HeartbrokenFiancee to HealingFastSingle :-) A long post...

Hi SOs!!!

I used to be under a different username but I have been posting here since early January, (my fiance's DDay). To cut a long story short, he hid a major PMO addiction for the years we were together and blamed his PIED on low sexual confidence from previous abuse. The few occasions he took ED pills, he'd take ages to finish. He swore from the start he didn't use P, knowing I wouldn't leave a disabled man who couldn't get it up. I even accepted his beautiful proposal 2 years in to be his wife. Both of us knowing the marriage will be lifelong. Lifelong and sexless.

Well, sexless for me.

Since DDay, he's gone from having one previous lover (his ex, also impotent with), no other sexual partners until me (we're in our 30s) to paying for prostitutes, interactive web cam sex and once cajoling a poor drunk woman from a nightclub back to his. But...and this really angered me...he said he couldn't perform with the prozzie because she was "too fat". Perhaps he was expecting Julia Roberts for £40. He would even watch that teenager soap Hollyoakes just because the women were f***able. More desperately, he'd even ,masturbate at work then when he came home to his family, he'd lock himself in the bathroom to PMO. All so he didn't have to have sex with me that night.

What I'm trying to say is that he covered it so-oo well, I really was shocked, disappointed and heartbroken to get this staggered disclosure, I knew I couldn't stay unless he showed some serious recovery. I remember GhostWriter helped him a lot and for 2 months, I did see a change, I was hopeful.He admitted the reason he wanted recovery is because he knew I was serious about leaving. I was packing boxes and viewing vacant properties near my daughter's school. Even through the two months he was on a recovery program - by that I mean doing something every single day to reinforce a habit changing self, to swap the addiciton to PMO to addiction to recovery.

But 2 months isn't enough after years of lies and years to come of marriage. He hasn't been the only one having it rough since January. I already have gastric ulcers which flared up again, became suicidal and had a mental health breakdown. NoFap was my saviour because it was too embarrassing to talk about it to my lovely friends and I lost so much weight, I dropped four dress sizes and have no self esteem. The few curvy bits I had started sagging but I threw up every time I tried to eat. When my PA tried to make love to me, I didn't want to take my top off. Not that it mattered cos he was ED again by that point.

The stab in the heart was when he asked my permission for him to PMO again until I put on weight. He said my weight loss "had an effect" on his arousal which is why he can't perform again. Straight back into old behaviour. He was posting shit on here saying he's spending all his time fighting for access to his kids so he has no time for recovery or to save his relationship. Looks pretty noble when reading it as a stranger. What he didn't mention was that he couldn't not just spend 10 minutes on the relationship everyday because he was fighting for his kids, oh no. But because he's goes to the gym straight from work (2-3 hours), loves cooking by batch in the kitchen (2-3 hours), put a load of decking down (1/2 day), fitting a 6ft fence (full day) and 4-5 days of serious swimming. Notice that all these things on his timetable are solitary activities. He had no interest in my life anymore nor saving the relationship. This time, he didn't beg me to stay and I knew he was waiting to get us out of the way so he could go back to porn without someone (well, "fiancee") bitching about it.

4 weeks ago, I left him. I knew I couldn't heal with him taking such a massive step backwards, not in that house, that awful environment.

The reason I've logged back into NoFap today was because last night, I dreamt about it all. I dreamt we were still together but that he was admitting a relapse to me. I remember my dream-self asking, "how many times? How many women?" to which dream-PA said, "Between 3 and 6". I felt the exact same sinking dread and betrayal that I did in real life. I mean, the dream feelings were actually really being felt. SOs write about these feelings toward their partners. The extremities of hate, guilt, regret, frustration, helplessness and hopelessness. The knock of self confidence is inevitable. I also wanted to post to say how my recovery's been going since I left. Just in case any of you identify with the first bit.

My daughter and I left with the help of some amazing friends, colleagues & family. All I told my 14yo is that **** has told some "silly lies" and she never questioned it. They got on well under the same roof as friends but not very close emotionally.

The first 2 weeks were the easiest because they went so fats. I only took 2 days off work to move so for that first fortnight I was either unpacking boxes, moving furniture, contacting services, going to work, spending time with daughter and general cleaning,washing, housework etc.

Then it caught up with me and I've had the last two weeks on amended duties to reduce the pressure, at least emotionally. And I came to a conclusion. Something to end the horror of taking personal responsibility for soemthing I knew nothing about.

The truth is I did not consent to have a relationship with that man. We discussed from the very start what we expect from each other if we both want a monogamous or serious relationship. He had the ideal opportunity then to say, "I'd rather we were casual but maybe see other people" or "I'm not willing to give up Cam Girls, I need more than you." As harsh as it sounds, it would've given me the choice to consent. But he didn't give me a choice. He swore he was faithful and that the impotency was a previous issue too. He tricked me into having a relationship with him and then he trapped me when he put that ring on. All of this knowing I would never stray no matter how sexually frustrated I got.

He's not a sex addict (because he's always impotent with the real women he's tried to have sex with). He's actually just addicted to wanking. And I did not give my consent to be in a relationship with a wanking addict.

Nor did I give consent to stay faithful to an immature, little boy who thinks that little of his body he's willing to stick his dick into a nameless vagina, provided he has £40. I did not give my consent to be with that man. It was not my body or weight loss that caused his ED. It was his stupid unrealistic view of women that was the problem. Even porn stars don't look like porn stars off camera.

This conclusion has greatly helped me get some power back in my life. I'm not so passive now. My depression got so bad that I'm half the size I was and never wanted to get out of bed. But for the past 4 weeks. I've made the most of weekends and love watching our new home coming together. I've booked a total make-over next week inc hair, make-up, nails & clothes. I'm looking forward to a new me, one who's got a brighter future now I've ripped the plaster/band aid off. The best thing about last night's dream is that...it was only a dream. I'll be very cautious when I get into another relationship but I know I need to be whole first. Whole and single for a bit. Although I do have someone who's on my mind - we ran into each other and haven't seen each other for nearly 10 years! I might get in touch with him for Hallowe'en as we're both huge horror fans. We did have a thing back then but the timing was bad (he was grieving) and I didn't want to take advantage - or look like I was - to someone vulnerable from bereavement. I know he liked me but I made the decision to let him go. I'm kinda regretting that now. Whatever happens, there's no rush ;-)

So if you're thinking of leaving, the above is just my experience. I forgive my ex because I have to in order to find peace and resolution. But I don't want to be "friends" with him (because all my male friends are really decent men and respectful husbands that see women as fellow humans).

I wish you all the best for your relationships, especially those with PAs who really are trying (and not just throwing you crumbs). I know mine did try genuinely (with GWs help) for two months and it was real he was more mature and considerate but he's not ready for recovery and only now can I say that is not my fault.