Hello nofap community.

Hi people. Not really sure why I'm doing this but I've gotta try something. Never joined or written on a forum in my 27 years, there's a first time for everything I suppose.

It's been about half hour since I deleted my 250 GB porn stash ("system files" folder lol) from my portable hard drive and right now I feel OK about it. I deleted another 100 GB about two months ago. I never really watched the videos on there, I would just go straight to the Internet to hunt for more videos to download and store on there! The crushing fear of someone (the Mrs) finding what was on there just overcame everything, but I know I'm going to regret it soon.

I first started watching porn and fapping at about 15 when I was given the old family computer to put in my room. It started as you can imagine with pretty softcore material, but I quickly found that wasn't really doing it for me. I got really in to watching anal scenes, mostly solo women. As my brain got more desensitised, the dildos etc had to get bigger to satisfy my craving. I do realise that it's not normal to fit a horse sized penis-dildo in to your ass. But this is what I need to get one off.

I was obsessed with finding ways to download these videos, and using lots of different methods if there wasn't a download button. Torrents, free password sites, backdoors etc. I guess it was/is all about the thrill of the chase for me. Just realised I'm talking in past tense when I only wanked one off this morning and have just decided that now is the time to make a stand.

I was watching loads of YouTube videos explaining the benefits of nofap last night, whilst I was hungover from an all too frequent Saturday night on the town. I also get extremely depressed and anxious about death when I'm hungover. This happens when I'm sober but not as badly. Crippling existencial crisis type emotions and fear of the inevitable eternal blackness (I am an atheist) this is what has spurred me on to make a change, nofap and no alcohol! Or a lot less alcohol at least.

But the alcohol is kind of another story so I'll get back to topic. Didn't want this to be too long so I apologise and hope you're still reading lol. I have a fiancée who I have been with a total of 8 years. I love her to bits but through my own habits I have made life quite difficult with her. Nothing too terrible but the last couple of years has been constant bickering and arguments. We're in a good place at the moment but I am struggling to engage with her during sex due to how desensitised I have become and the fact that the reality is nothing like the fantasies that I find online. This secret porn addiction is killing me, I want to see if these benefits or "superpowers" are real or not lol. I think most of it is probably in your head but I need more confidence, better social skills, to be able to hold a decent conversation face to face and reduce my brain fog!

Any advice would be helpful and I'm eager to read peoples opinions on here about whether sex during the nofap process is a good idea or not.