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Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lonelybell01, Nov 5, 2018.
Any time! You're the greatest.
If you are not ready to have physical touch then don’t, you can’t force it! That is only for you to decide for when you are ready.
I’m sorry I missed the part that it wasn’t physical cheating. That’s my miss understanding. The only reason I stated Getting tested and not having sex until you see the results.
My husband I took a step back from sex to work on having a deeper non sexual intimacy. We still had some sex but we focused on cuddling (even naked) for skin to skin contact.
We took steps to build emotional intimacy by haveing at first daily check ins with each other. Now that we aer a year later we still only do weekly check ins. Communication, understanding and empathy on both parts goes a long way.
Let yourself grieve, the other things I posted will help too.
Have someone you trust IRL you can talk to.
Selfcare is paramount. Think about the classes and even a healthy way to handle the cycle like my going to the gym. These things don’t change.
I’m so sorry your first relationship is this.
Keep talking and reaching out. You have had some good suggestions from folks. @AnonymousAnnaXOXO has some great threads on resources and I believe @Kenzi has a fantastic thread on boundaries that could help you. @GhostWriter is solid in his breakdown responses.
Bloom is solid as well, but you do pay for it and a lot of SO’s are part of it (most with and some without physical affairs but it’s a great resource for BT). I do apologize for missing the part it wasn’t physical hence my strong point in previous post.
JUST AN UPDATE.
Today my boyfriend is being so honest with me. I am shocked.
Saying things like, "you're so hot right now.", "I want to fuck you right now." And "I have seen ur oanty and ur ass, I wanna grab them."
I don't know how to react or respond because I am really shocked.
Can somebod please explain all of this?? I'm confused???
Its the urges, we are humans.. We all have it.. But if you aren't comfortable & have put some boundaries, you dont need to go ahead.. If he truly loves you then he'll understand.. Let the recovery continue!! Good luck!!
Actually, reading all of your advices really helped me. I am happy now that I am healing.
Last 3 days was hell and now I am feeling energetic, I don't know wny.
I understand, glad to hear you're feeling better We're all here to help if you need us!!
I do! You're now armed with "KNOWLEDGE"!
Thank you. I just woke up today.
My bf confessed everything to me last night, idk if that was a good idea but I want him to be brutally honest and he said every thing that he does since he was a child and it makes me feel sick and disgusted and now I know him as a monster
there is some thinga that are really disturbing, and he said everything detail by detail and it makes me feel ugly, and how I wish I was the other girls he craves for... but he said he wants to told me everything and the truth and he doesn't want to hide it anymore.
Is being brutally honest REALLY a good idea? I am afftected by his honesty and it makes me feel nauseous thinking all of his shits.
I don't know if I can love a man like him that is so BAD.
Should I be thankful for him for being honest?
I am crying right now and thinking to end all of this.
He was feeling great telling me everything and he doesn't know that I am deeply hurt right now.
I'm sorry, honesty can be a double edged sword at times. Not everyone can handle it and not everyone wants it and that is fine. If it is too much for you tell him. He can be honest without detail. Isn't it horrible how being so honest is a relief for them and freeing while it can tear us to shreds?
Take a break if you need to, get a bit of space and take care of yourself. Think about what it is you want and need. If you see a future stay, but if it is too hard don't feel bad about leaving. If you do stay think about what you want and need from him. If the brutal honesty is too much tell him.
Be encouraged that he cares enough to be honest with you. It is definitely the first step to recovery and improvement. His shame is being brought into the open. And you being there to hear him is likely valuable to him.
But, his honesty and his actions (past, present, future) will have the potential to harm you. You will both have to recover and heal. I hesitate to suggest a course of action, but, I would think you need at least some amount of time apart with very clear boundaries and intentions clearly communicated.
As I see it, you both have responsibility first for yourselves. Take care of yourself first, and hope he can take care of himself. That is all I will say. I won't suggest any outcome of your relationship.
Clearly communicating what you are thinking to him should be a good idea. Good and honest communication in a relationship is crucial.
Knowing facts can be painful, and that pain may never fully leave. I suggest you decide what you need to take care of yourself, and take time.
Take time for yourself.
I'm sorry to read what you are going through. Stay strong, and Love yourself.
When he cleans his conscience by telling you, its like shoveling crap out if his yard but into yours.
He feels relief.
He feels great.
