Healing my wounded heart

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Shattered Princess, Nov 6, 2018.

  1. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    My PA husband has been addicted for 20 years. He has never crossed physical boundaries.

    He has withheld sex and love and true intimacy from me because of this horrible addiction for our entire relationship.

    It’s left me wounded, shattered completely broken.

    Now, now, finally after all these years he is ready to change for real. He is doing it all. I see the changes. I believe it...

    But I think it’s too late.

    Who am I anymore?

    I gave my whole self to him. He ruined my spirit. My joy, my passion is gone. I’m depressed.

    I don’t want this for my life. I don’t want this for my children.

    I need to heal from this painful marriage. I need my heart restored. I need to find myself...
     
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  2. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I can relate to this a lot. Welcome.
     
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  3. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    I spent time today in the sunshine. In the cool breeze. Just breathing. Trying to be grateful that I am breathing. That I am physically healthy.

    I spoke with a friend and got some of my feelings out.i think that was helpful.

    I spoke to my husband a minute ago on his lunch break. It started good I felt safe to tell him how badly I was feeling about a few things. He was very understanding and honest. I’m grateful for honesty (I think) but the truth hurts so badly. So I hung up on him(we weren’t fighting we were very calm) I could not handle hearing his voice saying what I did not want to hear. Then I start texting him how there is no hope for us. It’s a weird cycle every other day with me.

    Anyway. I read today. I journaled today. I got fresh air. I’m going to try to eat lunch. And I AM going out tonight for a very fun night. I am promising myself a good time. I think I owe it to myself.
     
  4. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    The back and forth is totally normal, unfortunately. I still feel that was a lot and I'm many months out on this journey.
     
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  5. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    This is driving me crazy. Making me feel like a crazy person.
     
  6. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    I have always known what I want out of life. That came easy to me. Now I have not a clue. My goals, my dreams, my passions, my hobbies, everything is just messed up.

    He is showing me with all his actions that he is changing for the better. He wants this. Why is it so hard for me to accept that?

    He has hurt me so bad. Not only am I afraid to let him have my heart. I feel like he just simply does not deserve my heart anymore.

    I feel like if I allow this to work out and I somehow(hard to imagine) end up happy again that he wins. This is certainly not a game. But I feel like he needs to suffer now... he needs to hurt like I hurt.

    But really I’m loving and gentle and I don’t want him to hurt. Why did he and was he able to let me hurt for so long? The thought of dragging this out any longer seems cruel to him. I don’t want to be cruel. Like he was to me.
     
  7. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I can completely relate to every single word you wrote. I'm sorry I don't have much to say to make this better for you, just know that you have support here and we know how you feel.
     
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  8. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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  9. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    We are separated. Have been for a while now. I know so many people think separation is bad for building back your marriage but I was certain I couldn’t rebuild this marriage and it brought me so much pain seeing him. It really has helped me to have space from him. If he had not given that to me I am sure we would have started a divorce by now.

    Today I miss him. I’m actually shocked by this feeling. He is so busy with work and recovery stuff that I hardly see him.

    We talked for a few minutes just now and I just wanted him to come home. Of course I did not tell him this at all. I’m scared to tell him. I don’t want him to be happy. I don’t want him to have hope that I’m coming around. That he wins. That God answered his prayers.

    If I allow him to come back will he continue his recovery as well? Will he get lazy? There is no room for relapse or slip up for us. His therapist even said a slip/relapse would be unacceptable to this recovery. He knows that but being back home might make it hard not to fall into old habits and routines.

    What woman should have to live with this fear? I certainly don’t want to. But if I don’t have this fear with him then either I’m alone or have the same or different fears with someone else? I’m sure I’ll never properly trust again.

    In my recovery I’m working hard to not look for love, happiness, value or significance in him. I need to find that for myself. He has failed me miserably.
     
  10. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    He came by the house this morning. It was very early I was still asleep. He had to get some things to take to work with him.

    He started doing chores around the house. He took care of the kids. I invited him to lay down with me. He was shocked and very happy. He stopped everything he was doing and jumped into bed and just laid there holding onto me for about 30 minutes. It was nice. Then he left for work. That was all.

