HEALING MY HIVE from HURT

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Qnb42078, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    It’s so fucking confusing. How do WE as an SO stop the feelings of being mind fucked. I mean I know everything has been 100 % genuine and honest for the past 5 weeks or so , BUT do I let this ERASE all the work we’ve done ? I dunnooooo
     
  2. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Sooooo I stood firm . I was not on call for his break ( he takes lunch in his car ) instead he had 2 really good threads that I forwarded to him . Thank you @NF4L , that one I mentioned that I saved of yours . It was a perfect day for it and another on Psubs . He knew he wasn’t getting dinner either . But yet , he came home with flowers , balloons and a card . Now , this isn’t what WE do . I’m not a gifts person . But he knew without me saying it that I needed something today . That was THOUGHTFUL. On a stressful day of HIS , he was thinking about ME all day and wha he had done . The card written in was enough . He wrote all about integrity. There’s more to it though . I stuck to my consequences and he didn’t pout . Not once . Ofcourse I’m upset , more disappointed than anything I think . But the silver lining is with the boundaries being tested , I was able to see I AM strong enough to stand firm . Even with all the love I have for him I was firm . And he is taking the consequences for what they are . Not rules with punishment, but boundaries with consequences. Two completely different things . I didn’t know how to be once a boundary was crossed .was scared I wouldn’t do it right. I’m ok . He’s ok . It didn’t erase anything but clearly shows that we were so focused on US , and not enough on HIS recovery work . See all 3 at the same time . Had he been defensive in ANY way , THAT would have undone most of the work .
     
  3. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I’m feeling like my guard is going up . Like self preservation or whatever . I for weeks was healing not vigilant not checking not questioning motives not thinking everything was suspect. I’m not back to doing those things but I know for sure I will not feel safe the next time he happens to be home alone which rarely happens . I can’t control that I know that . BT won’t let me . Everyday I was just trying to BE better . I was doing everything I could to keep everything at bay . And when BT reared it’s ugly head the last time WE handled it . This time WE are handling it but I just feel sad . Like I just made MYSELF way too vulnerable WAY to quick . I told him that I was starting to fall in love with him , not that I stopped but that I was feeling like I could start to love freely with the man he was becoming. And then it’s like he ripped the words “ love freely “ right out of my soul . For the first time in a decade his words were matching his actions . He was USING words . But then he went all addict brain . I know it wasn’t P . I know it’s probably not a big deal to some . But the intent . What was behind it ? Boredom yes . “ when I clicked it I knew immediately it was wrong “ so I said “the problem is you knew it was wrong before you did it , and did it anyway . Yes you immediately felt dumb yes you felt guilt , but it was avoidable 100%”
    I understand he’s a man . I get it , I do . But for fucks sake all the words that I’ve said so many many many times I just sometimes feel unheard .
     
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  4. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    I totally understand your fear. It's not that one psub link he clicked - it's what else he might do if he can do that the first time he's home alone? It terrifies me when my husband's words don't match his actions, even in small ways.
     
  5. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Right . Anxiety is built on fear , even if it’s irrational. My fear of going away without him is EXACTLY what I expected. He did not expect it
     
  6. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    It might not have been P this time but this is how it starts out and then can escalate to P. I totally get why you feel the way you do. Did he actually try to implement any tools to stop himself or had he already been thinking like that on and off for days, about how the opportunity was there while you were away?
     
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  7. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    This is one of my questions for tonight
     
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  8. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    From what he said it was unexpected. but ill need more than that
     
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  9. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I think it’s crazy how quickly circumstances big or small can just bring you right back to where you were . Overprotective of your heart . Gah . It’s not even like I can control it . I have literally hid and quickly sobbed everyday in disgust of myself. How quickly I let myself jump . I’m annoyed
     
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  10. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Consequences ended at 7pm . We then each had 10 Qs to answer regarding what I’m calling a “ boundary slip “
    Mine was “ aftermath” . We both answered honest thank god . I told him how I felt all week . Moving on . Moving fwd . There is something to be said about boundaries and consequences. There was no silent treatment, no stonewalling no “ the punishment doesn’t fit the crime “ we were both still kind to each other . Outside of that were my feelings . My doubts . TBC
     
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  11. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    We both had the weekend off . Went ok . But I felt a disconnect and it is 100% on me . Like it was fine , Ofcourse Tv triggers me because it’s just mostly bad for an SO . It didn’t ruin the wknd or anything but I kinda feel like there’s a door stopper on my heart like it won’t open all the way . Then I get sad , then I get mad for being sad . I’m a fuckkng mess lol
    It’s not like he even did anything. I know he doesn’t have to for the BT to come up .
     
  12. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Completely in a funk . When he called during break yesterday I felt blah . When he got home he asked if I was ok , I said I felt blah he said I sounded blah atleast he’s noticed. While in a deep hug he asked where the blah was coming from and I fucking said it “ I want to feel how I felt before I left , I want to be silly I want to feel happy “ he squeezed tighter and said “ ok more of this will help “ he’s right but then I couldn’t sleep , just thinking what if THAT was a honeymoon phase ? A 5 week honeymoon phase , god I REALLY hope not . I’m not staying and doing all these things, to have things go back to how they were before . Yes with no P , but with no true connection. I’m thinking I won’t mention FANOS , or initiate sex , and see how long that goes without him noticing . Ugg but that’s a test , I want to be done with the fucking tests
     
  13. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I definitely had a honeymoon phase last year with all this and it is gone and I want that back. Not sure how to get there, though.
     
  14. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Honesty, integrity, loyalty! It’s like I literally reset . I’m back to freeze mode blah . God I wish I could control it and shitty part is now the script is back in the back of my mind like what if he’s just fucking me over and he’s a really good actor. Rationally I know this isn’t true but , that is what untrust does ;(
     
  15. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yep. :(
     
  16. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    Instead of making this a test for him, what if you made a B & C? Tell him that you're tired of driving the ship. You need him to initiate a FANOS conversation by the end of the week (or whenever). If he doesn't, the consequence will be no calls on his work breaks/sleeping apart/whatever. Then he's not guessing about what you need, and you're not constantly hoping he can read your mind.
     
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  17. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I know I’ve thought of that , about adding it to my list as a B&C . I just think what my sis said about this seeming like a lot of work for ME is kinda weighing on me I guess . I know all of us get annoyed with the work WE have to do when we’ve don’t nothing wrong ;(
     
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  18. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Hang in there @Qnb42078 . I'm really glad we all have each other here. I look at all you SO's who's PA's counters were / are in triple figures and my PA's is like 21 days, what a long way to go I've got...... :eek: Sending you hugs xx
     
  19. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I'm working the "map" part of my workbook; going through each time I suspected/knew something, how it made me feel, yada yada & it is ripping me to shreds. I had a whole treasure trove of repressed memories to rival my current ones apparently, & good Lord, does it hurt uncovering those.

    I see PAs as the tin man from Wizard of Oz; they're all rusty, need some help, & trying to find their heart.

    Hope things start looking up :)
     
  20. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Or brain lolololo
     

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