Help me please.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lonelybell01, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Only YOU can decide that... On the side of the devils advocate... He DID tell you without prompt, right??
    Most of the time, PAs torture SOs with years of sex withholding and gaslighting and trying to hide their addictions and affairs.
    He just told you.
    Because?
    Because.
    That sounds like a someone who wants to keep you to me.
    Idk... I wish my SO would have just told me about his affair and addiction.
    But I can't just Wish upon a star or for his addiction to be different... Some are worse some are different, they all hurt the SO and they all suck.
    You get the PA you get... That's it.
    It's about what you do next.
    If you had discovered instead, do think you would feel differently?
    Worse?
    Better?
    What would be different?
    How?
     
  2. Air0

    Air0 Fapstronaut

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    Hey I hope things go well. I know that you're hurting right now. Give it some time and continue to be supportive of him. I think you should give him another chance because he's already done a lot of things that show he's going to quit this.
     
  3. Air0

    Air0 Fapstronaut

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    I agree
     
    Lonelybell01 likes this.
  4. IAmLegion

    IAmLegion Fapstronaut

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    You let him answer that question. That's not your headache, my heartbroken friend.

    Right now, you absolutely must focus on getting your thoughts in order and simply (not at all simple though, mind you) letting the emotional fluxes pass.

    Take a day off to think. And try get yourself a good nap, which -fortunately- is easy after crying :)

    Your immediate focus here is on yourself and yourself only. Get your head in order and then get this clear with your bf- CONVINCING YOU OTHERWISE IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY.


    Please. Take it easy. :)
     
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  5. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, somehow I am thankful for him that he admitted all of this to me.
    But it will never change the FACT that he cheated and the dact that he hirt and betrayed me. But I also considered the fact that he admitted all of this to keep me or because of his guilt. I don't know.
    And I'm So sorry for what you have been through.. you are a brave person, sharing your experiences and advices. Thank you so much. :)
     
  6. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou. It's been so hard for me.
    Yes I considered about giving him another chance. However, it is the pain that makes me feel weak and I can't help but to question that, "Is he really going to change?" I feel like I don't know him at all because before I knew all of this, he was such a good man and a loving boyfriend. I just can't imagine how he did all of this while having those traits... it feels terrible.
     
  7. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you sonmuch for your reply. It really helped me because I'm in the state now where I don't really know what I'm gonna do. I feel like if he pursue me, I would gave in easily.
    Will do your advice to get clear to him that convincing me is his responsibility. I think that is wise.
    I'm not sleeping and been crying for 2days straight, so thanks for reminding me that :)
     
    IAmLegion likes this.
  8. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Don't believe a word he says; they'll promise anything.

    Not gonna lie, I would say eff this & walk out if I was you.

    My 7 yr wedding anniversary is in a couple of weeks. I get overcome with sadness just thinking of the girl I was 7 years ago & the girl I am today. My husband didn't tell me of his addiction before marriage. He denied me the opportunity to marry a man I am worthy of. I didn't get a choice in my life becoming what it has.....you do.
     
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yep.
    Then there is This.
    Your not married.
    @Lonelybell01 so how invested do you want to be and for how long?
    To actually become sober it's several years of commitment.
    This isn't a puppy. It's a person.
    Are they worth it?
    Better question - are you?
    Is your sanity?
    How about your self esteem?
    What about your ability to sleep?
    Eat?
    Go to work?
    Just basically function... Really.
    You do have choices.
    Don't make them make it all about them.
    It's about you too.
     
  10. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been through :(
    Yesh, to be completely honest with you, I would have gone and left him the moment he admitted. He lied and disrespect me. Betrayed me. Hurt me.
    And all that shits.
    BUT
    There's really a part in me somehow that I wan't to help him recover. The fact that he said he wants to change, he swallowed everything and have the courage to admit all of this, it is really a brave idea and somehow i am thankful for that.
    But yeah, the pain makes me feel weak and I know ot would be hard for me to accept and gave him a chance.
    Yes, he hurt me, but it doesn't mean I will hurt him too.
    I am so proud of you to be able to stand for yourself. Thankyou for your advices. :)
     
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  11. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this. I am approaching my situation right now like this is a rrial and I need to do this to become more strong.
    I'm reading some of successful stories of SO's here about having a PA partner and honestly it gave me hope.
    This man, I know he has this monster inside of him but I really want to keep him because somehow I believe in him that he wants to change.
    Wishing that I won't regret all of this tho.
    I know it is a very risky move to trust him again.
    But somehow I want to.
    I am making boundaries for him right now.
    Can you help me with that?
     
