Help me please.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lonelybell01, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Only YOU can decide that... On the side of the devils advocate... He DID tell you without prompt, right??
    Most of the time, PAs torture SOs with years of sex withholding and gaslighting and trying to hide their addictions and affairs.
    He just told you.
    Because?
    Because.
    That sounds like a someone who wants to keep you to me.
    Idk... I wish my SO would have just told me about his affair and addiction.
    But I can't just Wish upon a star or for his addiction to be different... Some are worse some are different, they all hurt the SO and they all suck.
    You get the PA you get... That's it.
    It's about what you do next.
    If you had discovered instead, do think you would feel differently?
    Worse?
    Better?
    What would be different?
    How?
     
  2. Air0

    Air0 Fapstronaut

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    Hey I hope things go well. I know that you're hurting right now. Give it some time and continue to be supportive of him. I think you should give him another chance because he's already done a lot of things that show he's going to quit this.
     
  3. Air0

    Air0 Fapstronaut

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    I agree
     
    Lonelybell01 likes this.
  4. Asmo deus

    Asmo deus Fapstronaut

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    You let him answer that question. That's not your headache, my heartbroken friend.

    Right now, you absolutely must focus on getting your thoughts in order and simply (not at all simple though, mind you) letting the emotional fluxes pass.

    Take a day off to think. And try get yourself a good nap, which -fortunately- is easy after crying :)

    Your immediate focus here is on yourself and yourself only. Get your head in order and then get this clear with your bf- CONVINCING YOU OTHERWISE IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY.


    Please. Take it easy. :)
     
    Banjaxed likes this.
  5. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, somehow I am thankful for him that he admitted all of this to me.
    But it will never change the FACT that he cheated and the dact that he hirt and betrayed me. But I also considered the fact that he admitted all of this to keep me or because of his guilt. I don't know.
    And I'm So sorry for what you have been through.. you are a brave person, sharing your experiences and advices. Thank you so much. :)
     
  6. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou. It's been so hard for me.
    Yes I considered about giving him another chance. However, it is the pain that makes me feel weak and I can't help but to question that, "Is he really going to change?" I feel like I don't know him at all because before I knew all of this, he was such a good man and a loving boyfriend. I just can't imagine how he did all of this while having those traits... it feels terrible.
     
  7. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you sonmuch for your reply. It really helped me because I'm in the state now where I don't really know what I'm gonna do. I feel like if he pursue me, I would gave in easily.
    Will do your advice to get clear to him that convincing me is his responsibility. I think that is wise.
    I'm not sleeping and been crying for 2days straight, so thanks for reminding me that :)
     
    Asmo deus likes this.
  8. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Don't believe a word he says; they'll promise anything.

    Not gonna lie, I would say eff this & walk out if I was you.

    My 7 yr wedding anniversary is in a couple of weeks. I get overcome with sadness just thinking of the girl I was 7 years ago & the girl I am today. My husband didn't tell me of his addiction before marriage. He denied me the opportunity to marry a man I am worthy of. I didn't get a choice in my life becoming what it has.....you do.
     
    Lilla_My and HonestyMatters like this.
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yep.
    Then there is This.
    Your not married.
    @Lonelybell01 so how invested do you want to be and for how long?
    To actually become sober it's several years of commitment.
    This isn't a puppy. It's a person.
    Are they worth it?
    Better question - are you?
    Is your sanity?
    How about your self esteem?
    What about your ability to sleep?
    Eat?
    Go to work?
    Just basically function... Really.
    You do have choices.
    Don't make them make it all about them.
    It's about you too.
     
  10. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been through :(
    Yesh, to be completely honest with you, I would have gone and left him the moment he admitted. He lied and disrespect me. Betrayed me. Hurt me.
    And all that shits.
    BUT
    There's really a part in me somehow that I wan't to help him recover. The fact that he said he wants to change, he swallowed everything and have the courage to admit all of this, it is really a brave idea and somehow i am thankful for that.
    But yeah, the pain makes me feel weak and I know ot would be hard for me to accept and gave him a chance.
    Yes, he hurt me, but it doesn't mean I will hurt him too.
    I am so proud of you to be able to stand for yourself. Thankyou for your advices. :)
     
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  11. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this. I am approaching my situation right now like this is a rrial and I need to do this to become more strong.
    I'm reading some of successful stories of SO's here about having a PA partner and honestly it gave me hope.
    This man, I know he has this monster inside of him but I really want to keep him because somehow I believe in him that he wants to change.
    Wishing that I won't regret all of this tho.
    I know it is a very risky move to trust him again.
    But somehow I want to.
    I am making boundaries for him right now.
    Can you help me with that?
     
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  12. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Just an update.

