Hay, I might be here for a slightly different reason

Hello and welcome from another England member

 

The single greatest learning tool I found was this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_RIm9ZMN1I

Thanks for posting by the way, reading posts and responding are part of my recovery. The above video totally altered my perception of my problem and my solution. Before it, like many of us here, I believed the problem was one of faulty character, lack of or weak will power, being unable to deal with sexual urges. I now know my problem is in the brain, above the belt, not below it. Understanding that was huge for me. After the video I realized there was a scientific explanation for my fascination with porn and PMO. While I know the difference between real sex and porn, my brain's chemical reward cannot tell the difference; it thinks porn IS sex, and since it rewards sex by the release of a drug we love, dopamine, high speed internet porn actually comes to be preferred over the real sexual experience--it provides something actual sex cannot provide, something we evolved never to experience: limitless new sexual experiences which represent endless dopamine fixes.

Since your post says you have "been on the other side of the story" I guess you have been involved with a guy who has the PMO monster on his back. It is easy for me to say but, don't take it personally. Porn literally rewires our brains and we don't even know it while it is happening. It is quite recent that the scientific community has come to realize that merely looking at an image can cause an addiction. For me, quitting porn, and that means not watching it, thinking of it, imagining it, remember it, or using porn substitutes, was key. It just triggered a drug I could not handle. I quit because my partner asked me to quit. Due to P I had developed the inability to O during real sex. Could have real sex all day and liked it, but could not reach climax. That messed with my partner's self esteem. I don't think that until I realized that not being able to O with my partner hurt her did I really get serious about quitting. It did not bother me I could only O with P, but now I realize I was a bit selfish in my conceptualization of the problem. Anyway, hope this has helped a bit. Thanks again for posting, responding to it is another way for me to educate myself. Good luck on your journey.

 

I saw your post the other day on /r/nofap and it really moved me. I hope you can find what you're looking for here.

When you ask about motivations, what do you mean? Motivations for starting PMO? Mine is as simple as having the opportunity, a dial up connection, and a fascination with the female form at a young age. It soon became a habit and by the time high school came around it was a symptom of a much larger depression that included social anxieties. I saw a lot of people just starting to explore relationships and didn't think I could do it myself. This feeling was exacerbated by my obesity at the time. I'm not sure how, exactly, but I did wind up losing my virginity in my teens. Even with this experience, I felt more comfort in my habit than in the pursuit of a relationship. People were just so scary!

As for my motivation for quitting PMO: it's just part of a larger journey I've been on for the last 2 years. I've lost 100 pounds, gone back to school to pursue a career in Environmental Technologies, had relationships, had sex, and made a lot of wise decisions. Sometimes I still struggle, but I know that I'm doing the right thing with the actions I'm taking today to improve my tomorrow. Being a part of communities like this is really helping me find the motivation to continue, and I hope to give as much as I get in that regard.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

 

Hi there. Porn is something that has affected many of us. Normally we first start exploring our sexual tastes at a young age, and with having computers readily available it's only natural that we tend to deal with our hormones, and for me that started at the age of 9. I've been an addict for 8 years, almost half of my life. It's still a shocker to say that to myself, because for the longest time I was deceived that it was only natural. Growing up, it was only common to hear about guys masturbating and how it was a healthy habit and it was completely natural, so why wouldn't it be natural to masturbate while watching porn? And it took me a few years to really grasp the concept of how much it has affected me and so many others, I only wish that young kids of either sex could be taught the dangers of pornography.

My main motivation to quit pornography was that I felt controlled, and used. I had started to research what the signs of an addiction was and what some addictive symptoms were. I was very naive, and many of us were, or still are. Researching about the brain, chemicals, and everything that porn does to us that we cannot control has greatly increased my sensibility of the topic and it has allowed me to get over much of the emotional part. I am now over 200 days clean, and very proud of my achievements.

BTW welcome to the community, be seeing you around.

 

Hi acidandaardvarks, sorry to hear about your experience, but I think that was much the way my partner felt, and like the guy you mention, at the time I had no idea why it would be hurtful to her. After all, if it was no problem to me I could not O during sex, why should she be bothered? Ultimately I came to understand that having the entire experience with me was important to my partner's self image as an attractive woman. Prior to the reboot process, and probably some times even after, I was certainly less than honest. I think a huge part of the problem is not understanding how porn effects the brain. Most of us cannot conceive that merely looking at a picture, which in turn causes a thought, which in turn releases a chemical that rewards having seen the picture, could form the basis of an addiction. And most of us, in the beginning, have no idea that our private porn use could possibly adversely affect our partner's vision of themselves and how we see them. Well, thanks for posting. Reading and replying are one of the tools I use to fight this thing. Though I consider myself to be successful at this point, there are days I am still tempted; and sites like this help. Peace.

 

To answer the question....no. However, having learned a lot along the way, I know the question is not the right question. Guys addicted to porn don't watch it because they compare it favorably with real life, real women, or actual sex. The problem is that porn represents immediate dopamine release. The brain's chemical release and reward center does not compare porn images to real life, it thinks porn IS real life. I am able to discern porn from reality; my brain's chemical reward center cannot. That is the problem, our primitive mammalian brain's reward center rewards porn as sex, but endless sex, endless partners, endless scenarios, meaning endless potential dopamine reward. It is not that we think pornographic images are attractive, but our brains interprets them as sex, and sends out a chemical reward. If you have a chance google "Coolidge effect and porn addiction," and you will get a real education.

All that said, I am sorry to say a lot of us have become addicted, and in my opinion, far more are addicted that know it or acknowledge it. No one chooses it consciously, we don't know it when it is happening. Viewing porn starts out for most of us just as what we think of as a juvenile, harmless, little distraction, amusing even, and over time becomes almost a full time job. Understanding that guy's brains can become unbalanced unconsciously, unknowingly, is important to understand this problem. Many guys are in denial. Peace to you.

 

My positives? I'm so much happier, I don't feel guilty anymore as porn seemed to be my guilty pleasure that made me feel truly disgusting inside, I feel like I have more energy (I know I have more energy!), I'm not as anti-social as I used to be, I'm more outgoing and fun, I've gotten much more accomplished seeing as how I have so much more time on my hands, I've really been able to focus in on life in general and have a healthy sex life and a healthy relationship. When I used to view porn or read about porn (detailed stories that gave me the same effects as porn) I would indulge, and love, and be with these make believe sexual partners, much as if watching an ordinary movie. You follow the character through the plot and it's all great. But with porn, it leaves you desiring more just like any addiction would. And that turned into a lot of worthless feelings that I beat myself up over and I think I needed that. I wouldn't have stopped PMO if it hadn't been for such painful emotions. I even told myself and others that if I relapsed again I would probably hurt or kill myself. That is not the answer, but it took me that far. I needed it, but it was a very painful experience. I am so glad I am in a better place now.