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  12. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Just an update.

    Today, as this point, my boyfriend is really doing everything to make me stay.
    But I didn't want to talk to him, yet.
    I really want to leave him.
    We're living together and I said that it is better if he go home to his parents because I can't bear to be with him right now.
    The thought of him near me makes me feel terrible, worthless and I can't stop thinking that this man who says he loves me deeply will cheat on me.
    We slept in the same bed together last night, but I did't want him to be near me. I broke down in the middle of the night and feeling of disgust came to me. I was crying, and He wants to hug me, kiss me, but I don't want it.
    Aside from physical touch, what else should I do and what else should I not to do.
    If any of you can have a tips on me setting some boundaries, I would really appreciate it.
     
  13. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Please also look into affair recovery, Bloom for women is a really good place to start. NF is amazing but you are also dealing with physical affairs, it will help to more then just NF alone.

    First thing first have someone or a few close friends/family for support. Not just on a forum, but someone you can call, someone you go have coffee with in person.

    Get fully tested and do not be physical with him until he has been fully tested as well and you have the results in hand.

    Take some personal time, even if it’s just an hour a day for your self care.

    Give yourself time to grieve!
    I would have crying fits for a time. Don’t suppress or hide it from yourself, allowing this is healthy and part of processing the grief cycle.

    Somethings that helped me.

    Going to the gym to run on a treadmill while I processed my anger in a healthy way. It helped me sleep at night and work up a over a non existent appetite I had experienced.

    Having lunch dates with my close friend a couple days a week. We did our best to be honest and constructive rather than bashing.

    I took a sowing class 2 nights a week for a couple of hours, just for me to have a creative outlet and feel accomplished. It helped with the worthlessness and shattering confidence I was feeling.


    I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I know how much this hurts. Truth be told having him come clean to you is better then discovery in a lot of ways. It’s the attempted start in the rebuilding.

    Don’t make any rash decisions for a bit. This is one hell of roller coaster ride that will feel like it will never end but it does with or without him.
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2018
  14. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Part 1 of 2 (NoFap is limited to 30,000 characters. LOL, go figure)


    I’d say you’ve got quite a lot going on with just over 24 hours of dialog. Please allow me to break this down for you in terms you can manage because what you are enduring is so overwhelming.

    Yes, you need help.

    Yes, you’re in a lot of emotional pain and deeply hurt right now.

    Yes, you’ve been betrayed.

    Yes, you are confused about the state of your relationship and your future.

    Yes, you love him with all your heart.

    Yes, he loves you so much.

    Yes he hides it very well.

    Yes, he is a good man.

    Yes, he admitted to cheating on you for 2 years.

    Yes, you are lost right now.

    Yes, you are all of these things and more.


    Now let’s take a step back, take emotion out of the equation, and assess the situation objectively. But before I continue, beware, you’ve received a lot of advice in here. Some of it great. Some of good. Some of it downright absurd as those giving it are so immature in their recovery, they are oblivious of the ramifications of the things they are recommending that you do. I have highlighted those below that are truly beneficial and ignored those that are not.

    You shouldn’t ask someone else if you should stay with him. Only you can make that determination yourself. The good news is, you are not married and therefore, the situation is far less complicate than it would be had you been, had children, merged assets, etc. That does make things so much simpler in terms of separation should the situation warrant. Your mind is a mess right now as it should be. Embrace the emotion. You’ve earned it.

    Actually, you can. You can always make boundaries in any given circumstance. I understand you are disgusted and don’t want to see him anymore. You’re making harsh emotional decisions. You need to give sufficient time for the emotions to subside so that you can make rational objective decisions. You haven’t yet allowed sufficient time to pass.

    Yeah! I wouldn’t put a lot of stock into this suggestion. That’s all I’m going to say about it.

