HEALING MY HIVE from HURT

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Qnb42078, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut


    Well said QB!! Round of Applause!
    And THIS "Eye fucking every female in the room" I love how you described that....it's sooo fkn true!!
     
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  2. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    We skipped FANOS and talked about the article about triggers I posted . I made it clear that just because we’ve been good, great actually, there’s no telling how I’ll handle them and when . That yes they have lessened ,my physical, emotional responses have lessened but who knows how a trigger will affect me in the future, I can’t predict that . Really good connection all week especially this wknd , he had it off .
     
  3. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Some pretty cool things have happened. While out with relatives over the weekend my cousin said something about men needing their wives for too many things it was in a joking way . My Hubs “ ya I’m not exactly the most independent guy “ anyone that knows us knows I do a lot but it was cool to hear him say it outloud the appreciation For me followed . But then my husband and I were sitting there talking and all of a sudden she brought up that her and her husband got a divorce because he was a porn addict we both shifted in our seats and then my brother ( that knows ) changed the subject . And then Monday at work a new person only been there for a couple weeks she’s been upset her first day because her husband the week before told her he didn’t know if he was in love with her anymore so she’s been on and off crying but trying to hide it and then yesterday she pulled me aside and told me that her husband is a porn addict and is in denial I had to completely change my face and it made me really uncomfortable , I wanted to be there for her I was not willing to tell her my story especially a fellow coworker that I don’t know so I spun my story into that it was my cousin and the next day at work she said everything I said had given her strength to start doing some research on PA and BT . All of this I was able to bring up to my husband last night , neither of us were uncomfortable. It just gets easier to talk about these things these last few months . And then he mention something that totally blew me away my therapist is leaving on maternity leave and is not coming back so he knows I’ll be looking for a new one and he actually said “ maybe before you get your own new therapist we should find a new marriage counselor so we have one , it’s not fair that you’re the only one going to therapy and I understand that “ My heart swelled. He has Never brought up couple counseling since we left the last one in a bad place he knew that I left that appointment disliking our couples counselor very much so over all things of been going well and I definitely told him how much that meant to me and how sometimes he thinks something he is saying is small and in my world it is huge to hear.
     
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I liked that post because of all the positive things that are falling into place in your recoveries and marriage. Lovely to hear. But randomly encountering two women whose relationships are killed because of pornography is frightening. I hope this addiction is not as widespread as it looks.
     
  5. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I think it is WAY more prevalent than we know . It’s such a private addiction because you can’t see it . I truly believe this fellow employee was put in my path for a reason . My therapist has told me to PART of recovery from BT or PA is to be of service to others . It had taken 20 months after BIG DDAY to even begin both of our healing . It’s positive right now , and I hope this makes it just a little easier when things don’t go our way . We are talking . A lot . When the words porn or porn addiction come up with us we don’t shy away or avoid ;)
     
  6. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    We have been progressing. Communication is strong in every way . The “ initiation sex “ has been working well for the most part . Spending 30 minutes just chatting before the tv goes on at night is helping with connection. It feels authentic not forced . I’ve been so much better at not checking on him , not being hyper vigilant. It’s been 3 1/2 months with these changes , the worry is still there Ofcourse but it’s lessened Because we talk about the issues instead of us avoiding.
     
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  7. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Dr Ruthie said awhile back , (8/13/18 ❤️when we BOTH actually started working to repair/recover our relationship ) it’s normal to be weary and worried that this is just a novelty /honeymoon phase , but that after 90 days of real relationship recovery a lot of the tools given “stick “. We are over 120 days into REAL changes .
    732 days P free . He’s 130 days M free . I have my struggles with M now and then .
    DDAY #2 came and went ( 12/22) he asked how my day was , I told him better than expected I was able to speak with very little tears which is really good for me ! He then said “ I’m Sorry “ something he has always had trouble saying IN the moment . He made Xmas special for me again . We missed FANOS a couple weeks in a row . No ones fault . But I realized I relied on this for mostly the sobriety/struggle report before . Where now the others are JUST as important. There’s just all these little changes he’s made in himself that are creating big changes in US . We are both reading The Seven Principles by Gottman . First chapter was boring and I wanted to punch myself in the face , so I was kinda worried about his reaction to it . His response “ the second chapter is much better “ lololol not what I expected. My husband has always been a kind , gentle man . But a man of few words . Which was fine cuz god knows I have TOO MANY WORDS . But now when we have deeper conversations, he’ll say something small and I say “elaborate “ and he chuckles then does just that . Looking back I know for sure that his PA definitely had a huge impact on his ability to be intimate on every level . In regards to the four horseman the only ones that showed up were “defensiveness and stonewalling “ and only with anything regarding his porn use . I’m feeling mentally healthier MOST days . But as expected the trust factor scares the shit out of me . I actually said to him during FANOS LAST MONTH “ FEELINGS - I’m feeling worried that these changes are not authentic and that you are secretly fucking me over “ he looked surprised, not shocked and not mad . He responds with “ totally understand and I have not lied or been faking any words or feeling “ I swooned quietly wondering who the fuck this verbal creature is and I hope he moves in permanently. I do not have rose colored glasses or false hope . I know full well he’s human but he is making progress . I leave next week for a long weekend down south with my oldest . I guess that’s when he will test his restraint . Conversations will happen given what happened while I was away in October
     
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Wish you luck on your trip with everything at home.
    & also, safe travels!
    &! &!! ... happy new years!
     
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  9. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Hi @Qnb42078
    How are you going? Haven't heard from you in a while, hope everything is ok xxx
     
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