HEALING MY HIVE from HURT

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Qnb42078, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    So , he asked on way to visit his mom while holding my hand if I still felt a disconnect. I said “ yes “ he said “ but I’m not doing anything “ sooo I said “ do I wish that I could snap my finger and feel better about things /us , Ofcourse but that’s not how this works , so remember even something small can set us way back , something I have no control over “
    So throughout the night he would jokingly snap his finger , it was funny . We had a great visit , he was attentive and careful of not saying anything immature, yes he can be VERY IMMATURE. So we get home he makes us a couple shipyards w cinnamon. Acts of service GREAT ! An hour later he gets up and says I think I’m going to have another beer , I said ya me too can you make me one too . He literally came back with only a beer for himself . ITS THESE THINGS THAT REMIND ME HOW FUCKING SELFISH OF A PERSON HE CAN BE !!! So I asked why he didn’t make me one too ? He literally had no answer . So I said when I make everybody dinner tmrw I’ll make sure I “forget” yours . Went to bed , not mad but kinda like wtf you were doing so good . Like I swear he’s kinda fucking OBTUSE sometimes. It’s NOT about the beer we all know that , it wasn’t about the psub we all know that .
     
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  2. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    He brought home beer and made me one ;)
    Whatever it is that he’s doing or not doing is NOT getting me any closer to those gushy feelings I have .
    I’ve kept my urges at bay . I know my urges have nothing to do with sex . I know it’s just to make me feel better .
     
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  3. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I have vertigo. Feel like shit . Perfect timing . For some reason topic came up of depression. He’s been falling asleep on couch I suggested depression and he’s pretty sure it’s the candy /soda . But he thought maybe a lil depression but sure it’s the candy because “ I’m content “ well so good for you right ? I said nothing . Content? Are you kidding me? I was starting to become content before I left . But now as I said I have no plans on bringing up FANOS or anything ! Especially not sex . God forbid . He literally asked “ what about you are you feeling depressed “ I said ya I think so , I don’t have a hold on my emotions “
    Sooo he said” ya you get like this if you don’t get endorphins “
    I said nothing. This isn’t about sex , this is the steady stream of bullshit going on in my head since I got back . We went 2 weeks without ( I was away then consequences) then twice last week now a week with nothing . Gah . I’m tired . Gonna go out front and put a sign on “ any takers” mind you we’ve had FOUR weekend nights with NO kids , and tada NOTHING . Shocker . I’m bored . He’s boring ;)
     
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  4. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Content : pleased with your situation and not needing or desiring it to be better .

    Hopefully he doesn’t fully understand the word “content “ when he used it .
    If quantifying the marriage to an 8 as being content and I’m probably at a 5 , we are wayyyy off lol :)
     
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  5. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    Love your profile picture. It is so cute. :) :) :)
     
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  6. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Soo . FANOS . FANOS .
    It makes it so it’s not a whole bunch of fucking word vomit . OUR F matched , he felt what I was feeling , lonely . Our A , he a couple weeks later felt the need to apologize for the click . N we both had the same , need for the connection. O , I owned my guard going up , he owned his behavior for my guard going up . S , I struggled with hyper vigilance since I’ve been back . HIS S was all good , he wrote he’d work on integrity.
    We are now going to do FANOS midweek AND once on the weekend
     
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  7. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Some questions we went over had to do with his fetish .
    Me : when we do those things does it trigger you to go look it up
    Him : absolutely not , way better to do it then watch someone else
    The fetish started before porn addiction .
    I’m just wondering what if we stopped , would he then seek the Porn affiliated with it ?
     
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  8. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    FANOS went well on Sunday . It’s funny I was tired and just wanting to speak them but he still wanted to do it on paper so he wouldn’t forget lol
    That’s progress ! He could have just fluffed and he didn’t ;)
    We both have new jobs ( apart from each other for the first time in 15 years )
    We were called the Siamese twins . This feels weird and pretty traumatic to be honest . We always worked together:(
    I have this whole separate thing now .
     
  9. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I’m going out on a girls night tonight . I stopped saying YES a long time ago probably a decade , because was consumed with what my husband would /could do . Like I had control over it somehow . Girls trips , nights out, all while he had that secret laptop. We have the money where I could have said yes to ANYTHING. I missed out on a lot . I’m thankful my BF still asks ;)
    So we talked last night about what to avoid . I said to him “ I’d like a night out free of worry of what my husband is doing “
    I hate that this is how it has to be , how it’s been , but whatever. I’m going to do my best to have a great time !
     
