HE TOLD SOMEONE IRL

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Queenie%Bee, Jul 18, 2019.

  1. Augustin

    Augustin Fapstronaut

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    You are making it difficult, man. OP is cool about me asking and is actually trying to explain her stance.
     
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I’ve never failed communication of any kind with him , he literally while in the P can not communicate like an adult . Good on you for not being a PA and not betraying someone’s trust . But just be careful condemning anyone here , practice grace . So many ppl on here are struggling and deserve respect as humans
     
  3. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I am way cool lol , I’m explaining my stance but you could take a note on grace when approaching ANYONE commenting on my post . @TryingHard2Change is at least holding himself accountable. Admitting his faults , is IN recovery and has been brutally honest and open with his wife . THAT I respect.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  4. Augustin

    Augustin Fapstronaut

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    I know. It's difficult. None of this is easy. Sometimes it's seems like it's not going anywhere.
     
  5. Augustin

    Augustin Fapstronaut

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    That is for that poor woman to decide. My stomach turns by only thinking about it. Some stories here are very heavy and his is one of them. I don't want to judge too much, but he knows that too.
     
  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ok ok . Post over . Have a good night . No more kicking people when they are down . Conversation was way off topic and getting personal .
     
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Don't feed the condescending and patronizing trolls. That's all I have to say about one particular poster.

    @Qnb42078 It's good that he finally spoke to someone about it, but he should get some balls and speak to you about it directly, instead of going to his sister, knowing you'll hear it from her. It is totally understandable that you would not feel as though you can trust him again. He has proven over and over and over that you can't. You have been through a lot and have fought and fought. You do what you gotta do to take care of you and your boys. :emoji_hearts:
     
  8. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Women in general are not complicated, really. To be loved, honored, respected and appreciated would make many of us happy.

    Unfortunately that’s the exact opposite of what most wives aka so’s of PA’s experienced. The experience of betrayal trauma makes us complicated
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  9. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    It's a shame that this thread's drifted so far from the first post. It is interesting (for us porn addicts) to hear what our significant others think about us reaching out to tell someone in real life. My wife is quite anxious that I do not tell many people, and she is reluctant to tell people too. She is close to her sister, but she hasn't told her. She's reminded me several times that she does not want me to tell our kids (we've a 26 year old daughter and a 24 year old son). I think what frightens her is that it would destroy peoples respect for me. I present as somewhat the opposite of a porn addict. I have told our best friend, and I have come very close to telling my sister. We have discussed pornography a few times over the years and in fact the last time was a couple of weeks ago when I stayed over. But it was a political discussion and I couldn't see a way to turn it deeply personal. I'm reluctant to talk to my brother about it, I suspect he's addicted too.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  10. Augustin

    Augustin Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely. I agree.

    This is my point. A good fried of mine had this with his wife. He was doing things behind her back and she found out about some of those things. It involved a computer. What she basically wants now is controlling each aspect of his private life. She wanted him to give up his privacy completely. It sounds extreme and it is, but I can imagine where it comes from. He has proven to be incapable of respecting the relationship they had when he actually had the freedom. Now, each time he goes out with us, she loses her mind while we just want to enjoy our time together. Those things happen in her imagination. We are just having a good time. Will that kind of control solve the problem?
     
  11. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    My wife and I are about as completely recovered from all of this as I can imagine. It takes time and consistency and honesty, but healing does happen. The main thing that makes the difference, imho? The PA must be 100% done with the addiction. It is hard if not impossible for the relationship to heal when the addict is still active in the addiction.

    Out of respect for the OP, I won't comment further along these lines in this thread, but if you want to start a new thread asking these questions and tag me in it or DM me, I am happy to discuss my own experience.
     
  12. Augustin

    Augustin Fapstronaut

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    Interesting. I might do that or contact you.
    OP has been more nice to me than some others. I don't think she minds, but I understand what you mean.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2019
  13. Sweetheart, my goodness, you are certainly one to tempt fate! Not sure if you have any belief in karma (or the golden rule, doing unto others...) but I would be scared to death to throw something like this out into the world. I've been around long enough to see every single thing I've ever done boomerang right back to me. Please do work on empathy towards your brothers and sisters.

    I won't say anything else other than attempt to address what I believe you are seeking in these posts - why do the SOs stay with the men? Do the men have some sort of superpowers? Are they Gods in the bedroom because they have learned so much from P? Did the PA just do a good job of finding someone so unsure of herself that she will stay through whatever? Are all the SOs here weak, living in poverty and dependent on the man therefore can't leave? The answer is NO. We LOVE our partners. Love is a powerful thing. It's really the only thing that can overcome the evil that exists in the world and more importantly, the evil that exists within ourselves.
     
  14. Augustin

    Augustin Fapstronaut

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    I don't think that's how karma works, but I will leave it at that.

    I know that it's true. All SO's love their partners. Even when they say the exact opposite. That means that there is a lot of good in these men too. Sometimes I just think it's a bit unfair how these men are presented. I don't mean anyone in person, but women can say/do some very cruel things. Those things hurt too.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  15. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    This is not at all true. Loving the unlovable is a real thing. We are not loved because we are good already; we are and become increasingly good because we are loved no matter what. At least, that has been my experience. (And I do mean this in a spiritual sense, referring to God's love for us. I do not believe such love is possible by humans without God's help.)

    Now I have completely derailed this thread once again, and I apologize profusely to the OP! From here on out, my hands are tied and I will type no more! :)
     
  16. It's clear to me that you have been hurt deeply. I don't know by who or when or why but I think we can help if you share with us YOUR feelings and YOUR experiences. I tried to look into your story a bit to get a better understanding of you, but your information is locked down. I get it. Maybe too painful to go there at this point. I hope you'll be able to open up in the future and allow the community to help you as it has helped us. I'm glad you are here where help can be found. We can be very supportive when given the opportunity. I hope it's ok that I follow you in hopes of learning more about you and being able to support you in your journey, whatever that involves. Best of luck to you.
     
  17. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    If you link these two thoughts from the very same post from yourself then you should have some perspective.

    Plenty in life isn't fair. I don't think a moral inventory is the way to go for this very reason. It doesn't mean we shouldn't try to be civilized in our dealings with each other, but fundamentally it is a matter of being myopic and wanting to advocate for "our side." Beyond the men/PA side vs. the SO side there is a whole bunch of context that is ignored, and the immediate context here is it is a personal post about the SOs experience. This forum is Partner Support. To ignore the context is most likely the self centered tendency that addiction recovery speaks about, even if it is generalized to the PAs side of the story rather than a particular individual advocating for that group.
     
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  18. Me too! So sorry OP! Back to the attention on YOU!
     
  19. Augustin

    Augustin Fapstronaut

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    That's hard to accept. I beleive that the only kind of love that can be unconditional is that of a mother to a child. You are making this more complicated and I was just claimig that women were complicated. lol.

    @Qnb42078 is a bit tired today. Let's hope she gets well soon. She didn't really kick us out yet and the topic is interesting. :)
     
  20. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Human beings are complicated. The complexity is baked right into the cake. No way around it. Enjoy the ride!

    And now, having gone back on the promise to henceforward remain silent that I have only just made, I throw myself on @Qnb42078 's mercy and hope that she will not banish me from her threads forever after all of this. Good day!
     
    Numb and HeartBrokenAndScared like this.

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