It’s freeing to get out of the secrecy and be seen.
It’s good for him too.
But it leaves you with a mess.
It is a good thing when you work through it, but it will take time.
Lots of time.
Months, probably years to fully get through.
But it starts with one day.
It is super painful.
You have to go through the pain to heal though, so don’t give up.
Thank you for all of your replies.
JUST TO GIVE YOU AN UPDATE FOR TODAY.
Iam having a mental breakdown right now. I am crying and crying for hours not knowing what to do.
Here is an update for what happened today.
I go out with him to go to the mall because we are currently renovating our home together. At first I don't want to go out with him. But I have no choice because I have to choose things for our kitchen. I said to him that I want to go out alone because I don't want him near ne and I don't want to feel insecure when I catch him ogling at other girls. But he insisted.
So on the way to the mall, he kept lookong at me and said things like, "you're so beautiful with your hair tied. Sorry I didn't appreciate it until NOW." And I didn't answer. I pretend that I didn't hear him.
On the mall. He said things like, "you look so good in jeans. I love your big ass. I didn't realize that you've got a really sexy ass until now. Sorry for taking you for granted." and AGAIN, I pretend that I didn't hear him.
"You are so hot and I wanna kiss your neck, you look so good in that ponytail. I'm sorry I didn't notice it until now." This time, I feel like I just want to cry. When he asks me what's wrong, I didn't answer.
I don't understand what's happening to him. He reports EVERYTHING to me like, "I looked at the cashier's face and I didn't feel anything" and I don't know what to feel. He said, "Just tell me if you feel hurt because I am being really honest with you now. I know this is hard, but I am practicing to be honest to you. Tell me if I you want me to stop." This time, I finally answered, "no, just go on."
At the mall I feel insecure whenever I see a beautiful lady walking past towards us. I look up to him and I tell you, he was looking AT MY FACE and I was so shocked. I said to myself, "Why didn't he look at that beautiful lady? Why is he looking at me?"
I AM REALLY CONFUSED AND I WANT SOMEONE TO EXPLAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING, I REALLY WANT TO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING.
It is so overwhelming.
This series of videos really helped me understand porn/sex addiction.
They also have a podcast.
I’m reading and remembering/ relating. The going out in public is what is referred to triggers. I remember quite well well in the beginning I had a hard time going out in public because I was so sick and tired of his flirting and ogling while together. He would give me compliments and it was hollow and meaningless to me. It can feel superficial, you lost trust! I know I couldn’t trust his niceness and flirting with meant anything.
I think some men try to make up for the behaviors it can a bit over top in the ways they know how and unfortunately it can come from the heart but filtered through the porn brain. I didn’t want to hear those compliments, I wanted to know he appreciates me for more than just physical stuff too. That can take time for them to relearn. This type of behaviors can cause some confusion for you, I know it did for me.
You are in a state of emotional distress, you lost your footing and completely off balance. This can take time and work from you on yourself to start to level out.
You are going through this level of betrayal for the first time so it’s going to feel intense for a while “the roller coaster effect” of emotions. That’s normal.
Here is a good breakdown of cycle of grief from an affair recovery site, many of this can be experienced without a physical cheating. It’s about the betrayal not mode of betrayal, physical versus porn.
I hope this helps at some of explaining what’s potentially happening.
These don't sound like compliments to me. It sounds like he's having urges for porn and it's coming out in him saying disgusting things to you. If my SO ever said those things to me I'd slap him. Regardless of addiction being present or not. That is not him respecting you. It's him seeing you as a sexual object. It's nothing more than that.
It sounds like he's making a real attempt. I'm not making excuses for him, because it does sound like he is seeing you as an object and a replacement for porn right now, but this is somewhat to be expected in the very beginning stages of recovery as he stops the PMO. It's a process. Is he willing to start therapy to learn more? Is he here on nofap?
I’m with cake. There are a lot of fish in the sea. Move on. I bet you can meet someone more honest. He has clearly had no qualms exploring others himself... set yourself free. I see no good reason to put yourself through the hell of trust limbo since you aren’t legally bound or share children. You can express your concern for his well being and encourage his recovery but there is no reason you must tag along that journey. Life might reconnect you later if it’s meant to be... but there may be a fantastic opportunity awaiting you out there. A new relationship that you could embark on without the tarnish of porn addiction, cheating, and lies. Be free!