  10. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Yeeeeee!!!
    Girls nights are the best :)
    Have a blast; you deserve it!
    I'll gather some bail $ :emoji_joy:
     
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  11. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    SO just called from work as I won’t see him before I leave . He initiated and directed the convo in the direction of tonight . The things he will do , won’t do and he stressed he “ i fucked up when you were away , I am putting things in place . I just want you to have a great time out !”
    There was more to it , but him acknowledging why I was nervous was HUGE and I said so !! USE YOUR WORDS LADIES !!!
     
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  12. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    Enjoy yourself tonight! I'm wishing we could all have a NoFap girls' night out :)
     
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  13. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I had a fanfuckingtastic time ! The Patron shots helped . I laughed ! I danced !
    I’m going to say YES more !! AND I told my BF of 27 years . It slipped out , I’ve isolated myself for 2 years . I haven’t been the best friend I could be /used to be . It was a quick convo , one that requires a much longer sit down .
    AND to report , he was a well behaved grown up even though both my boys unexpectedly went out for the night . Progress !! AND he was open right away this morning in bed . He brought it up . So I felt really open and we started the day AMAZING;)
     
  14. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    FUNNY STORY !! That became NOT funny .
    I’ll set the scene but SERIOUS TRIGGERS and I don’t know how to do that trigger /spoiler thingy !!


    TRIGGER WARNING !!!!
    So , Friday both boys were out for the night . We had plans to see his mom at nursing home . Had to leave by 6:30 to feed her dinner ( she won’t eat their food , so it’s a second dinner ) .
    I decided to surprise him when he got home at 5:30 . He didn’t get home until 5:50 . But heck it was already set in motion ! Trying to be spontaneous! Lights off , one candle on table in living room . I was on couch “waiting “ music playing . He was SHOCKED at what I was wearing ( I’ve worn it before but only on vacation lol ) He came right over to me . At first all shy . But totally “ready” right away lol
    Cut to 20 min later ( a lot of fun ) he started “ losing it “ . I revived “it” orally albeit temporarily. At that point I stopped trying . . I was embarrassed. Disgusted that of all nights /times , in a full blue fishnet getup he was losing his erection . It shouldn’t have been like this . I quickly moved to a spot where he couldn’t see my face and put my robe on . Again I can not say how embarrassing this was for me . I said “ I’ll go get dressed so we can eat and go “ Ofcourse I was crying . I hid it .
    He said “ I don’t know what happened ! “
    I came downstairs and I knew he could tell I was upset , but he kept saying “ your mad at me “ . I said I was not mad . We were running late so we ate in the car. Barely tasting anything. Holding back my tears . WHERE MY HEAD WENT : ok he had PIED in the past , maybe 3 out of 10 times he would lose it . His old thoughts and worries of PIED sometimes still causes performance anxiety . WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WAS PROGRESS AND good . The old routine was me getting upset and holding in the full WHY . He said “ we can try that next Friday ! “ I said I’m mortified,embarrassed, feel stupid planning that “
    He said “ I know what you are probably thinking, that I did something today already or that you are triggered of the past , what I’m about to say will probably make things worse , I’ve done nothing, I was thinking about a beer and dinner the whole ride home , you caught me off guard , I knew we were running late to feed my mom I got in my head and I’m so sorry ! I know I fucked up , tell me everything you are feeling PLEASE “
    Ofcourse I in my head was like WOW , who is this person with words and feelings ??
    My response
    “ it reminded me of ALL the years of you losing it , our 10th anniversary where you got home and I was in my wedding dress , wedding perfume , candles , it started great and you lost it . All the times I felt it was ME doing something wrong . I’m embarrassed. This shouldn’t be happening anymore , in the last year there’s been a handful of times where you lost it and I doubted you . I doubted you almost immediately tonight , I let go of that cuz I know your good and quickly went to embarrassed and thinking I’ll never surprise you again , I want to burn what I was wearing even though you’ve asked for “avatar” .
    HIM : I’m sorry I’m sorry , I swear I’m still no PM . I’m sorry I lost it and had NOTHING to do with you , we can try again ! Surprise me again because that was sexy AF and awesome. I can’t believe I was capable of even losing it then , my brain got in the way “
    Me : it will be a while before I do that again and that has more to do with me than you “
    We had a great visit with his mom . He was really affectionate all night after , where in the past we both would have stayed away from actually communicating what happened. Progress .
    We get home and he seduced me lol
    All gentle seducing . He knew the “sexy” was gone and knew obviously I needed reassurance , slow , gentle loving . He succeeded in everything. And we talked more in depth yesterday . And I know it 100% will be part of FANOS . I need to make sure we leave FANOS with neither of us feeling badly . I need to be clear , I in no way meant to make him feel bad about himself. I know he was fully present in the “sex scene act 1 take two “
    I think the communication around this HAD to happen. Maybe a part of the healing process that should have happened a lot sooner .
     
