hello, husband admitted to porn use...

Welcome to the forum. We're sorry you had to find out your husband has a problem with porn. The silver lining is that your husband took the initiative and told you instead of you discovering it by accident and then he confesses because he's caught. The fact that he told you without prompting shows that he is starting to take responsibility for what he has been doing in secret. Getting a husband/bf to admit they have a problem is perhaps the most difficult step to get them to take.

First I will describe what is going on in the mind of an addict so that you can help him in an effective way. I keep using the word addict because this is not simply a bad habit... there are physical, emotional, and mental components to this problem. Addicts use objects/events/images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. It can be as simple as boredom or loneliness, as serious as childhood trauma, or to cover over a mental health issue such as depression or anxiety. An adolescent boy might start looking at porn because it's exciting and stimulating. But behind the scenes the brain is learning to use the powerful brain chemicals released during PMO as a coping mechanism. It is so effective that we use it as our sole coping mechanism. Instead of turning to healthy sources of comfort, our addiction tricks us into believing if we dive deeper into our addiction then we will find happiness.

Addicts use the 'trance' or 'auto-pilot' mode while watching porn. Parts of the brain that control things like decision making, the conscience, and morality shut off. While in this state of mind there is no pain and no judgment. An addict wants to prolong this feeling and will often binge for hours. All this time the brain is developing a tolerance, so an addict will start to use porn more often or watch more stimulating forms of porn in order to achieve the same feeling. This is call escalating and it happens to all porn addicts. Addicts are constantly searching for that perfect state of 'nirvana' and are forever coming up short.

Recovery is a slow and drawn out process. Over time, the body has grown dependent upon the release of brain chemicals while PMOing, so there is an initial detox period that lasts a few weeks. An addict needs to identify their physical, emotional, and environmental triggers and avoid them. Often an addict will PMO because of an emotional trigger so they have to train themselves to turn to healthy sources of comfort instead of porn... that can take months. The addict also needs to change the behavior surrounding their addiction - minimizing, isolating, lying, being deceptive, and being untrustworthy... and that can take much longer.

You asked about being his accountability partner. A spouse should NOT be the addict's Accountability Partner. He needs to find someone in the Accountability Partner folder to be his AP. An AP is a person whom he will check in with every day, talk about tips and strategies to stay clean, talk about the specifics of their addiction, talk about the most shameful things that they might have done, etc. Those details will destroy you as by a million little paper cuts... I'm sure you don't want to hear about every time he leers at someone or exactly what kinds of porn he used to watch and how often (unless you require that level of honesty). You are not his policeman, therapist, or priest. You are his wife. He can talk to you about his discoveries, his research, his abstinence plan, his progress, his feelings, his goals, etc.

He is responsible for letting you know how you can support him. Tell him he needs to be specific. Does he need encouragement? Does he need forgiveness? Does he need someone to point out when he's backsliding? Does he need suggestions? Does he just need someone to listen without judgment?

There are other things you can do to support him. Don't leave him alone during his detox period. Remove as many opportunities for him to relapse. He is at his weakest during this period. Ask him to journal and ask if he would like to share some of thoughts with you. Addicts also have a history of isolating themselves... plan events with family and friends to help him replace the void that porn used to fill. Encourage him to find a new hobby or start one that the both of you can do together.

Educate yourself on addiction. www.yourbrainonporn.com is full of articles on addiction and rebooting. The Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior by Craig Nakken was a good short book on addiction. The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography by Wendy Maltz was another good book with more information on recovery.

Have him consider seeing a therapist by himself or together. If this is a simple addiction and he has a lot of willpower then he might be able to break out of this. But if there are underlying issues that need addressing then there is no shame in asking for help. The more he tells his story the less power the addiction has over him. The more people that are involved the greater his chances of success.

Encourage him to join this forum. Every addiction has their own support group. Many people are not interested or too scared to go to a Sex Anonymous meeting so they join forums like this. He needs to feel that he is not alone and is not a freak or a deviant for having a porn/sex addiction. Joining forums and participating is an affirmation to stay on the road to recovery.

One word of warning... don't let his addiction become the ONLY thing you focus on. You have every right to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed. This is not a little thing and your feelings should not be ignored. An addict is not only responsible for fixing themselves but they also need to help fix the relationship. Make sure you take time and talk about YOUR feelings and how this is affecting YOU. Help him understand how this has made you feel and hopefully he will become even more determined to stay clean.

Some couples choose to abstain from sex during a reboot. Most feel sex is important for healing a relationship and help you both feel more connected. If he is unable to stay present, treats you like an object, or keeps having flashbacks during sex then he might need to take a break. If he wants sex every day to make up for his lack of porn then that is not healthy either because the brain needs to settle down and the addict needs to get used to being uncomfortable and needs to wait for their brain to return to a calm state of mind. Do not try to be a porn substitute or try to bring his porn fantasies to life. Do not try to compete or imitate what he used to watch because you will feel cheap, demeaning, and resentful and won't help him in the long run.

Recovery is a long process, but having a supportive spouse is one of the best things to have. Make sure to take time for yourself. Join the SOS Support Group for spouses of addicts. Going through this process with him can bring you closer together. Hopefully you can find the information, advice, and support you need for your family to get better.

 

Any updates or questions?