    OK, all of these things? They are all so very valid. But I want to focus in on the last one. We know you want him to recover. That is a given. However, make certain that you focus on YOUR recovery. You are suffering from Betrayal Trauma. It’s OK to support him. But he has to do this. It is his cross to bear. I give him very high marks for coming clean and “disclosing” instead of you “discovering”. That is huge. But he has to own his own recovery.

    Absolutely. If you want me to help you with those, please let me know, and I’ll be happy to help you create the Boundaries & Consequences necessary to facility you feeling safe and secure in your own environment.

    OK, STOP right there. NONE, I repeat, NONE of this is your fault. You are a profoundly beautiful woman in “…mind, soul, heart, and body…” His addiction isn’t, and never was, about you. You had NOTHING to do with this. Nothing! It is not your fault, so get that out of your head. Unbknownst to you, as you “…always initiate sex with him…”, it’s a tell/tale/tell sign that he has an addiction problem. If you look back, you will see many. Remember this: Always fall back on your “gut instincts”, “women’s intuition”, “sixth sense”, or whatever you want to call it. It usually almost is always right. One suspicious activity, individually, might be a coincidence. But half a dozen or so collectively? Not such a coincidence anymore. So sit down, make out a list, and think about all the things that have happened in your relationship that made you go “huh”, but you just couldn’t put your finger on it. I think you’ll find that when you put all the pieces of this puzzle together, it paints a very real unmistakable picture.

    And “…everytime we do it, he admitted that he's thinking about other girls…”? That isn’t about you either. That’s about addiction and what necessitates attaining a dopamine fix. We can dig into that later if you want to understand the science behind it.

    I want to reinforce something she said here. When you create Boundaries & Consequences, it is imperative that the Consequences should always be “Harder for him to accomplish than they are for you to Endure”. This is extremely important. Honestly, in your own mind, you shouldn’t even be having to deal with this shit. Don’t make it any more of a chore for you than it has to be.

    Cry away. It truly is a cleansing emotional outburst. You’ve earned it.

    A) I’m sure he said he will change. I would be remiss if I didn’t warn you that he should not make promises he can’t keep. I’m sure he wants to change. Addiction may have a different plan in mind.

    B) You shouldn’t believe him until such time he has proven his trustworthiness.

    C) Contrary to what you said here, you do care. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be here having this discussion. So let’s just leave that on the table for now.

    Never let fear steer your decisions. And remember, you were abandoned when he engaged in these activities whether you want to acknowledge it as such or not. Stay with him because you want to. Not out of fear.

    I’m sure it does. But make certain that your motivations for having him move out are out of self-care, setting boundaries for yourself, and as natural consequences for his behavior and not as punishment. If you need to understand the difference, I’ll be happy to explain that as well.

    Good!

    Well, we’ll see won’t we? Remember what I said about “promises”.

    Well, it’s easy for me to sit her and tell you that you should have “no regrets”. I’m sure there was good in your relationship, else you wouldn’t have been together as long as you have.

    But since we’re on the subject of him cheating multiple times, I always err on the side of caution. Take care of you. And what I mean right here is, if he has had physical relations with others, make an appointment with your OB/GYN, and have a battery of tests done for all potential STDs. This is important for your own personal health, safety, and well-being. It is also important for your own sanity. Get yourself checked out. DO NOT take his word for it that he is clean.

    Lying? That’s another subject altogether.

    Look, there is a lot to be said for a man to come clean without being provoked into doing so. Regardless of his past indiscretions, there is some real chocolate mixed into the shit. You exemplify that when you say “…I know he is a good man…” I can tell you without question, most of the individuals I have known to have engaged in any level of PA/SA, short of their addiction, were good people. Their addiction robbed them of their goodness.

    Don’t play games. They will backfire on you. There are much more positive ways to instill your worth into him. Besides, if he didn’t think you were worth it, he wouldn’t have disclosed to you. He’d just continued with his activities until such time he got caught, and he would have just said “adios” when it was all said and done. Don’t play games in spite of anyone telling you here otherwise.

    Great response!

    Great response to the response!

    Calling out all the troups (I mean chicks)! LOL, that was good. And a really good list of them I might add!

