU who had to stay single, as you can't/couldn't provide this oneness.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  9. ..Anna..

    ..Anna.. Fapstronaut

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    So you would forgive your wife and support, if she would cheat you, lied to you, because she is weak and all the other reason, yes? You can do demagogy as much as you want, but if you are cheated and you don't forgive by yourself, all what you say is useless ;)
     
  10. ..Anna..

    ..Anna.. Fapstronaut

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    Iwi, go to the threads where SO of lying porn addicts tell about their health problems what they had developed because of all that. For you lying, cheating is not a big deal (funny then that you mentioned oneness). Nowadays it should go both ways, not that you are able to bad things, hurt your wife with secret life, but she must support you on anything. What she did that bad to you that she deserves those suffers while you cared only about yourself for years? Where was your oneness when you hided just for your pleasure?
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2017
  11. ..Anna..

    ..Anna.. Fapstronaut

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    @Iwi If person has addiction, in this case we speak about porn and man, once man understands that relationship is getting serious, he should inform his girl about the problem which she will have to face in case they get married. So girl can chose if she is ok to marry that kind of person, go this addiction codependency path and make children together or not. Otherwise it is tricking the girl to involve in something she might not tolerate, free choice of will is taken away from her, because she is tricked to believe in a fairy tale which man has created to her, she has no clue who she actually is about to marry, man knows only her. But if this something positive to you, like how love works, then ok...
     
  12. ..Anna..

    ..Anna.. Fapstronaut

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    It might be beautiful and more connecting from your side if you go this path together, but there is also such a thing about ''trust is lost''. You maybe never experienced something like that, what kind of devastating mental state comes with it (you change your healthy woman to a paranoid anxious creature, which puts so much stress for her body that she becomes sick and can recover only if she gets out of the relationship), that's why you speak only from your beautiful perspective. That's why girl must be informed before the next serious step (marriage, child) to find out if she gonna support it (as there are who would do that) or in opposite it could destroy her, so it is better to leave.
    For instance if man marries an alcoholic woman, he needs to know about her problem before it and then decide if it is a big deal or not for him. Not to be shocked later that he married someone he thought was different person...
     
  13. Tamela

    Tamela Fapstronaut

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    I'm new to this forUm. My boyfriend is addicted to porn and he likes to look at other women and he ended up divorced after 28 years do to seeking out prostitutes. I feel porn has had a lot to do with this Yesterday I found a video of a naked woman He says it was porn but he quickly erased it and it might've been him with another woman I love this man dearly but am I stupid to stay
     

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