Help me please.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lonelybell01, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    My longtime boyfriend admitted to me that he's been a PA for so long and He's been cheating on me for 2 years. And I had no idea. He hides it very well. I thought all this time that he was a good man and he loves me so much. I feel so lost right now, I am deeply hurt. I love him with all my heart but now I don't know anymore. I feel so betrayed, I can't describe the pain right now. I need help. PLEASE.
     
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  2. AUTiger7222

    AUTiger7222 Fapstronaut

    I truly understand your pain. I don't know what I could say that would help you, except that I understand. I have been there on the receiving end when my girlfriend directly told me she rather watch porn than have sex with me. It absolutely crushed me. I know that doesn't really help but if you want to PM and talk about it I'm here.
     
    Lawliet129 likes this.
  3. littlekegger

    littlekegger Fapstronaut

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    He needs help , porn addiction is no joke it turns you into something you dont want, i makes you crave things you dont want. Tell him either he quits porn and gets help or youll leave him. I dont think he wants to cheat on you but his mind is so warped that hes unable to resist his urges the porn has given him. Dont give up on him if you truly love him , but dont baby him either, hes a man and you need to treat him and hold him accountable like one.
     
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2018
  4. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    Hi @Lonelybell01, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You're in a very painful situation. Do you live with your boyfriend? If so, is there anywhere you can go for a few days to get some space, such a supportive friend or family member's house? Sometimes it really helps to get some distance from the person who is hurting you so much. Then you can think about what you want to do next with a bit more clarity.
     
    GSW9 likes this.
  5. jk243

    jk243 Fapstronaut

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    Also the fact that he told you about his addiction is a step To recovery.
     
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  6. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou. My mind is a mess right now.
    We are living together for almost a year now. Should I stay with him?
    To be honest, I am disgusted with him and I don't want to see him anymore. But on the other side, I wanna support him I wan't him to heal.
    But I can't make boundaries since we're living together.
     
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  7. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou. My mind is a mess right now.
    We are living together for almost a year now. Should I stay with him?
    To be honest, I am disgusted with him and I don't want to see him anymore. But on the other side, I wanna support him I wan't him to heal.
    But I can't make boundaries since we're living together.
     
  8. littlekegger

    littlekegger Fapstronaut

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    if you sleep together than i would recommend splitting up into different rooms for a while, also dont have sex with him or do any sexual favors for him, dont let him even see you naked. His mind need to reboot and that will take about 90 days possibly longer, and sexual temptation will only set him back and cause the porn pathways in his brain to flare up. He will try to persuade you and make you think its ok and you can do it, DONT, right now hes no better than trash and his words are lies, they are words of his addiction, you have to be ready to put your foot down and say no, no matter what. Because right now all he wants is what the porn wants, you can view it as his mind being trapped in his body and he cant talk, only the demon in him can.
     
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2018
  9. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    I'd suggest getting away from him for just a few days to start with. I think getting a little safe space for a short time will help you feel more centered.
     
  10. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou for this. Is there any other tips for me to do other than don't have sex with him and don't see me naked?
    I am so devastated, I feel like I couldn't trust him anymore. My trust is 100% gone. I feel like he will always lie to me.
    I know my worth and I know I deserve better.
    But on the other side, I want him to recover.
     
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  11. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Is there any boundaries I can set even if we're living together?
     
  12. littlekegger

    littlekegger Fapstronaut

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    also dont touch him, dont kiss him, dont flirt with him, dont even act like his girlfriend, because right now you cant be that. This might sound extreme but the situation is extreme, you have to treat him like a drug addict.
     
  13. jk243

    jk243 Fapstronaut

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    Bro I think that more personal, they need To decide it by themselves.
     
  14. littlekegger

    littlekegger Fapstronaut

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    im just giving my advice, she can do what she wants. But if she doesnt take this seriously than they should break up.
     
  15. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    I feel right now like it's my fault because I always initiate sex with him :(
    And everytime we do it, he admitted that he's thinking about other girls.
    I've given him ny all my mind, soul, heart, and body. And now I regret everything...
     
  16. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    Yes, definitely! Many girlfriends/wives on here still live with their PAs, myself included.

    Most of my boundaries involve not spending time with my husband when he is acting inappropriately or not working on his recovery. For instance, if he lies to me, I leave the house or ask him to leave until he is ready to be honest with me. If we both can't leave for some reason, we stay in separate rooms for the rest of the day/overnight.

    Many couples on here use porn blockers or monitoring software on the PA's devices. The SO sets the password and can see if the PA tries to access any porn or porn substitutes. Because your situation involves physical cheating, you might also consider GPS tracking software on his phone to ensure he really is where he says he is. The consequences for breaking the boundaries you've decided on could be anything from the PA sleeping on the couch to moving out temporarily. It depends on what you feel is right.

    In your case, you might set a boundary that he immediately must break it off with his affair partner(s). The consequence if he does not is up to you. That would be deal breaker for me, but you might feel differently.

    Whatever boundaries and consequences you set, remember that they should be more painful for him than they are for you. And when you set a boundary, you must follow through on the consequence or else he will not change.

    Finally, if you know that this all too much for you to deal with, you're certainly within your rights to end the relationship. After two years of physical cheating, no one would blame you for making that choice! Whether you stay or go, you are not responsible for his recovery. Only he can choose to change.
     
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  17. littlekegger

    littlekegger Fapstronaut

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    just take my advice if you want, atleast try it.
     
    Lonelybell01 likes this.
  18. Lonelybell01

    Lonelybell01 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you.
    Been crying for 2days straight now snce he admitted.
    He's seeing a therapist today. He said he would change, but honestly, I don't believe him and I don't care anymore.
    I know my fear of being abandoned really push me to still stay with him.
    I'll do what you just advice, I'll ask him to move out because I don't want to see him. The pain is slowly killing me and it makes me feel weak.
     
    GSW9 likes this.
  19. GSW9

    GSW9 Fapstronaut

    1st of all, thank you for sharing your plight !! You're a courageous woman to open up about your relationship problems.. Its natural to feel betrayal trauma.. But you gotta stay strong, is he willing to get help? If he's willing to recover then support him.. Can be a physical group like SAA/ digital forum like this one, couple counselling, if you find a counsellor who is good in P recovery then that would be great !! Interact with other SOs out here & how they're dealing with their problems.. Good luck, May God Bless you & your bf ! :)
     
  20. Coolyorky

    Coolyorky Fapstronaut

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    It’s so tough. This addiction has prevented me from a loving relationship. A close, personal, physical and emotional relationship. That’s what I want most. I’m honest, work hard, law abiding, never take drugs, hardly drink but have this stupid habit. Millions of young men are exposed to this filth and only a small percentage understand the damage it does. As for cheating there’s no excuse
     
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  21. littlekegger

    littlekegger Fapstronaut

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    it might also be a good option to just dump him temporarily, tell him you can get back to together in 100 days after he has rebooted, this would be more effective than trying to avoid him. Sometimes a man has to loose it all to regain it.
     
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