    Now we’re on a path to sound wisdom. Thank you @Kenzi for coming to the rescue of this young @Lonelybell01. As always, we can count on you.

    We all did. And the more we got caught, the better we learned how to hide it.

    That, my dear, is a very tough pill to swallow.

    That’s good, that’s good, and that’s good.

    That can change. With time, that can change. It takes a lot of word/action alignment over an extended period of time that only you can determine in your own mind.

    Well that is a lie unto yourself. You most certainly are NOT WORTHLESS.

    I understand.

    That is a very common theme amongst those of you who have been betrayed. But rest assured:

    A) You nave done nothing wrong to him.

    B) You were always enough for him.

    This isn’t about you. It is about him. You have to keep reminding yourself of this. His addiction had nothing to do with you.

    Understandably so.

    There is so much truth to that. Another voice of wisdom here!

    All of this is great advice. It is generally accepted amongst most Therapists to wait a full year before making any major life decisions. So is suggest to you, if you love this man, be willing to give it a year. If he is actively pursuing recovery, then you have a lot to work with. If not, you have your answer.

    Just out of curiosity, how did he “…realize it…”?

    Yes, addicts are very good at compartmentalizing and hiding it. We will protect our addiction at all cost. Remember though, this is addiction at play here. It is a brain disease.

    Eventually, I’m going to get you out of this mindset of “worthlessness”. There is not part of your being that isn’t worthwhile.

    So nothing physical? It’s still cheating, so I don’t want to minimize it, but it does make a difference if a visit to the OB/GYN is necessary.

    You said it yourself. He was very good at hiding it.

    So webcams and sexting are his vices. OK, this is much easier to work with. Harder than emotional, easier than physical, but attainable.
     
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  15. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Part 2 of 2 (NoFap is limited to 30,000 characters. LOL, go figure)



    OK, we’ve gone down this path of “worthlessness” enough now, I think it’s time you speak to someone about this. I cannot reiterate enough. Your self-worth isn’t defined by another human being. It is defined by you and you alone. YOU DID NOT DO THIS! I know you feel shattered and can’t describe the pain. You don’t have to. We all know it because we’ve all have experienced it. And the truth of the matter is, and I know you can’t see it right now, but it WILL get better. A lot better.

    Well, tbh, that’s not good enough. What does that mean “…he wouldn’t accept the fact that I can’t trust him anymore…”? It occurs to me, he has little choice in the matter. Had he been open and honest from the onset, transparent in the relationship, and shared that with you that you were entitled to, it would be a much different scenario. I always tell people “any time you make any decisions that have an influence or impact on another person, you have an obligation, duty, and responsibility to include them in that decision”. The fact is, he made decisions that have profound detrimental affects on you, and he didn’t include you.

    If you feel it is too risky at this time, then it is too risky. As for not wanting any regrets, I forewarn you, what makes you think you won’t run into a same set of circumstances, or worse, in your next relationship? Somewhere, you’re going to have to take a leap of faith if you want to be in a relationship. As for him, you at least know a lot about the package you are receiving. And while he did cheat, and I am not minimizing that by any stretch of the imagination, he did “disclose”. That is SO SO SO huge.

    And don’t believe him. Until such time he has earned your trust, that is the best policy for your own safety and security in the relationship.

    Not your job. That’s his job. Besides, you need to let him do it. He needs to own it lock, stock, and barrel. Otherwise, it’s just trivial to him.





    Do you love him? Where do you see yourself 5, 10, 20 years down the road? Do you see yourself as potentially being in a very happy healthy loving joyful sexual intimate relationship with him? Then I submit to you, yes, he is worthy of a second chance.

    Yeah, @Kenzi has said a mouth full and all of it is so right on target. These are the question you have to ask yourself.

    What she said!

    Right. Those are the facts. With all of that in mind, you have to ask yourself this question and it isn’t something you need to answer right now. “Are you willing to forgive him”? Because at the end of the day, you don’t forgive him because he deserves it. You forgive him because you deserve it. Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And those thoughts may have crossed your mind if you’ve ever watched “Something to Talk About” with Julia Roberts. Nonetheless, you must be in a position to forgive. Not forget, but to forgive. And forgiveness isn’t a one time event. It takes lots of time with lots of repeated conscious acts of forgiveness to truly forgive.

