He is at it again (help needed!)

Relapses are part of any addiction, they happen for most people, including people addicted to P.

Also, you mentioned him being very depressed, he may have other underlying issues. I think most important is to establish a good communication relationship and try to work at it together.

 

He absolutely has to admit the problem to himself to make progress. He further has to fully own the problem with or without you. If you didn't have firm boundaries and consequences before, try those, but I would suggest they be really harsh but not permanent. One boundary should be to devise a plan himself by x date. Lots of resources and support he can get here to do this, and that should be first because that shows he is committed to at least look like he's addressing this proactively.

If he owns it, he should be willing to give you a heart felt apology .... Not gaslighting. Never heard of that term before the partner forum here, but his response fits.

Psubs over porn does mean he's trying on one level and trying to avoid dropping the habits and comfort of his addiction on the other hand. He needs to give you both hands.

 

Before you try anything drastic, I cannot emphasize enough, see a marriage counselor! You don't want to take some internet advice and do something extreme, only to have it explode. Ask the professionals for help, it's literally their job to know what kinds of boundaries, punishments, and escalation of force will work.

 

True but make sure they don't think porn is OK or the whole situation gets worse.

 

And that's one of the big reasons I'm pushing for a Christian marriage counselor. Christian marriage counselor won't say porn is okay! The secular ones may very well advocate for alternative lifestyles, which sounds like the last thing you want.

 

I agree with with hooeforhealing...absolutely no porn or substitutes..and as for theraphy...make sure it’s a Certified Sexual addiction therapist. We had one theraphist who minimized the entire situation. He was fired immediately.
Sex addiction Counselors know the signs and symptoms and are skilled in working with addicts and their addictions.

 

Hi Lilla_my... YES, you are sane. Don’t doubt yourself. They will do anything and everything to keep their addiction going and growing. It’s just the way it is. It’s a horrible situation to be in, as well as extremely sad.
My PA has always put his needs, wants and desires ahead of everyone else’s in the family. We are at a point right now, where I feel he is doing the minimum to get by. He’s not remorseful and he keeps trying to justify.
Yes I am frustrated, angry, hurt , betrayed...BUT...I am stronger in setting boundaries. This isn’t about him any longer, it’s about me protecting me.
I don’t trust his words...I look for actions
I don’t trust his, “oh sorry.” ...I look for remorse
I watch and see if he sits in his uncomfortable emotions and provides feedback in terms of understanding, listening and acknowledging with the annoying behaviour stopping.
This is a long freakin road...
Learn as much as you can about betrayal trauma, sexual addiction,and emotional abuse.
You have to take care of you...
I think I speak for every spouse of a sex addict when I say , WE ARE HERE FOR YOU...

 

Considering that I’m a recovering addict, I want to give you some inside details to how our addict brains/bodies work. I’ll admit that psubs are accidental most of the time and it does offer a “less guilty” bandaid for relapsing even though it’s bullshit logic. If a person is seriously trying to quit porn, I want to give them the benefit of the doubt and say they won’t start searching for subs until they come across a trigger.

In other words, let’s say a PA is not horny and not intending to get off but is casually surfing the internet then they get a random erection or a perverted curiosity after reading/seeing a small reminder of what gets them aroused... That’s all it takes for their brain to start lighting up. Before they know it, they’re edging away until they fall over.

When I first quit PMO, I never intended to relapse but there are triggers all over the place. It depends on what turns you on (obviously). Triggers pop up in images, written text, or even flashback memories of fantasies/past events. When an addict is alone, their mind is vulnerable. It takes a lot of exercise in self-control for the urges to become less intense. It all depends on whether the addict sees the importance and urgency of quitting.

I get triggered occasionally but I don’t entertain those moments. THERE WAS A TIME WHERE I DID. I felt like a horny monster that had no self-control. It took years of guilt, self-loathing, and insecurity for me to put a nofap plan in motion.

For what it’s worth, consider that I love my bf and I think he’s gorgeous. My addiction is not determined by how much I value him. My addiction is 100% based on objective sexual release. My relapses did not make me love my bf less and I had no desire to cheat. I had a compulsion to have orgasms in private because it was a lifelong habit that I never outgrew. Some people play golf, some people watch porn and play with themselves... Not all addicts are the same. Some people do cheat and find their partners repulsive. I can’t say what your partner feels.