 

If you are looking for a therapist for him try to find one that deals with addiction, specifically sex addiction if possible. They are more rare but are more familiar with the nuances of sex addiction.

 

Hey there, Addicts Wife,

Sorry you're struggling with this. I'm not surprised though.

I don't think you can reasonably be asked to watch over - in the sense of spying on - your husband, and that seems wrong in a number of ways: it's asking too much of you, and it's not a great way to build trust, I don't think. It's reasonable now, though, that you can expect your husband to be honest with you and let you know if he relapses (which is not at all unlikely, I'm afraid). I think that should be the key there - supportive, disappointed if he has a set-back no doubt, but not so much that he feels he can't (or won't) tell you if he does.

Internet filters will probably be a great help to him - K9 is the one that is most commonly recommended here. I'm afraid I'm not terribly technical, but it's easy enough to install and set up, and it's free.

I highly recommend you take a look at the Significant Others group here. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...cant-others-support.18/extra&type=information

There's a post about them at the top of the "Women in reboot" section of the forum. I think you're likely to find some good advice there.

All the best. I hope you have a lovely day.

 

First of all I want to say congrats on your husband coming to you and admitting this addiction. I will be honest and say that this addiction is hard AF to overcome. It is a long journey but one well worth it. Both of you need to remember to take it a day at a time and be patient. I believe he will be successful. If he hasn't already have him join our community and start a journal.

I also want to say that the above posts are awesome. You can also start a journal for yourself to help keep track of your feelings and thoughts. It may even help you to process things. You will most likely realize you have more feelings about it that you didn't realize. That is ok and in fact good.

My wife and I use a tool called FANOS. You can find a link to it below this post in my signature. It is a great tool to help communicate about things. You are on the right track. I don't think that you have to keep an eye on your husband and setup blockers and watch him and make sure he isn't going to look at porn. A log of that is going to be his responsibility. If he needs help setting it up and wants you to put in the password, that is ok, but you should not have to police him. If he does relapse, and most people do, just remember to be patient and learn from that experience. You both can come up with a plan, whether it is him calling you or coming to you when he feels he is being triggered and such. Be there for him, share each others feelings and thoughts.

Part of the healing process will be him finding out what his triggers are, coming up with a plan and communicating those things with him. There are some trust issues that can come into play with PMO, and by communicating things can help regain some of that trust.

I hope this helps. There is also a significant others group that you can join. That link is also in my signature.

Stay strong and I believe together you will both be successful and healthier.

 

This is not an uncommon feeling to have. You had your whole life turned upside down with his disclosure. Helping to fix something that is not your fault can feel incredibly unfair... after all, you're an innocent victim in all of this and now you're being asked to be strong and help someone else? It is like being robbed and then being asked to help the thief during his rehabilitation. There can be a lot of feelings of resentment and anger.

Addicts need as many people involved in their recovery as possible. If it fell to just one person to constantly care for the sick person then that can lead to caregiver syndrome... the feeling of exhaustion, anger, rage or guilt that comes from caring for a dependent. That is part of the reason you cannot be his accountability partner. That is why he needs to join a support group. It is not fair for you to take on the role of policeman, therapist, and priest. The dynamics of the relationship can change from husband/wife to patient/doctor or parent/child. Those power shifts can cause a lot of feelings of resentment.

Remember these simple truths:
1. Give only what you are comfortable or capable of giving. The addict needs to take primary responsibility for their recovery... even if there is nobody else there to help. Any help he gets from outsiders should be viewed as a bonus.

2. Take care of yourself, don't suppress your needs, and allow yourself to feel however you want to feel. When someone goes into recovery it can quickly become all about them and your needs can be relegated to 2nd place. That might be okay for a little while but if that goes on for too long then that's not healthy for you. While I was going through my detox period I made sure to talk about my wife's feelings every night. She only brought up what I was capable of handling for that night. She didn't overwhelm me but we also didn't ignore her injuries.

Yes, there is a lot of work ahead. Many men don't want to tell their wives they have a problem because they don't want to burden them with the consequences of disclosing. They fight and fail in secret and never get better. I don't know your husband but I'm guessing he's a good guy. He must love you and trust you a lot to share his darkest secret with you. That love should prevent him from overburdening you. Have him join us if possible and share the burden with us. You both don't have to go through this alone.

 

Coincidentally, I was looking at Your Brain on Porn this afternoon - as you do (I also highly recommend your husband takes a look there, AW), and there's a link there to this podcast that touches on a number of issues you raise. (It's not entirely applicable as the cases are slightly different, but you might find some good advice there - Noah Church is a good guy, another person for your husband to check out if he hasn't, his book is free online and is very hopeful.)

http://www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2016/12/16/dear-sugar-episode-eighty

 

@WarRoom. It's good to hear that the stories and advice we give one another here have helped you. Everyone's story is different and we'd love to hear more about yours. I suspect there are many women who browse this folder looking for answers but they never post a thread. Not long ago, this sub-folder was created for stories like yours because they were getting lost among the other kind of relationship questions. There is a body of knowledge and information that gets passed on through threads like these. I encourage you to create a thread and tell us about your journey and how things are improving. Maybe your story will resonate with some future member and give them hope to keep on fighting for their marriage.

 

Thank you i_wanna_get_better1, I certainly will in the near future, wounds are still a little to fresh for me. I really appreciate your active participation!