Having mixed feelings about this

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by scavpacker, Jun 12, 2019.

  1. scavpacker

    scavpacker Fapstronaut

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    So it's been 27 days off PMO and I have this friend with benefits who was really hungover and we layed down to watch a movie (BTW it was Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter and again Sprimg by Kim Ki-duk) and all of the sudden we start to make out, this and that... So I Od three times in total today

    I mean, it was not so disgusting as when I did PMO - there was no loneliness afterwards. But still, we are not engaged, nor we are willing to, and I see it as a not honourable thing to do.

    Just two days ago I told her that I'm on NoFAP™, and clearly stated that I would rather not have sex with her. Yesterday I've talked with my brother and mother about this and I made a point that I'm strong enough to refuse such an offer but apparently I am not.

    The very feeling when "the fire started" was somewhat devilish. It was not pure and heavenly. It was horniness and lust. It was bodily experience not emotional.

    She said that it is alright to have sex from time to time, and it is healthy but my conscience is telling me to not to do it again.

    27 days ago I started no PMO,but now I sorta relapsed on O but still am on no PM. What do I do with NoFAP Counter™ and how should I interact with her in your opinion?
     
  2. quantumxshaman

    quantumxshaman Fapstronaut

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    You know what to do:
    Either stand your ground in her presence affirming your position of abstinence; if she doesn't respect that, separate yourself from and dissolve your relationship with her.

    Or, just end the relationship now and prevent yourself from falling into temptation again... This may be the better option considering you've come to the understanding you may not have the willpower to resist her.
     
  3. scavpacker

    scavpacker Fapstronaut

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    It would be simple if she was ok by herself, but thing is she is struggling with addiction to drugs and alcohol, and would cry helplessly for my support.

    Yesterday I told her that if she wanted to continue relationship (as friends) she must stay sober for whole year. Her call was to talk about it tomorrow.

    Guess there's two options: either she commits staying clean and I support her sobriety keeping away from her bed, or if she is not honest or certain about it or does any mistake I ditch/ban her for good. She must understand I cannot afford to support her if she is not truly commited to starring a new life.

    Sadly, yesterday just when we met she promised me she would never drink again. Later that evening she denied saying it. Considering how anxious and not serious she is it seems like a waste of time already. When I started talking she needs to change surrounding, adviced her to consider going to her mother's or something she would get angry and keep telling she must get her stuff back (a day before she went drinking and lost her phone, wallet. Two days ago she watered her laptop, so her tools are broken) get back to working from home and she wouldn't want to isolate herself.

    These signs show me that she does not see the problem. IMO wallet, phone and laptop are merely nothing compared to her drinking and that her priority should be getting better in the head.

    You know, I was reading about the necessity of getting rid of toxic relationships, and this seems like toxic one, considering the drug abuse we were both in before and sex abuse which is still present. One part of me says to end this relationship as soon as possible because it reduces the odds of mine to staying clean. Another part tells me I should help the suffering.

    I am off drugs for 8 months and off alcohol for 2 months.

    I guess trick here is to read whether she is truly honest about her position and be supportive or walk away if she keeps wabbling about getting better while refusing to change her toxic surroundings
     
  4. Dakshinamurti

    Dakshinamurti Fapstronaut

    Hey scav, have you heard of codependency? Your post above really resonated with me as I've been drawn to very, very similar relationships in the past.

    Whilst it is of course your own journey and you are free to choose as you wish, I've learned to see things such as using her addictions as leverage to keep you behaving in a certain manner to be massive red flags. I'm of the opinion that ones' own sobriety should be prioritised above all other things (I'm 5.5 years alcohol-free, 4 years chemical free with one slip, and more recently about a week abstinent from cannabis following 2 months and a relapse,) and the way she's behaving could at the very least put you in a precarious position re: drug use, and at worst result in pain and heartbreak of unimaginable severity when you don't conform to what she 'needs.'

    Personally I'd run away VERY far and very fast. There's a lot of behaviour you've described there which is not healthy and not what one needs in recovery. I understand though, that the desire to help her and potentially save her is incredibly strong; like, if she can become stable in her sobriety then you'll have a really meaningful relationship. In my experience though, that simply doesn't happen- someone who's so desperate to cling to another for support in recovery ain't gonna make it, and it'll become relapse after relapse after blackout after blackout after 'accidentally' fucking others guys etc etc. Hate to be a negative c... but this has been my experience every... single... time.

    EDIT: Welcome to the forum btw, apologies for starting on such a downer :)
     
  5. scavpacker

    scavpacker Fapstronaut

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    Heyy Darkshinamurty, no need to apologise for such sincere advise. It gets clear that I must cut the wire asap and move on with life. It's just couple of hardware things that must be settled beforehand (I disassembled her laptop so need to put it together) and afterwards need to say farewell - don't know how should I better put it, to make it simple and understandable for her.

    BTW, very good point about "accidentally" fucking other guys - a total bullseye there.
     
    Dakshinamurti likes this.
  6. Dakshinamurti

    Dakshinamurti Fapstronaut

    Awesome dude, glad you've got the necessary insight to see what's really happening there :) Good work on finishing what needs to be done, but yeah... Wait for the inevitable relapse and either say 'you're a threat to my recovery and can't continue this relationship' or just fuckin' hit boot. It really doesn't matter at the end of the day- either way she'll go ham and it'll be your fault that she's hurting herself... It's pretty predictable behaviour when it's that stereotypical and clear cut. What you posted there is like a journal entry from myself 8 years ago, hahah!
     
  7. scavpacker

    scavpacker Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for approving. I reset my counter to 0 since it was intentional O, right?
     
  8. Pointlessaccount

    Pointlessaccount Fapstronaut

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    It's up to you whether you reset your counter. You can have an intentional O with a partner and still have a streak, but the streak will not be "hard mode" then.
     
    scavpacker and Dakshinamurti like this.
  9. scavpacker

    scavpacker Fapstronaut

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    I guess it doesn't really matter whether I reset my counter or not. What matters is that I don't repeat same mistake.

    I think it is simple. I must simply quit P and M, and have O only after I find myself a wife. That sounds hardmode af, but it is simple and it prevents any anxiety regarding sex-life and baby issues.
     

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