You can choose to empathize with his addiction and forgive his slip ups if you can but what’s equally important is his attitude toward your feelings. He owes you respect, partnership, disclosure, and compassion. As long as you make him feel safe, he should open up to you. Sometimes we coil up and lie by omission because we feel misunderstood. At the same time, it’s our responsibility as addicts to understand the hurt we caused.

What’s most important is how YOU feel about taking the role as a partner of an addict. It’s not a life worth living for a lot of people. There is a lot of work caring for an invalid and excusing them again and again for disappointments. Over time, partners of addicts often build resentment and they negatively affect the addict in a way that fuels the addiction. There are a lot of caveats to this.

I absolutely sympathize with you and I think you need to air yourself out and reflect on what kind of relationship you want and whether you think you can have it here. If he shows potential and genuine commitment, ask yourself if it is enough for you. Don’t feel trapped or guilty if it’s not. Don’t lie to yourself! You deserve to be happy.

 

Hello, so how are you doing emotionally? You’re doing the right thing by looking for actions. I’m proud of you for protecting you.
You are correct...loving, supporting, being kind and respectful, often has very little effect. Tough love..action, consequences seem to work a bit better.
You are going to come out the other side of this circus...stronger, empowered and wiser. Just make sure to ALWAYS take care of you first and foremost.
My thoughts and prayers are will you.

 

Hi babes, I know how much we all love reading success stories, I am on 365 days of Nofap today and I have been reading soaring eagles book, on rebooting as the best remedy to PMO. I am grateful to @HMHU for providing The material for me to download to my kindle to read in my own comfort zone and spare time. I hope all brothers and sisters on this website can benefit from rebooting material and articles written by other forum users and authors. I would like to share with you an excerpt from the book slightly reworded, hoping that it will help you grow stronger and move forward. I found it to be very mentally beneficial, motivating, uplifting.

Here goes,

Increasing brainpower, avoiding wet dreams, cultivating health, regular reading and studying.

Due to PMO and or wet dreams the brain Decreases in power. PMO or wet dreams Injures brain power. in traditional Chinese medicine pmo injures the kidneys and damages brainpower. The main areas that are affected are our memory, comprehension, concentration, and thinking abilities. All these are significantly affected. They all take a downturn in varying degrees. Producing the following symptoms in a person , Stupid, slow to react, lacking impatience, restlessness, easily angered and agitated.

When the brain power is low, chores and tasks become difficult. The reduction of brainpower is especially disastrous for students involved with PMO.

Under normal circumstances, recovering from PMO is relatively difficult. It would appear that it requires half a year of rebooting and health cultivation. It’s a gradual process which requires the following, controlling wet dreams, stop sexual fantasies, actively exercising, silent meditation, brain nourishing food moderate intake and maintenance.

When these points have been thoroughly applied, brainpower will enjoy a substantial recovery. When brainpower is increased, a person will refresh. Difficult topics will become easier to understand, meaning easier comprehension and determination , Concentration, memory and comprehension will increase.

Rebooting Has the ability to raise the level of wisdom in a person. Once the brain power has been recovered a change in destiny can be a achieved. One brain power is good things you did previously which were poor, in all becomes easier. Your destiny will change accordingly. Brainpower is important, cut out PMO.

Improve on the speed on advancement of your realisation.

The thought process. First step is to reform the thoughts, increase the awareness of Rebooting t through studying . To reboot, the thoughts must be transformed. Through study rebooting Will become easier. Through understanding other peoples experiences your own awareness will increase and when confronting various issues you will then have a reliable answer. If you don’t study you will have a hard time rebooting. A little each day is making progress. thoughts must be transformed. Once study mentality kicks in, awareness will increase by leaps and bounds. The more regular and thorough your thoughts rewire, the easier it is to reboot .

On a final note it is important to maintain daily vigilance. After thoughts have been rewired you will notice you are out of tune with the people around you. Because you have fully understood the truth of PMO. You have seen it for what it really is. most people are on the road to self-destruction completely oblivious to the approaching symptoms.

Your husband must study the book posted by HMHU in the forum written by soaring eagle who has dedicated 7+ years to the researched causes and effects of pmo.

Society today has been polluted by pornography ideology and sexual debauchery. In addition to the harmlessness theories promoted by doctors and Alike, therefore the vast majority of people are bound to not see the truth clearly.

This precisely confirms the saying, truth is controlled by a few people.

We are bound to be a minority who knows the truth and what we need to do is find the proper timing and method to help our brothers and sisters, help our former selves, and in the process help ourselves.

The end.
Please copy this in to your life journal and hope it helps.