    The last 2 minutes of our cuddle session I was being triggered by thoughts I was having of a woman I know he has objectified regularly. I got really uncomfortable. I tried really hard to stop thinking it. I know it’s not what’s happening right now or at that moment but it hurts. I was glad time was up.

    Baby steps I guess...
     
  11. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    Triggering thoughts are taking over my mind. I’ve had a great day so far. There is not a reason to be thinking about anything triggering. My oldest child was telling me a story about school today and I couldn’t listen. My mind kept going to these horrible thoughts. Sadness, anger, resentment, and hopelessness completely overtook me.

    I text my husband and told him. Idk what a therapist would say about that but I think if I’m not being mean it’s good for him to know that I am in pain out of nowhere and cannot even focus on our children because of his behavior.

    I did an exercise my therapist taught me. I walked the dog. I called a friend. I text my husband. I’m journaling. The thoughts stop in the moment but they keep rushing back in.

    I didn’t pray. I can’t pray. That makes me sad.
     
  12. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    I was having very triggering thoughts yesterday. I had been for like a week doing better and in a more hopeful place. After yesterday I am not feeling hopeful.

    How and why was/am I married to this person? Why did I stay so long? Why was I afraid for people to know the truth?

    I’m questioning so much about life now. Things that seemed important just don’t anymore. Like my reputation. I was worried for myself and the kids to have a perfect looking family. I wanted it to be real. I thought it was actually but I think I was just in horrible denial... or maybe he was just that good of a liar. He seemed almost perfect.

    Everything is triggering me. Today it’s TV. It’s on. The kids are watching it. He doesn’t watch TV anymore. He cannot be trusted to watch it. I think of all the times he watched with the kids and all these beautiful girls that I never even realized he had a problem watching. Now I cannot stand it. It’s so stupid that a show with teeny boppers on it can hurt me.

    I don’t deserve this. I know I don’t. He is changing. He has changed tremendously. He is committed. So this is past behavior that I’m worried about not current behavior. I’m so disgusted by him and I know at any moment that he chose to he could fall right back in...
     
  13. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    I’m here with my family just watching them. I feel outside of my body sometimes. This is definitely one of those times. I feel like they can’t even see me.

    Weekends are harder. He is around so much on the weekend. I used to cherish weekends with him. I loved family time and all being together any chance we got. Now I long for Monday and the long week ahead of very little interaction with him.
     
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  14. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    YOU ARE NORMAL . EVERYTHING you are feeling is normal! Check out Bloom for woman . There are free courses . You’ll see there is such normalcy in everything you are feeling ;)
     
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  15. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    It’s so good to know people going through similar experiences. Talking with my friend today we could relate on so many levels.

    My heart started to settle from the feelings I’ve been having. I started remembering old and seeing the current good in my husband. This rollercoaster is completely wearing me out.

    I am so exhausted.

    I wish I could know if I walk through door number 1 or 2 what those outcomes will look like. Of course I can’t. The fear of the unknown just weighs me down.
     
  16. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    I am overwhelmed by all the regular duties in my life that I handled pretty gracefully before. I enjoyed so many things about just taking care of my family. Now I seem to not find joy in anything at all but especially not in my family. My family is all tainted.

    I want to runaway and just start life over. Has anyone done that successfully?

    Depression is a B****
     
  17. Shattered Princess

    Shattered Princess Fapstronaut

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    Triggers triggers triggers....

    Everything triggers me. Everything makes me sad or angry or feel worthless.

    I know my worth and my value doesn’t come from my husband and what he has or hasn’t done or is or isn’t currently doing. There is such a deep dark hole left inside of me after all of this. I know I have to work to fill this hole and to fix myself. He was able to break me but then I am left to fix me.

    He is doing everything to fix him and to be what I need or want moving forward but what about all the lost time. All the time he spent being selfish and hurting me. Breaking my spirit.

    I’ll always know the awful things he has done. I realize after healing I won’t have such a strong emotional response to the memories I have. But these memories are awful. The information is awful. This shouldn’t be part of my story... someone that loves me shouldn’t have done this to our life.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2018 at 3:47 PM

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