    Today, as this point, my boyfriend is really doing everything to make me stay.
    But I didn't want to talk to him, yet.
    I really want to leave him.
    We're living together and I said that it is better if he go home to his parents because I can't bear to be with him right now.
    The thought of him near me makes me feel terrible, worthless and I can't stop thinking that this man who says he loves me deeply will cheat on me.
    We slept in the same bed together last night, but I did't want him to be near me. I broke down in the middle of the night and feeling of disgust came to me. I was crying, and He wants to hug me, kiss me, but I don't want it.
    Aside from physical touch, what else should I do and what else should I not to do.
    If any of you can have a tips on me setting some boundaries, I would really appreciate it.
     
  13. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Please also look into affair recovery, Bloom for women is a really good place to start. NF is amazing but you are also dealing with physical affairs, it will help to more then just NF alone.

    First thing first have someone or a few close friends/family for support. Not just on a forum, but someone you can call, someone you go have coffee with in person.

    Get fully tested and do not be physical with him until he has been fully tested as well and you have the results in hand.

    Take some personal time, even if it’s just an hour a day for your self care.

    Give yourself time to grieve!
    I would have crying fits for a time. Don’t suppress or hide it from yourself, allowing this is healthy and part of processing the grief cycle.

    Somethings that helped me.

    Going to the gym to run on a treadmill while I processed my anger in a healthy way. It helped me sleep at night and work up a over a non existent appetite I had experienced.

    Having lunch dates with my close friend a couple days a week. We did our best to be honest and constructive rather than bashing.

    I took a sowing class 2 nights a week for a couple of hours, just for me to have a creative outlet and feel accomplished. It helped with the worthlessness and shattering confidence I was feeling.


    I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I know how much this hurts. Truth be told having him come clean to you is better then discovery in a lot of ways. It’s the attempted start in the rebuilding.

    Don’t make any rash decisions for a bit. This is one hell of roller coaster ride that will feel like it will never end but it does with or without him.
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2018
  14. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply. Inadmire uou for being such a brave woman, after all you've been through.
    You see, He is my first boyfriend and I want him to be my last. But sadly I never knew this thing would come into our relationship.
    Is avoiding ohysical touch with him really helps? Is it worth it not having physical intimacy with him?
    What I'm doing right now is reading some success stories here.
    Somehow I am hoping that our relationship will survive.
     
  15. Wanting him to recover is very kind of you. But the truth is you have no control over it. He has to recover for himself first.
    Do what you have to for yourself. Be honest about how you feel and why you are doing what you’re doing. Separating, etc.
    get help and support outside the relationship.
    See what he does.
    If he gets moving in recovery... great.
    If not... it tells you where he’s at.
    You can be happy either way.
     
  16. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so mich for this. He completed his first session of his therapy today and yeaterday.
    But 3 days isn't enough to know thay he will change.
    But I'm proud of him tho.
     
    Thor god of thunder likes this.
  17. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I missed the part it wasn’t physical, that’s on me. Sorry for that part that’s my misunderstanding so there would be no need for testing.

    Thanks for clarifying that For me GW.
     
    Lonelybell01 likes this.
  18. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    If you are not ready to have physical touch then don’t, you can’t force it! That is only for you to decide for when you are ready.

    I’m sorry I missed the part that it wasn’t physical cheating. That’s my miss understanding. The only reason I stated Getting tested and not having sex until you see the results.

    My husband I took a step back from sex to work on having a deeper non sexual intimacy. We still had some sex but we focused on cuddling (even naked) for skin to skin contact.
    We took steps to build emotional intimacy by haveing at first daily check ins with each other. Now that we aer a year later we still only do weekly check ins. Communication, understanding and empathy on both parts goes a long way.

    Let yourself grieve, the other things I posted will help too.

    Have someone you trust IRL you can talk to.

    Selfcare is paramount. Think about the classes and even a healthy way to handle the cycle like my going to the gym. These things don’t change.

    I’m so sorry your first relationship is this.

    Keep talking and reaching out. You have had some good suggestions from folks. @AnonymousAnnaXOXO has some great threads on resources and I believe @Kenzi has a fantastic thread on boundaries that could help you. @GhostWriter is solid in his breakdown responses.

    Bloom is solid as well, but you do pay for it and a lot of SO’s are part of it (most with and some without physical affairs but it’s a great resource for BT). I do apologize for missing the part it wasn’t physical hence my strong point in previous post.
     
    Lonelybell01 likes this.
  19. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    JUST AN UPDATE.

    Today my boyfriend is being so honest with me. I am shocked.
    Saying things like, "you're so hot right now.", "I want to fuck you right now." And "I have seen ur oanty and ur ass, I wanna grab them."
    I don't know how to react or respond because I am really shocked.
    Can somebod please explain all of this?? I'm confused???
     

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