    Well, truly, only time will tell. Anybody who has to face consequences and be held accountable for their actions, and I’m specifically talking about addicts, will tell you in the most sincerest form “I really want to change”. And they genuinely mean it. The problem is, their frontal cortex acknowledges that they want to change, and their mid brains says “not so fact. I have an addiction to feed” There in lies the problem. It is the dysfunctional brain that is making the decisions, or as I like to call it “the little head (mid brain) is making all the decisions for the big head (frontal cortex)”. You can use your imagination for the alternative explanation.

    Still is!

    Still is!

    “Terrible”, “Worthless’ and all those other adjectives used to describe yourself? We need to work on those. Those “…traits…” you mentioned? Those are addiction driven.

    This is good advice.

    Understandable. There is nothing wrong with him pursuing you. I would remain cautiously optimistic in reception to it.

    Good approach

    Exactly! And to reinforce that, it should be “ALL ABOUT YOU”

    Yes, he did all of those things. You really need to take a step back and consider this: YOU CANNOT HELP him recover. Doing so will exacerbate the problem. He needs to own it. Take it from someone who knows first hand, has witnessed it in so many others first hand, you’ve got to escape this mentality. You have to let him do this, else he won’t appreciate it any more than a parent giving a privileged child an item they simply abuse because they have no skin in the game. I hope this is making sense to you.

    You don’t have to hurt him. You do, however, have to create Boundaries & Consequences and execute them. You do that, not as punishment or control, but as safeguards and protections for your own safety and security in your environment.

    And this, I can help you with a lot. If you would like, I can help you jump start this and even help you refine it and solidify it for your relationship. Just let me know.

    Well, how is that? What specifically is he doing? NOTE: He can’t “make” you stay.

    I think that’s probably a very good idea at the moment. It gives you time to clear your head and him time to reflect on his accountability.

    There’s that “worthless” word again. Again, you’re NOT worthless! And he might cheat on you. You have to evaluate the situation daily to determine if the recovery effort is real or manipulative. Personally, given he came forward without so much as a prompt to do so, speaks volumes.

    That’s perfectly acceptable.

    And this is too. Your emotions are completely valid. Give him credit for “wanting to hug you, kiss you” but also for “respecting your boundary not to”. I am sure the idea of him doing so repulses you at the moment.

    You should do whatever you want. But I caution you that he needs to go with the program and abstain for 90 days. This isn’t punishment. This is brain healing, so let’s have no misunderstanding there. He can do without an orgasm for 90 days no matter what he says. And you can too for that matter. Yes, I know it’s unfair, but you have to remember, this is a “brain healing” process.

    PM me and I’ll get this ball rolling for you today.

    This is all really great advice except I think we’ve come to the determination that the cheating isn’t physical. But I have the utmost respect for @Jennica, so you’d be remiss if you didn’t heed her advice.


    Get with me on the Boundaries & Consequences, and you’ll quickly jumpstart your recovery and his too.
     
  16. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply. Inadmire uou for being such a brave woman, after all you've been through.
    You see, He is my first boyfriend and I want him to be my last. But sadly I never knew this thing would come into our relationship.
    Is avoiding ohysical touch with him really helps? Is it worth it not having physical intimacy with him?
    What I'm doing right now is reading some success stories here.
    Somehow I am hoping that our relationship will survive.
     
  17. Wanting him to recover is very kind of you. But the truth is you have no control over it. He has to recover for himself first.
    Do what you have to for yourself. Be honest about how you feel and why you are doing what you’re doing. Separating, etc.
    get help and support outside the relationship.
    See what he does.
    If he gets moving in recovery... great.
    If not... it tells you where he’s at.
    You can be happy either way.
     
  18. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so mich for this. He completed his first session of his therapy today and yeaterday.
    But 3 days isn't enough to know thay he will change.
    But I'm proud of him tho.
     
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  19. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I missed the part it wasn’t physical, that’s on me. Sorry for that part that’s my misunderstanding so there would be no need for testing.

    Thanks for clarifying that For me GW.
     
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