  15. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Great FANOS !! Lots of words and feelings . I left the conversation with the heaviness of some residual feelings from Friday being cleared up . I feel good . I feel in control of my emotions
     
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  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm so glad!! :)
    It truly seems like a real tide is being turned for you guys! :)
     
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  17. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Fucking finally! I’m a pretty understanding person when there are words and feelings involved. If we had just left things the way they were FRIDAY night like we used to , who knows how long that trigger would last !!
     
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  18. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I have been dizzy for a month . Brain scan normal so we now do more tests :(
    On a positive note , my husband has been soooo empathetic. Pre DDAY, I could be bloody and wounded crawling around the house and he’d ask for dinner lol
     
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  19. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I got a PM from a PA asking how the porn addiction affected my sexuality and femininity, because I had said it affected me to the core of both . I want to put it here

    sex·u·al·i·ty
    /ˌsekSHo͞oˈalədē/
    noun
    1. capacity for sexual feelings.
      "she began to understand the power of her sexuality"
      synonyms: sensuality, sexiness, seductiveness, desirability, eroticism, physicality; More
      • sexual activity
    fem·i·nin·i·ty
    /ˌfeməˈninədē/
    noun
    1. the quality of being female; womanliness.
      synonyms: womanliness, feminineness, womanly qualities, feminine qualities
      "she was a woman truly comfortable with her femininity"
    I’m sure you have seen it everywhere on here from SO on the hurt . There’s more to it .
    I’m alpha . I’m a boss bitch ( literally owned a few stores with my husband ) I’m a take charge kinda gal . But I’m also a feminine girly girl . Not like long dresses and soft voice lol . I keep myself looking nice . I think we’ve discussed before how I too enjoyed a dabble in PMO . I didn’t have a problem until it became one . Every time my SO would lose an erection your mind automatically thinks you are doing something wrong . Your sexuality takes hits over and over again . Not being chosen . Not being the center of attention of your Husband while out on a “date “dressed up , long hair down etc , but all the other men notice you . But he’s too busy eye fucking every female in the room . ( he never was this way up until the two years before DDAY ) . It got bad . High school sports events . The too young barely dressed XC girls etc . You start to lose what you thought you were in his eyes . His queen . His everything . His only want and desire . You feel like a tag along when you are out together. So you start to amp up your femininity. You wear a little more revealing clothes . You wear more makeup. You wear costumes. You try everything you have in your feminine arsenal . And .... nothing . So yes , as a byproduct of having my husband be a porn addict it affected my femininity, my sexuality and how I saw myself . I do not stand alone in this . We are almost 2 years since DDAY . Almost 2 years of NO P . It only started getting better 8 weeks ago when he started actually doing some work . Watching the Dr Weiss “ how to help heal 100% pushed us together. And FANOS !!
    I hope this made sense . When we speak of betrayal trauma , it is no fucking joke . I advise you to do some research on this . Buy the video series if you really want to know what she’s feeling .
     
  20. I totally relate to this. I look back to when I met my husband and saw his instagram. I started posting more sexy photos and then he would be mad at me! He didn't want anyone to see my cleavage, or my legs, etc. I was trying to compete. To get him to SEE ME. I wore lingerie, did everything I could think of....

    The PA totally destroyed my femininity and sexuality. I used to be insanely sexual and confident, and always was quite feminine (yet totally the "male" type - leader, hard worker, kickass, etc.). Ever since the PA I have so many thoughts/insecurities in bed and can't really be there, and my femininity is slowly coming back... like I have this new shirt that is kinda flowy and fancy and it's black and pink.... and Jak loves it and I love it, but... he see's me.... so it's nice...
     
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