Hello fellow fapstronauts; I have been addicted to porn and masturbation for 17 years. It, like many other people here, created barriers to socializing with people. I had this unrealistic expectation when it came to interacting with women and would immediately become anxious and uncomfortable around them. There apparently have been a lot of girls in my past that genuinely wanted to date me but I was too insecure, too ashamed of my perceived appearance and penis size to ever act on it. I did not have a traumatic experience or any external thing to blame my virginity on (family is religious but not that strict) I just never put myself into a position for sex to be a possibility due to fear of ridicule. From about 16 to 26, I convinced myself I was asexual as a coping mechanism for still being a virgin. I spent those days sleeping,eating, playing video games and of course fapping. In college (18-22), I stayed in my apartment when I was done with class, rarely coming out only to buy food and do laundry. I was approached by women but I just froze up, trying to "curb" the conversation so she would leave. I didn't want this to be long but I feel relieved to write this out where people can see it and empathize. I remember this one girl in particular who was crazy about me from 8th grade to well after college. She was one of my sisters friends and would be really aggressive about flirting with me. I was at a house party and she kept following me telling me to have sex with her. Towards the end of the party, she convinced me to take her home. We sat in my car for two hours just talking about doing it; I "curbed" her advances although I really wanted to do it. I have never gotten over that and I don't know why I did that to her. She has three kids by three different men and is now in an abusive relationship... I feel guilty cause I think this was my fault. I can't seem to forgive myself for this and that moment weighs heavy on my heart... She still is so excited to see me... I wish I could change the past but she is an adult like me. Now for the final reason I started NOFAP... Two years ago, I worked for a temp service in a factory around a lot of women. I was told by other employees that: "oh this or that girl likes you" but I would just think to myself: "why, I am not worth her affection"; this was especially true if there was a more "attractive" and charismatic guy around... why pick me right? I remember a few girls I became friends with telling me I am single because I don't try. So there was this one girl that was just so beautiful to me, we kept exchanging looks and avoiding each other. Eventually I just said "fuck it" and talked to her. It turned out she lived in the same neighborhood as me, and needed a ride to work! At first I wanted to avoid dating "just drive her to work", I would tell myself but we connected on so many things... I eventually asked her out and she said yes! So we went on a couple dates, eventually started kissing (she was my first kiss) and talking about having sex. Now I was into some weird porn at this time and I could no longer see her as a normal person but as just a sex object. A sex object that, at the time, could not compete with what I got from porn. My anxiety about my virginity coupled with my porn addiction prevented me from ever advancing past the kissing & flirting phase of our time together. She would ask me: "Don't you like me?" or "What do you really want from me?". I was too afraid to ask for what I wanted and she eventually moved in with her ex this past October. I cried myself to sleep that night when she told me about it. I knew then that I was using PMO as a substitute for real interactions with women. Instead of getting to know them as a person, I would wait for something to just "happen" like in porn. So I tried to stop looking a porn but it was hard. I went maybe four or five days but would relapse for days after. I went 39 days without PMO once but it was brutal. Through prayer, meditation, fasting and focusing on my hobbies, I am now on a good streak. I am going to the gym and losing a lot of weight: two years ago, I weighed 360 lbs, I now weigh 230. I now get complements from women and finally feel like I have just as much chance as any guy to date any woman I desire! I am not as obsessed with having sex right now and really just want to become my best self. This was long but again it just felt good to get it out. There have been other girls with similar stories but those two always stick out in my mind. I hope the next girl is ready cause I am no longer scared! Thank you NOFAP community for inspiring me these past 8 months. I had to post this!